Juxtaposed: A Therapy Session

I'm in a place in time of measuring: surveying the landscape, grading the paths, mapping the course. It's not as scientific as it sounds. It's predominantly based in emotion because I'm more a feeling than a thinking person. It's both my strength and my weakness. I'm not apologizing for being pathos-driven. I'm proudly ruled by heart not by my ego or my intellect. I don't often posture, parade or play games. I do react and sometimes overreact. I also protect. Because I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm easily intimidated when I feel vulnerable in unsafe company. Everyone can be dangerous at times. I'll protect you too when I feel that you're exposed. When you have a place in my heart, I will always have your back. I think I have a big heart, but my well of compassion dries up fast when I'm wronged. Apologize and I'm your champion again. We all act like assholes sometimes. Everyone makes mistakes. Mistreat me often and I'll retreat. It'll be a long time before you know the real me again. I'm often somewhat aloof on the outside, but always just a gooey marshmallow inside. I talk a lot because I'm painfully quiet and shy. Truthfully, I'm much more an introvert than an extrovert. I value truth, kindness, authenticity and empathy even while I have secrets, may deny you grace, try to hide who I am more than I should and don't always value you for who you are. So little in life or human nature is black and white. Life is chaotic. We are messy. 

Labels are suggestions. Or maybe tendencies. Powerful tendencies. When I proclaim something, it carries a certain weight. A heavy truth. I hear myself...that mostly critical near constant little voice in my head. It says, "You are fill in the blank." (I can't tell you...it's one of my secrets.) And then I am that. I become a slave to the label. I'm powerless against the flaw or shortcoming.

It works, although not as effectively, for desirable traits too. The thing is that I've been measuring and another word for measuring is judging. Judging tends to be harsh, unforgiving and demoralizing especially when the person being judged is your person. You by you. We all know what's said about worst critics. It makes me think who I would ever speak to as harshly as I speak to myself...I'm still thinking. 

What if I have my own back and forgive myself? Imagine the possibilities.

So it seems that I've been holidaying the months away, but that's not entirely true. I've also been healing from wounds some fresh and others inflicted many moons ago. The other day Lily quipped about me reading so much. She was joking, but it stung just a tad. It's hard to deny. I'm on my fourth and fifth books this month, and I'm not a fast reader. I was thinking about it when I was lying in bed unable to sleep in the middle of the night. My impulse was to get up to read. Before I turned on the reading lamp, the light bulb in my head illuminated: a ha! I'm reading to shut off my monkey mind. I decided to face it. It took awhile for my mind to concede, and before it shut the f!*# up it went to all the blackest places, wallowing in my darkest fears and deepest wells. I did get to sleep though, and I did sleep peacefully. I woke up a little quieter too. 

I'm taking it night by night, day by day and I'm not apologizing for that either. 

   

weekending

it was a four-day weekend for most of the family.

we filled it with fun and studying.

teddy has exams this week so he had to spend some time with the books.

although i'd say he had a good work to fun balance.

lily had ski club friday night and she had a great time at the hill.

mike and i decided to see a movie since both kids were out.

three billboards outside ebbing, missouri maybe scores a five, yet the night at least a very easy eight.

it was described as a darkly comic drama.

it was dark and somewhat provocative, but not very compelling.

i really wanted to love this too.

saturday mike and i celebrated the opening of his brother's pizzeria with extended family from near and far.

harmony pizza is an inviting space and the pies were delicious.

the entertainment, thanks to cousin gerry all the way from texas, was a treat too.

it was a warm cozy night despite the chill in the air.

we were able to rally for 9 o' clock mass sunday morning.

i believe the promise of bagels after church is what lures teddy from bed after late saturday nights.

during breakfast he was asking about dinner.

that's the story of my life and i'm not complaining.

all this working out is revving up his appetite.

he asked for twice baked potatoes. 

i talked him into pork chops too.

it started to snow sunday night.

we woke monday morning to a nice dusting of powder.

i promised to take lily and a friend skiing for the day.

i holed up in the lodge reading and people watching while they hit the runs until they were cold and tired.

i was so very happy for a good many reasons: fresh snow, new friendships, different activities and also

beauty, kindness and courage.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

My new morning routine. I give myself around 45 minutes after the morning rush to enjoy my cup of coffee and my book. I've definitely found my reading groove again. This morning I started The Book of Ove. I didn't love it immediately, but I'll keep on because it's our February book club choice, and I trust that I'll warm to it...to him.

