This is Thirteen

I used to worry that I annoyed Lily by taking too many pictures of her. Now she is the selfie queen. The duck-face selfie queen. Sometimes I find bursts of her close ups on my camera. Multiple photos taken within nano seconds of each other so almost identical, and yet upon close inspection ever so slightly unique, thus distinguishable.

I liken it to the way I sometimes catch sight of her and can see the bright eyed toddler she was not all that long ago. Then other times I'll see her as she'll appear 10 years from now. Looking back. Fast forwarding. They both make my heart skip several beats as I struggle to inhabit the present.

Yesterday I got a call from the office. Lily slipped on the ice during recess. She fell hard on her tailbone, had the wind knocked out of her and cut her hand. She was in physical and emotional pain...people saw her crying...and so I hurried to bring her home where we are always most comfortable and cared for. I was grateful I was able to drop what I was doing to be there for her. That's definitely a gift of this place I'm in right now. Still she only needed me a little: some sympathy, a dose of ibu, an iced water and an ice pack. I went back to what I was doing after she went to sleep in her dark and breezy room. Gone are the days when I have to kiss boo boos (or crushed coccyxes) and tuck her into my bed beside me when she's sick or hurting. I remembered that I couldn't resist the most adorable stuffed llama when I was shopping over the weekend.  Another last hurrah of childhood. I planned to tuck it in her Easter basket because I thought she might like it, but I decided to give it to her when she woke from her nap a little grumpy. I know her so well. She loved it and it brightened her mood. She thanked me profusely. I confessed that I was pretty sure when I bought it, it would be her last stuffed animal. She nodded in agreement as she proclaimed its name to be Lavender. I smiled knowing we'll remember this last. It's hard to forget a purple llama given to you on the occasion of injuring your coccyx. Another fading glimpse of my little girl.

A glimpse completely obscured when she became more concerned about the blood she got on her new Gap sweatshirt than her injury. A blatant reminder: she is 13. She's a shopper now. A shopper who knows exactly what she likes and wants. We spent an hour at the Gap over the weekend where I worked up a sweat and was mistaken for an associate at least 3 times by other shoppers. For the record, I didn't correct them. I just helped them. I mean I was maybe even a little bit flattered because all the other employees are practically girls not much older than 13 themselves. I considered it a successful spree. We finally got the girlfriend jeans. I have bought and returned no fewer than 5 pairs of these because something was always not right once we got them home. She was on the lookout for a dress for D.C. We found that too. At first, she bristled when I came back from another loop around the store with said dress for her try on. I knew it'd be perfect. She rolled her eyes, resisted, finally relented and lo and behold, she agreed. We agreed! 

Back to the sweatshirt though. I told her I wasn't buying it. It was ridiculously priced and she has umpteen hoodies. Yea. Obviously she has one more. I bought it. I'm telling you that I have a very difficult time saying no to this child especially since after I said no, she didn't plead or cajole. In fact, when she saw I was softening, she then tried to talk me out of buying it despite the fact that she really really wanted it. She knows me so well. P.S. I got the blood out. P.P.S. It's really cute.

We're at this point...thirteen versus middle age...where we usually don't see eye to eye. More like I say abc and she says xyz sometimes I think just for the sake of being contrary. I asked Jess about our contrarian dynamic since she witnessed it several times on Sunday. She answered me with a question, "What was your relationship like with your mom at 13?" It set me straight. It was just like the relationship I have with my daughter: mostly loving and open, but a little irritating and chawing too. Healthy. I'm proud she wants to think her own thoughts, form her own opinions and forge her own way. And I'm good with it just so long as she knows that she can come to me any time about anything and I will listen, advise, kick butt, hug, buy her lavender llamas or whatever else she needs.

weekending

it was an adam's family weekend.

two wonderful productions...two inspiring casts.

we went north saturday evening to watch a talented young friend play wednesday.

she stole the show and our hearts.

then sunday we saw our school's rendition and were equally as proud and touched.

i laughed.

i cried.

tears because i'm just dang proud of any young person who gets up on stage and performs.

candace stopped over late saturday afternoon for wine and jess stayed for dinner on sunday.

mike, teddy and i stopped out for bagels after church, and then mike made carnitas for taco domingo.

i knew it would be a thing.

lil and i went to the mall to do a little d.c. shopping. and then she stayed to meet up with friends.

i went home to meet up with my books.

silence in the age of noise finally came my way.

i am savoring it.

just like precious time with my family and friends.

On My Mind Monday

'I love you.'

The first time the words pass between two people: electrifying.

Ten thousand times later: cause for marvel.

The last time: the dream you revisit over and over and over again.

