Today is Tuesday

I logged on and now I don't know what to say. That's the story of my week. It's still quiet in my world, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, Father T. gave us 3 rules this week during his sermon that were given to him every Sunday he visited the cemetery as a kid: be quiet, don't step on graves and don't drink the water (poisonous lead pipes). Basically, turn off the t.v. and tune out the noise around you and pray, be nice, and neither myself or my hubby was exactly sure just where he was going with the last one. Let's face it... based on most accounts I don't drink enough water. We kind of decided the premise was steer clear of poison as in negativity, fear, judgement, reproach. When he suggested turning off the t.v., Miss Bit's eyes got as wide as saucers. She is still a major Sponge Bob aficionado and needs her daily fix. (I'll gladly turn off the propaganda spewed by the biased, brain washed media and be thankful if I never again have to hear about Pelosi and her Slaughter tactics. If you aren't scared yet, you should be people, and let me just state for the record that I am not against health care reform.) T. Bone listened intently to the story of Lazarus. It's an attention grabber for a 9 year old.

Spring sprung here last week. The longer, warmer days mean the kids are spending lots of time outside refilling their vitamin D reserves. There are as many robins in the yard as kids, and the chipmunks are once again chasing each other around the yard making the cats crazy. There aren't any buds on the trees yet, but before long the world around us will be vibrantly verde. The cats are leaving hairballs when they wrestle, following the sun as it moves from room to room, and mewing for a little fresh air...their own edition of the morning news (acccording to my Aunt). The bbq was fired up over the weekend to grill some chicken served with a side of fresh steamed green beans. I've been busy planning our Easter brunch and my sil-to-be's shower. The world around me is sunny and bright so the way I see it...I'm bound to perk up one of these days.

And that being said...I don't want you to think that I've been holed up in my bed paralyzed behind my room darkening shades, or that I'm crying in my coffee day after day overcome with sadness and despair. It's just that my grief is closer to the surface than it's been for a long time. And my heart is heavy in a way I'm not used to. Instead of periods of pain and disambiguation, it's a constant aching funk, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it sure doesn't seem to be getting any closer. I feel alone, even though I'm not. I'm not speaking what's on my mind very often because if I did, I probably would be alone.

So last week about this time I felt unlucky, and this week I feel uninspired. I'm getting through each day, but I'm just going through the motions. I'm moving forward crossing them off the calendar, but where am I going? What's the point? Why? I've had moments of laughter. How could I not chuckle when I came home with a bag full of lovely Liberty of London dresses only to hear Miss Bit exclaim, "Thank you Bermuda!" Her commentary during Dancing with the Stars last night had me in stitches. There's no way not to crack up when she walks around listening to my I Pod singing songs from The Princess and The Frog, or the Black Eyed Peas loudly. I had to crack a smile when T. Bone came home excited and proud that he won first place in his den's Pinewood Derby races. He makes me laugh the way he is so consumed with March Madness and already convinced that he's going to win my office pool. And to hear his British accent...now that is funny! I even felt genuinely happy Friday celebrating my friend's milestone birthday with the girls, and celebrating my brother's with my family on Sunday.

I started writing not sure of what I wanted to say today, and now 20 minutes later Father T.'s rules...simple and true...seem uncannily relevant at this time. I'm going to keep praying for the courage to be nice to myself and the strength to be nice to others.