Juxtaposed: A Therapy Session

I'm in a place in time of measuring: surveying the landscape, grading the paths, mapping the course. It's not as scientific as it sounds. It's predominantly based in emotion because I'm more a feeling than a thinking person. It's both my strength and my weakness. I'm not apologizing for being pathos-driven. I'm proudly ruled by heart not by my ego or my intellect. I don't often posture, parade or play games. I do react and sometimes overreact. I also protect. Because I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm easily intimidated when I feel vulnerable in unsafe company. Everyone can be dangerous at times. I'll protect you too when I feel that you're exposed. When you have a place in my heart, I will always have your back. I think I have a big heart, but my well of compassion dries up fast when I'm wronged. Apologize and I'm your champion again. We all act like assholes sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistreat me often and I'll retreat. It'll be a long time before you know the real me again. I'm often somewhat aloof on the outside, but always just a gooey marshmallow inside. I talk a lot because I'm painfully quiet and shy. Truthfully, I'm much more an introvert than an extrovert. I value truth, kindness, authenticity and empathy even while I have secrets, may deny you grace, try to hide who I am more than I should and don't always value you for who you are. So little in life or human nature is black and white. Life is chaotic. We are messy. 

Labels are suggestions. Or maybe tendencies. Powerful tendencies. When I proclaim something, it carries a certain weight. A heavy truth. I hear myself...that mostly critical near constant little voice in my head. It says, "You are fill in the blank." (I can't tell you...it's one of my secrets.) And then I am that. I become a slave to the label. I'm powerless against the flaw or shortcoming.

It works, although not as effectively, for desirable traits too. The thing is that I've been measuring and another word for measuring is judging. Judging tends to be harsh, unforgiving and demoralizing especially when the person being judged is your person. You by you. We all know what's said about worst critics. It makes me think who I would ever speak to as harshly as I speak to myself...I'm still thinking. 

What if I have my own back and forgive myself? Imagine the possibilities.

So it seems that I've been holidaying the months away, but that's not entirely true. I've also been healing from wounds some fresh and others inflicted many moons ago. The other day Lily quipped about me reading so much. She was joking, but it stung just a tad. It's hard to deny. I'm on my fourth and fifth books this month, and I'm not a fast reader. I was thinking about it when I was lying in bed unable to sleep in the middle of the night. My impulse was to get up to read. Before I turned on the reading lamp, the light bulb in my head illuminated: a ha! I'm reading to shut off my monkey mind. I decided to face it. It took awhile for my mind to concede, and before it shut the f!*# up it went to all the blackest places, wallowing in my darkest fears and deepest wells. I did get to sleep though, and I did sleep peacefully. I woke up a little quieter too. 

I'm taking it night by night, day by day and I'm not apologizing for that either.