A new dermatologist for Teddy. We went back in July to a well-respected doctor I saw in my 20s. It was not a good or professional experience. He was late (45 minutes late at 9 o'clock in the morning), rushed us, talked so fast we could barely understand him, was dismissive about questions and concerns and then charged us almost $700 before prescriptions. There was no possible way I was taking him back there. I set out to research a new doctor. I asked friends, but no one seemed to have anything good to say so I went to the Internet. The doctor I found far exceeded every one of our expectations. I'm grateful we didn't settle and that there are still doctors who see patients as people not pay checks. I've already given his name to two friends and I'll continue to spread the good word when I can.

The support and encouragement I get from my tribe.

Lily has ski club tonight.

Teddy has plans to workout and then eat out with friends.

Mike and I will get out of the house for a date too.

Snow in the 10 day forecast. I enjoyed getting a out for a couple walks this week without having to bundle up, but it's not supposed to be 60 degrees in January in Wisconsin.

Comfort food was on this week's menu. Spicy chili and a delicious chicken pot pie that was so easy and all gone.

Monday is a holiday for the kids.

Existential Insight In Unexpected Places

I woke up this morning feeling more tired than when I went to bed. I was exhausted last night and a long, deep sleep did nothing to alleviate the consumptive fog hanging over me. I felt like I was drunk as I went through my morning routine. I couldn't find my juicer despite the fact it was right where it always is, put the cheese in the vegetable crisper and forgot to preheat the oven for cinnamon rolls. Once I got the family off for the day, I curled up with my coffee and cat to read a chapter, but before long I was leveled by a blinding headache. I just woke from a 30 minute nap. A nap that was almost extended because I did not want to disturb Peanut. My headache is reduced to a dull full frontal nag now present not piercing. I'm expecting it to last the day. I'm wrapped up in the warmest throw in an attempt to rid my bones of their chill. Never mind, it's a springy 50 plus degrees right now outside. Sometimes the chill comes from within. I fear I may be coming down with something.

Something more than malaise. That has been mounting. I have low level anxiety when I have to leave the house these days, or when I have to make plans or think about the future. I'm not sleeping the day away or not sleeping, or sitting idle or immobile, but the days slip away and I feel like there is so much left undone. Time has taken me prisoner. Its passing has me somewhat paralyzed one minute and panicked the next. The only thing I had to do yesterday was get in a workout because the effect it has on my PMA is somewhat miraculous. I busied myself all day with things, some useful...others not, and then I had to rush to fit in the one thing I know I need: exercise and a shower. That's insanity.

I was so spent that I thought about cancelling the other thing I know is essential: showing up otherwise defined as getting out of my house and my head. I thought about rescheduling, but I resisted. I resisted because the date I had was with a friend who I can be real with whether I'm on top of the world, in my doldrums, or anywhere in between. We sat side by side sharing popcorn, pinots and Kleenex as we watched Lady Bird. It wasn't on my radar, but I trust hers.

This post isn't intended to be a movie review. I'm not a movie critic, although I might like to be. The thing is that we were both deeply touched by this film in different ways for different reasons. It occurred to me as we digested Lady Bird over Chianti and a Neapolitan pizza: sometimes we go to the movies to lose ourselves and other times to find ourselves. Last night I expected to be entertained. I was, but I was also challenged. Queried to take a good look at some of my own behaviors and beliefs. 

I reacted to the film as a mother and Candace reacted as a daughter, but there was one exchange that we both kept as our takeaway. The scene involves the principal telling Lady Bird that it's clear in her college essay how much she loves Sacramento, a city that Lady Bird thinks she wants to get far away from and fast. Lady Bird says, "I guess I pay attention." Sister asks, "Don't you think they're the same thing?"  

Of course: what we attend to is what we love. What we notice is what we admire. Who we make time for is who we hold in our hearts. What we fill our days with is what matters to us, or else it should be. It seems to me that living our lives with these premises in practice is the way to ensure happiness and be fulfilled.

