Existential Insight In Unexpected Places

I woke up this morning feeling more tired than when I went to bed. I was exhausted last night and a long, deep sleep did nothing to alleviate the consumptive fog hanging over me. I felt like I was drunk as I went through my morning routine. I couldn't find my juicer despite the fact it was right where it always is, put the cheese in the vegetable crisper and forgot to preheat the oven for cinnamon rolls. Once I got the family off for the day, I curled up with my coffee and cat to read a chapter, but before long I was leveled by a blinding headache. I just woke from a 30 minute nap. A nap that was almost extended because I did not want to disturb Peanut. My headache is reduced to a dull full frontal nag now present not piercing. I'm expecting it to last the day. I'm wrapped up in the warmest throw in an attempt to rid my bones of their chill. Never mind, it's a springy 50 plus degrees right now outside. Sometimes the chill comes from within. I fear I may be coming down with something.

Something more than malaise. That has been mounting. I have low level anxiety when I have to leave the house these days, or when I have to make plans or think about the future. I'm not sleeping the day away or not sleeping, or sitting idle or immobile, but the days slip away and I feel like there is so much left undone. Time has taken me prisoner. Its passing has me somewhat paralyzed one minute and panicked the next. The only thing I had to do yesterday was get in a workout because the effect it has on my PMA is somewhat miraculous. I busied myself all day with things, some useful...others not, and then I had to rush to fit in the one thing I know I need: exercise and a shower. That's insanity.

I was so spent that I thought about cancelling the other thing I know is essential: showing up otherwise defined as getting out of my house and my head. I thought about rescheduling, but I resisted. I resisted because the date I had was with a friend who I can be real with whether I'm on top of the world, in my doldrums, or anywhere in between. We sat side by side sharing popcorn, pinots and Kleenex as we watched Lady Bird. It wasn't on my radar, but I trust hers.

This post isn't intended to be a movie review. I'm not a movie critic, although I might like to be. The thing is that we were both deeply touched by this film in different ways for different reasons. It occurred to me as we digested Lady Bird over Chianti and a Neapolitan pizza: sometimes we go to the movies to lose ourselves and other times to find ourselves. Last night I expected to be entertained. I was, but I was also challenged. Queried to take a good look at some of my own behaviors and beliefs. 

I reacted to the film as a mother and Candace reacted as a daughter, but there was one exchange that we both kept as our takeaway. The scene involves the principal telling Lady Bird that it's clear in her college essay how much she loves Sacramento, a city that Lady Bird thinks she wants to get far away from and fast. Lady Bird says, "I guess I pay attention." Sister asks, "Don't you think they're the same thing?"  

Of course: what we attend to is what we love. What we notice is what we admire. Who we make time for is who we hold in our hearts. What we fill our days with is what matters to us, or else it should be. It seems to me that living our lives with these premises in practice is the way to ensure happiness and be fulfilled.

It also occurs to me that it's one big thing to know this and another to do it. To live life by these guiding principles, takes much more than the acceptance that they're true. It takes courage, faith and commitment. I'm making it my mission.