Kelly Corrigan

Tell Me More

I finished this memoir this morning. I cried myself through the last 40 pages. It was so beautiful and true and heartbreaking. This is my favorite of Corrigan's three books. And for the record, I so wish I knew her in real life.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

The thoughtfulness of friends. Well, one friend in particular. She stopped by this past snowy Saturday afternoon with a bouquet of spring flowers. I think it was to thank me for stopping by earlier in the week with soup and bread. We sort of lose track, which is what makes it a beautiful thing.

This French chocolate cake I made at Smitten Kitchen's urging. I followed the recipe to a tee and would do so again. I loved the intensely chocolate notes and the crumby texture. I worried the chocolate whipped cream would be too much even for hardcore chocolate connoisseurs, but it was light and when used sparingly a perfect pairing with the freshness of the raspberries I couldn't resist adding.

A date with my guy last night. It was a belated Valentine's celebration. We went to a little Italian joint we've been visiting since way before kids. We both ordered the exact same entrees we enjoyed the last time we were there and we were both glad we did. The scallops were cooked perfectly. Look at that sear. We started with a very naughty and delicious wild mushroom gnocchi with Gorgonzola and we ended with limoncello.

A coffee date with a friend this morning. We're rendezvousing so I can get our tickets to see her daughter perform as Wednesday in The Adam's Family this weekend. Can't wait!

Kids who follow their dreams with passion.

The view from my lap every morning.

These two. My guy and my girl.

Sunday morning walks through the city and along the lake. I never take for granted the accessibility or the beauty of where I live.

Windmill Beach even in winter. Especially in winter. I'm a sucker for the seasonal solitude, for curling up with a book and looking up in between pages to take in the scenery, and for warming up by the fire while we work on a crazy challenging puzzle.

The kids aren't the biggest fans of the beach at this time of year. They both had to cancel plans with friends, but they only grumbled a little and I'm pretty sure they had a lot of fun. It's harder and harder to have family time because teens are busy and opinionated, but once in awhile we insist and it's worth it.

Knowing that while we are away, these two have each other.

I think Tigger wants to come with us next time.

This girl wrote a very compelling piece to support why she should be one of two students in her class selected to lay a wreath on The Tomb of the Unknowns in a couple weeks. She's getting excited for her class trip to Washington DC. Teddy had an absolute blast when he went 4 years ago, and I know she will too.

I finished The Wife Between Us this week. It was a quick, somewhat compelling thriller heavy on the somewhat. There was potential for it to be much more arresting. The cake is finally gone too as are my Lenten promises.

Time. I've been intensifying my job search efforts, but I need to take breaks. I often find myself in the kitchen because I'm able to lose myself in a recipe. Working in the kitchen calms me...grounds me. Making meatballs is therapeutic. Serving a healthy, homemade dinner to my family is gratifying.

weekending

i'm missing the holiday weekend.

it seems the longer the weekend the harder it is to let it go.

it started in typical fashion.

lily attended the last ski club friday of the season, teddy went out with friends to eat pizza and play hockey, and mike and i thought for a nano second about going out, but decided we were perfectly happy staying home.

lily went to hang out with friends saturday and stayed the night.

it started to snow mid-afternoon, which convinced me to cozy up at home once again.

mike and i watched a forgettable movie.

teddy went out as i was heading to bed with my book.

i cannot believe i'm admitting that.

mike and i did our lake front loop sunday morning whilst lil's was at sunday school.

the fresh air that hinted of spring was welcome after all that time at home.

mid-afternoon we headed to windmill beach for a quick 24 hour getaway.

along the shores a little north the air felt more like winter.

we engaged in the windmill beach winter olympics.

the events included golf, clue, boggle and ping pong.

it was fun for all ages and abilities.

i took the gold in boggle.

that was it.

in fact teddy gave me 15 points and played left-handed and he still beat me at pong.

we surprised my sil with a little early birthday celebration...french chocolate cake and presents.

i was up with the sun monday morning.

i started a new book and almost got through it before the day was done.

my brother made his family famous breakfast burritos and then we all wanted a nap.

instead the guys went to the golf simulator and i took lily to get supplies for science fair and then  came home and got back into my book.

i went to bed rested and happy.

On My Mind Monday

The next day I asked Cookie, "Do you think broken people are better?"

"It's a big price to pay," she said with tears in her eyes. "But yes. I do."

~ Kelly Corrigan
Tell Me More

I say a thousand times yes to this. The hard stuff makes us soft. Broken people have weathered life's storms so they know how to be beacons, life preservers and load-stone rocks.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Finally getting good news. It's not cancer. My friend found out that the tumor he had removed is benign. He's had some very serious and strange run ins with that bastard C so this was such a blessing and a relief.

