Therapy

I'm sitting here this Saturday morning staring at the blank screen not sure where to begin. I have so much on my frazzled mind and so much in my tender heart that I want to work through and share. It was another intense week of work learning a new business and all of their processes. It's starting to stick and make sense, which boosts my confidence. I can see that it won't always be this frenzied and complicated, and that means I can imagine the day when I'll have a better work/life balance again. There will be time again soon for the things that really fill me up...keep me sane and healthy.

I came home yesterday and curled into my favorite chair. I had to nudge Tigger out because he's taken a shine to it too. Normally, I wouldn't disturb one of my boys even for my own comfort, but all I could think of was not thinking for an hour. I watched this week's episode of This is Us. I think it was the first time ever that I didn't shed a tear while watching that show. I'm emotionally spent too. Or maybe my meds are working. I have to admit I feel lighter. At a time when my inner critic could be harsh and harping, I have not been inundated with an onslaught of negative messages.

I should probably clarify that some of my meds are working. I went in for a BP check the other day and my numbers are still elevated. I didn't break down or freak out. The doctor adjusted my very low dosage and said to come back in a week. All I know is that I feel better so something is working. This only means that when I'm properly medicated, I'll probably be able to take on the world and not just my life. All of this is huge. I don't often do doctors or take medicine. I've realized that is just stubborn and stupid.

I have work to do today. I need to put in some serious time on this freelance project and I also have to give some serious thought to whether or not I continue. I don't want to take on too much. If I'm being honest, a great deal of the stress I felt this week was from the deadline of this project. So much has changed in my life in the six months since I first started talking to Jen. Much has changed in her life too. She's a dreamer. Big dreams and she envisions this being wildly successful. But there is so much uncertainty and so I need to invest in my day job. The thing is that I don't want to let her down. I don't want to deny the dream. I can't take a huge risk either. She's wired the way I am and she is picking up on my reservations...on my hesitations. I think I am just going to have to have the difficult conversation with her where I put it all out on the table.

I can do hard stuff. It's the one thing I've learned this year. No, it's one of the things I learned this year. There have been many.