It also occurs to me that it's one big thing to know this and another to do it. To live life by these guiding principles, takes much more than the acceptance that they're true. It takes courage, faith and commitment. I'm making it my mission.

weekending

what i absolutely adore about this time of the year is the ideal ratio of doing to being.

it's perfectly acceptable and preferred to have large pockets of quiet, cozy time interspersed with people to see and things to do.

such it was that on friday night, my brother texted and jessica called, and suddenly we had a pop-up happy hour at the end of a long short, dark, cold week.

although i wasn't quite ready to rid the house of twinkles and sparkles, the browning fire hazard of a tree said it was time to dechristmas.

one thing leads to another.

mike and i worked the better part of saturday taking down all the trees while the kids were out golfing and shopping.

then we rewarded ourselves with dinner out just the two of us.

i was up early sunday morning anticipating the treat of a girl's day ahead. 

the ladies met for a decadent brunch before the theatre.

waitress was the play of the day, and i really loved it.

we all gave it the thumbs up including lil in spite of some of the adult humor.

it was much more sweet than smutty.

we weren't ready for the outing to end so we had a parting drink at the pfister.

it was a bonus that the lobby was still decorated for christmas.

i was able to tick holiday drink off my december bucket list.

so what if it's january.

somehow i was able to serve quite a tasty sunday dinner despite the fact that i haven't been real shopping in weeks. 

my version of chicken parm, which has lots of fresh blistered mozz on top with a side of sauteed spinach.

so as far as weekends go, this was a keeper.

1. some of my favorite girls all together in a rare photo op.

2. the young ins make goofball faces.

3. the crab cake benedict was delightful. no, i did not clean my plate.

4. never one to pass up a dramatic back drop.

5. at the pfister lobby bar where time is standing still.

6. sunspot snoozes.

7. the breakwater is frozen after weeks of below normal temperatures.

8. the view of the lake michigan shore from the 6th floor of the university club.

9. lily the looker,

10. new book, new mug, old cat.

11. teddy helped me with the angle of this shot called, everything tastes (and looks) better in a cast iron skillet.

12. sugar, butter, flour. i laughed and i cried.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Giving myself this week to shift gears from be.here.now with my family to the future. This has been a week of more exercise, more water, healthier eating, meditating, organizing and planning. Transitions are my weak spot.

Knowing my shortcomings.

Room for improvement.

Patience and perseverance.

The trees are still up and I'm still very much enjoying them. Tomorrow, The Twelfth day of Christmas also known as the Epiphany, marks the official end of the Christmas season. That doesn't mean I'll deChristmas this weekend though.

After a December dry spell, my first read of the new year has me giddy to get lost in a good book again. My Absolute Darling is captivating, heartbreaking and rawly written. It could easily be a two sitting book. 

My reading buddy, Peanut, who would prefer I sit and read all day long.

That warm and toasty Ugg throw.

 Large print.

Naps.

Family dinners followed by curling up on the couch with a book or a show.

New dos for the new year. Lily and I both spent time at the salon.

Teddy has been working out faithfully for the last month. It keeps him busy and it's good for him too.

A date planned with my husband in the next week.

A girl's date at the theater on Sunday to see Waitress. 

Holidays, Happy Birthday and Hygge at Home

This one picture I don't recall taking pretty much captures the last days of December, and the title for this long overdue post. We had a mostly Merry Christmas, Teddy turned 17 much to my unexplained shock, and it was frigidly, bone chillingly cold so we spent a lot of time hanging out in the warmth and comfort of home during the break. That part..all the family of four time...actually was perfect.

When I say mostly what you already know is that the holidays are always heightened with emotion. The good and the bad. For the purpose of this space, I chose to illuminate the joy moments because I can. I'm not in denial and I'm not trying to curate the perfect life. I am aware of the fact that putting it on here or out there does little good for the hurt that will pass and the healing that will come with time. I try hard not to use this space as a forum for my grievances. Go back and read my previous post about words if you need more clarification.

There is only one gripe I'm giving time to on My Musings and it's blasphemous. We skipped church. We were over-scheduled on Christmas Eve and so planned to go Christmas morning. I should have known that wouldn't happen. It will never happen again because it left a gaping hole in my spirit. 

Okay. One more complaint. Shopping for teenagers. They want to return everything. Even the things they picked out their very own selves. I paid $19 to return a Patagonia pullover I tried talking Teddy out of only to order the one I was suggesting in the first place. Lily actually asked to go to the mall on New Year's Day. We'd been twice during the week. I find it difficult to say no to that girl. I said NO. I want nothing to do with shopping for a very long time.

So onto the joy moments...the blessings, the abundance of happiness and the bright spots because those are the ones I want to put the shine on.