I prayed for him while I cooked for him. It's the way I best know how to minister and show my love and care.

 Split pea soup: you either love it or hate it. He loves it.

What is soup without fresh bread?

 Dessert. What's not to love about a giant cast iron skillet cookie? I doubled Martha's recipe for a 10 inch cookie because I have a 12 inch pan. It was a little too thick for T. Bone's liking. Of course, he had to sample it. There was no way he was letting me give away the whole cookie.

I know what I want for Mother's Day: a 10 inch skillet.

Blankie boy. 

He's the sweetest, most willing cuddler.

View of my lap.

An invitation to attend a book club with my mom's old neighbors. She was a founding member almost 15 years ago, and last attended 10 years ago. It was good to reconnect with so many women who knew and loved her. There was much reminiscing, but I only got teary eyed a couple times. I reflected on the fact that I don't think that would have been the case even a year ago.

The tale of North Korean defection was meh, but the wine I just had to buy because of the label...well, it was delicious.

We went to Spain for dinner this week. My family is loving this sheet pan dinner that's new to our rotation. It's a one pan meal of chicken thighs, chorizo, cauliflower, red onion, Yukon golds, big green olives and thyme. Then when it's done, I top it with quick pickled red peppers and parsley and it makes everyone happy.

Next time I'm going to serve it with a basket of fresh pan and maybe some aioli. I think i'll cook and serve the chorizo on the side as it makes this dish greasier than I like.

This week I noticed that it's light out when I wake. The days are definitely stretching.

View east from the front porch.

Holiday traditions. I scrolled through my Instagram feed on Valentine's Day morning and felt a little wistful at all the mothers with young children serving up pink and heart-shaped breakfasts. I remember those days. But then Lily came down with a handmade valentine and a hug eager to open her gift. She went gaga for her glut of glue and appreciated the card I painted for her. She's still my sweet little lady. Teddy came bounding down late, inhaled a breakfast burrito I made especially for him and declared that presents would have to wait until the evening. Before he left though, he gave me a rare morning hug and I realized, I'm not missing anything. There's really no place I'd rather be.

 I draw the line on the cats...they don't get valentines just extra snuggles and snacks.

She thought my succulents were store bought. I love making cards for my family.

I didn't think I'd ever spend $30 on glue, but I tell you it made her so happy that I'd do it again.

French Silk pie...it wouldn't be Valentine's Day without it. 

It's our love language.

It doesn't count if you don't dirty a plate...right?

 Shameless cat captures.

On My Mind Monday

...Asking, "What am I really here to do?" just brings me face to face with all my uncertainty. I haven't a clue what I'm supposed to do next; all I know for sure is that I don't want to spend any more of my days by simply filling them up. I'm pretty sure...that the answer to "What next?" isn't to be found in more movement, but less. Perhaps the only way to begin to answer any of these questions is to sit long enough to hear what my own heart yearns to say. To silence the chatter in my mind so the quiet voice of my soul might be allowed to speak.

Katrina Kenison

Magical Journey

weekending

we just finished family dinner with my brother and sil.

when my mom was alive, sunday dinner was often celebrated around her table.

for many years after she passed, the six of us continued to gather for dinner at the end of the weekend.

it's been less frequent in recent years as life has gotten busier.

to say i miss this tradition is an understatement.

today i tried a new recipe for the occasion.

chicken parmesan lasagna was a comforting choice for a cold and snowy sunday.

at the last minute i mixed batter for a cast iron skillet cookie knowing we wouldn't need dessert.

a single slice remained.

it's hard to resist hot out of the oven chocolate chip cookies.

i failed to get a photo, so here is one of the salad that was enjoyed with my homemade balsamic vinaigrette instead.

come to think of it the day started with my cast iron skillet too.

when i woke early to see the streets covered in snow, i decided it was a good day to hibernate.

the house was quiet...the world outside was all but deserted. 

i started dough for monkey bread and snuggled in to read while it rose.

i received the book i need to read for thursday's book club yesterday and quickly got into it.

i will quickly get through the girl with seven names too.

the house started to smell good.

sweet baked goods ensure everyone wakes in a pleasant mood. i don't know that i'll be going through the process of making my cinnamon rolls anymore. this was so much easier and better.

lily was not into hibernating and teddy was.

that's rare.

she went shopping with a friend and he enjoyed a day with nothing to do.

i got back to my book.

and my cat.

until i was sweetly surprised by a visit from candace who was in the neighborhood.

i was so glad to see her that i didn't mind that she busted me in my pjs in the middle of the afternoon.

the weekend started early the same way it ended: with a snow day.

it probably wasn't necessary, but it was welcome.

teddy spent the free friday studying for the act, which he took saturday morning.

 i've never seen him study with such dedication and focus.

 he said the test was tough. now we wait.

lily bundled up and went to play in the snow.

here she is throwing snowballs at the cats, which didn't bother peanut at all and had tigger growling.

she was missing her friends, feeling a little bored and even conceded that school's not so bad.

she agreed to do a craft project with me and this proves she was desperate.

we attacked a stack of magazines to make our vision boards.

then we ordered pizza and watched the opening ceremonies.

