Purge

I'm trying to get some work done and I keep getting distracted by Peanut. He's lying in the sun preening and purring loudly. It makes me shamelessly envious of the cat life. Even the smallest things...a ray of light, a soft blanket on his perch, a kind word...bring him visible and audible joy. I want that too and sometimes I get it.

Yesterday I got it. I had a lot on my mind, but I didn't give it weight. Instead I spent the day taking care of Lily, which brings me unmeasurable joy. Like Peanut, she didn't need much: meds and fluids, a little lunch and some company. I so enjoyed her company. I spend much time alone these days. 

Alone with my thoughts. Today marks a month since I last talked to my dad. I usually talk to him a couple times a week. I feel mostly sad about this disconnect and the things that transpired to cause it. I've talked about it and prayed about it, but I still have no answers. I'm not one to let things linger and yet here I am lingering...waiting. I'm waiting because while I have forgiveness in my heart, I feel he needs to want it...to ask for it...to know he needs to ask for it. He's always stubborn and often self-righteous. In this case, I appear to be as well so we're still in it instead of through it.

Time is so precious. It seems like such a waste. Not speaking with my only living parent makes me miss the one no longer alive. I miss my mom everyday...at least a dozen times...but lately I feel such a dark sadness for my loss. The longest I ever went without speaking to my mom out of anger was never even a day. We battled and then we moved on. Our arguments were few, but usually emotional and explosive. Never mean. Poof and gone.

Arguing can be healthy. We're are human and bound to have conflict. It's how we engage in it that matters most and makes the difference. This stalemate seems to be causing more harm. I think it's time for a mind-clearing walk.

And when I just titled this post it made me chuckle. Yesterday Lily desperately wanted to watch The Purge. My Lily who covered her eyes at any slightly scary movie trailer. I talked her into Home Again. It was feel good and that's the perfect medicine on a sick day. We both needed to take our minds off things and lighten our loads.