The week before Christmas I always want to hit the pause button. I already miss the twinkly lights and the feeling of good will. I turn the trees on first thing in the morning and let them glow until bedtime. The anticipation of what is to come lifts me up, and I selfishly want it to last all year. I'm known to stay up for a tree-side chat with my mom just before Christmas, but before I could invite her she came on her own. On the eve Eve we spent the day at home taking care of last minute preparations and all day Bing Crosby Christmas was playing on Pandora. Christmas carol after Christmas carol played until Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ral came on just when I was thinking of my mom and missing her terribly. It's an Irish lullaby not a carol and it's a song that connects me with my mom. I cannot explain the randomness of the song or the way I felt. It was the best gift of Christmas.

There were many others.

The gift of family: his, mine and ours.

(And one last gripe: we didn't get a family picture this year.) 

There's also the gift of tradition. Traditions unite...they bring us closer. Every year I carry on my mom's tradition. She gave the kids a Li Bien ornament at Christmas for the tree. Now I carefully select the beautiful keepsakes and also the year's angel for myself. I have 9 angels. Sigh. My kids have 17 and 13 ornaments. Well, 16 and 12. One of Teddy's shattered a few years ago and this year, one of Lily's was a casualty.

Another tradition is Christmas crackers. The ones with the prizes inside. We all wear our crowns and act silly during our formal meal. This year my brother lit up the sky with real firecrackers before dinner. He put on quite the show so it may become a new tradition. And we're not talking sparklers. My brother and sil put on quite a dinner too.

One of my favorite traditions is our Christmas morning breakfast of Polish kielbasa and homemade cinnamon rolls. Now that the kids are older, we let them sleep in, open presents leisurely, and then make breakfast, which is more like lunch. While we're eating, we play a game. This year it was Teddy's white elephant grab (another fun family tradition). He ended up with a game called What do you Meme? I must confess that I bought it because according to the game barista, it's the game of the year. He just failed to mention it's R rated. It'll be a Christmas morning we won't soon forget. We certainly had a few laughs. Plenty of blushes too, but we've since edited the cards. 

Santa is no longer a big tradition. It was confirmed that Lily is no longer a believer. Ted confessed that he's had his doubts since 4th grade after a heated Santa debate at his lunchroom table. It was the Jews versus the Christians. It makes me a little nostalgic, but I'll just have to find other ways to impart the Christmas magic.

This year we hoped to carry on a Christmas Day tradition we started last year: to stay home all day in our jammies. We had plans to play games, watch movies and order Chinese, but it didn't work out that way. We ended up accepting an invitation to stop by my brother's and then we kinda didn't leave for numerous hours. Ahem 7. We planned to say Merry Christmas and move on because they so generously and  graciously entertained us the night before, but at Ted's persistence, we started a game of Monopoly that lasted for 4 hours. By the way, we were okay with that, and Lily and I won much to Ted's ultra-competitive dismay.

We had that lazy day the day after. Traditions shouldn't be rigid or set in stone. I was so happy to snuggle in with my new cookbooks and my new Ugg throw. It wasn't long before an almost forgotten pint of blueberries was calling my attention. I came across Smitten Kitchen's favorite blueberry muffin recipe and was called to the kitchen. Deb's almost spot on. I'll just add a little vanilla next time. 

The boys were called to my throw in my absence. It's an ongoing cat and mouse game.

Teddy's birthday is two days after Christmas, and I'm reluctant to admit we're usually partied out. Not to mention that the past few years he's more interested in getting together with friends. It was a nice turn of events that the family got together for dinner. We braved the cold and scored a table at one of his favorite places. Then we came home for cake. Lily and I made him his beloved Tres Leches cake earlier in the day and that cake is another tradition. I think it was a good day for the birthday boy.

The rest of the week was very relaxing. We made hearty breakfasts in the morning and then we mostly grazed on leftovers, although Mike did treat us to homemade pizzas one night. The guys worked out a lot. Together. Lily and I watched a couple movies. Side by side. The kids had golf lessons. Indoors. We spent some time celebrating with friends. Drinks. Dinner. Before we knew it it was already New Year's Eve. We hosted a small gathering of some of our favorite people and it was a fun night with good friends.

New Year's Day we finally ordered the Chinese we'd planned to order on Christmas, and ignored the reality of work and school the next day until the last possible moment.

2017 was an interesting year. I'm cautiously optimistic about 2018. The house has been quiet this week, but my mind is revving up. I've a list a mile long, but thankfully I can rest a little easier knowing my holiday post is complete.