 2018

saturday morning i was up with the sun.

and peanut.

i wanted to send teddy off for his big test with a balanced breakfast.

this was his request.

 i was feeling all years are minutes as he drove away.

how are we already at this point?

and yet it's all good.

it didn't help that lily had an appointment to sit for the 8th grade composite.

it seems like yesterday i was here with teddy.

it was three years ago.

sigh.

 she's all grown up. beautifully.

at least my cats will never leave home.

brotherly love.

  

lily made plans to sled with a friend and teddy went to play hockey.

mike and i played a very competitive game of gin.

then we made a simple, but delicious pasta dish.

orecchiette with bacon in a lemon cream sauce.

good food.
good times.
goodnight.

weekending

i kinda sorta wanted this weekend to last longer or forever.

it was just a good stretch of late winter days.

ordinary, and yet, extraordinary.

what i call the extraordinary ordinary.

lily had ski club friday after school and ted had hockey plans with friends.

what i call teenagers being teenagers.

nonetheless, it was a quiet night at casa wags.

saturday i woke in a foul mood.

i slept later than i like and i suspect that contributed to my less than sunny disposition.

after a teary chapter of magical journey and a cup of coffee, i bundled up for a walk.

the snow started to fly as soon as i was on the road and that in itself warmed the very cockles of my heart.

i log miles, i clear my mind, i feel my heart.

exercise is what i call the magic elixir.

i wanted to be present and pleasant for my afternoon with lily.

the guys went north to golf (indoors) and have dinner.

we went to the third ward in search of a dress for a valentines day dance.

we weren't successful on that front, but we had luck on others.

we stopped in at candace's studio and admired her latest work.

lily was impressed by both the space and the piece.

we picked up dessert at the public market, headed to brady street for lasagna fixings for the next day and then to bel aire for tacos.

it was a fun afternoon with my best gal.

i came home lighter and heavier.

heavier as in exhausted so i dozed on and off until 1:30 when i found myself wide awake.

bright eyed until i forced myself to go to bed at 4:30.

it snowed all night so we woke to a winter wonderland.

it was a good day to stay holed up at home cooking and reading and writing.

what i call a snow day.

lily went sledding with a friend and it was a perfect day for that too.

teddy spent the day doing homework and then went to a super bowl party.

mike prepared the ribs for our dinner, i made cookies for ted to share at his gathering and pudding just because.

i wasn't into the game, but a few of the commercials were worth watching.

i kept mike company and the cats kept me company.

i forced myself to get to bed at a reasonable hour and i slept hard and fast.

what i call escape.

Granted

It's true that inspiration comes from above. It also comes from within. Inspiration not just in the spark that gets the creative juices flowing...the fervor in ideas...but also the feeling of faith in ourselves and trust in our journeys. It's been a very difficult week. Faith and trust have been hard to find. I've had to brace myself and dig deep. I let it all out. For now. Prayers more like pleas, rants, tears from the hallows and the confessions of subterranean fears. After I said, shouted and cried my peace, I had some peace. The repose that comes from exhaustion and depletion. I wish I could say that being being stripped bare filled me with answers. It didn't. What the honest exposure left me with was a humility I haven't known in a long time. 

Humble. It's a powerful and enlightening place to be. 

It was as if someone shined a light on my life and I saw things for the first time. I've always known they were there, but I tried to ignore them, reject them, rally against them. In the moment I owned them, they owned me less. Their hold weakened as grace entered the mix. 

I have flaws. I make mistakes. I am haunted by regret. I have hurt other people. People I love. I have held grudges and freely laid blame. I have interfered and dismissed and flown off the handle. Sometimes I criticize, I generalize and I roll my eyes. I'm human.

Grace is such a powerful and healing consecration.

I forgive wholly, love unconditionally, try to treat others with kindness and empathy. I want to soothe, minister, lift up and bring light to the people in my life.

I've been feeling so bad that I've forgotten I'm good. I've denied myself the forgiveness and empathy and kindness I too deserve. 

At my lowest point of vulnerability, grace appeared. I cannot say whether it was from above or from within although I suspect that above allowed me to find it within.