Got a Minute?

That's literally all I have and there are a few things that I need to say...

• Happy Birthday to my Gramps. He would have been 93 today. I miss him. It makes me sad that he never got to meet my kids. Tonight we are going to celebrate the 82 years he did live over steaming hot bowls of his famous beef stew recipe and then we'll enjoy a homemade apple crisp. He fancied himself a baker, and could actually make a mean apple pie, hence the crisp which is basically an upside down pie. On Thanksgiving, he was always in charge of bringing the pies. If there were 6 people, we could expect at least 6 pies. He was good like that!


• The only reason we're having said stew tonight is that I got up at 6:45 this morning to cut and peel carrots and potatoes and get everything in the crock pot. I am a full-time working woman this week, and although it's only Tuesday, I have come to the certain conclusion that it is way overrated and definitely under appreciated! And I'm not even working Friday because I'll be at my Grandma's funeral.


• That got me thinking that I am celebrating too many loved ones passed on these days. It makes my own mortality take front stage and demand to be acknowledged. It will be pure bliss when we are all reunited.


• I'm still working on a Disney post. It already seems like ancient history. Forget Calgon...Mickey take me away. I have a new, not so secret crush on Mickey because he is the epitamy of bliss on earth.


• Why I thought it was a good idea last night to go to the nursery before dinner to buy mums, gourds and a pumpkin (but seriously this is THE great pumpkin) I'll never know. I was outside long after dark planting and doing fall cleaning. I hope it looks good. Then I came in and started cleaning the inside of the house. We're having company for the weekend you know. All while I know that a perfect house is really only an empty image.


• It's probably a very bad thing that I am irritable with people this week seeing as how I'm going to have a houseful come Thursday. This week I'm envying those who have taken vows of silence because I am not sure I have sufficient restraint to keep from saying what's on my mind and in my heart.


• David Letterman is one person that I would like to have a few words with (not that he'd care what I have to say). If his wife stays with him after the mockery he made of their marriage last night following his apology, then she absolutely deserves him. I'm not a late night t.v. gal, so he's not losing a viewer, but I'll be sure to blast him every opportunity I get for whatever that's worth.


• In fact, I've watched less than 2 hours of television since we've been home and we've been home for a week. I may be on to something here.


• I wish I could talk with my Mom. She'd understand how I'm feeling. I know she'd make me feel better.


• I think I need a new pair of boots. Lil Bit wore her new, hot pink suede with fringe numbers yesterday and she couldn't wait to leave the house and go to school. If only it were that easy.

Where Does The Time Go?

It was definitely back to reality this weekend, and that is a good thing. It was filled with football practice, a baseball game, a birthday party, play dates and a dinner party. There was shopping, spectating, socializing, chauffeuring, slicing (too many apples for crisp) and selling. My cub scout pounded the pavement selling popcorn throughout the neighborhood and then made the rounds with the family too. He sold over $1000 worth to secure the spot as top pack seller for this blitz weekend. That earned him a much coveted gift card he plans to use to buy more Legos, his new found passion. I am proud of his efforts, enthusiasm, commitment to an impressive goal and his sale's technique. He loaded up the Burley with product and pedaled away looking like the definition of adorable in his uniform. He let his sister tag along on her scooter and she was the definition of beside herself. Don't worry I was lurking close behind.

Today I left the house long enough to go to church. We were halfway through mass when I smelled my Mom. The comfort that familiar scent offered was really a prayer answered. As quickly as it permeated the air around me, it was gone. Uncanny really. Then my hubby and I went for our Sunday school soiree and the song that was playing in the coffee shop reminded me of my Mom. I felt like I was given one of her hang in there winks, and I needed one.

I spent the rest of the day at home catching up on chores in between chapters of Anita Shreve's new novel. It was the perfect day to have the dryer going all day because it was crisp, cloudy and cool just like a fall day should be. I'm heading up to bed now to finish the story. It's a good escape worth getting from the library, but then I am always eager to read anything that is set in Africa. Africa intrigues me.

This is going to be an incredibly busy week, made even more chaotic by out of town guests in town for my Grandma's funeral Friday. Some how everything will get done, but right now it seems like a long shot.

You Know What They Say...

A PICTURE'S WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS.

I could have literally spent our entire vacation taking pictures. There were Kodak moments around every corner. I took my share, but I refused to be caught capturing the moments in exchange for living in them. I had to leave the lens behind at times to experience the magic before me without a filter or distraction...I highly recommend it.

Welcome Home

It's been a banner week. We came home to reenter the rat race...the very chilly rat race. We went from 90+ degrees to 40- degrees. As if that wasn't shocking enough...I also found out that my Grandma's health was rapidly deteriorating to the point of no return.

My Mom's Mom passed on almost a year to the day after my Mom. While we knew it wouldn't be long, the timing was eerily sobering and saddening.

I was struggling with my words all week, but this news rendered me utterly speechless. Today it just doesn't quite feel right to talk about the magic of Disney...I should be praying for the grace of God.

Monday, September 28, 2009

We are back after a magical, fun-filled vacation at Disneyworld. I thought of my Mom at least a hundred times each day and I felt her with us. This trip was such a blessing.

One year ago today I had to say goodbye to my Mom. The devastating sadness over this incredible loss is overshadowing a week of happiness. It hurts just as sharply 365 days later. Time has done nothing to mitigate the pain.

Today I miss her just as much as yesterday.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

(Excerpt from personal journal)

It's just after 3:00 in the morning. My Mom has been making this noise for the past couple hours. It's a cross between a giggle and a moan. I'm trying to figure out if she is in delight or despair. Then I worry that she is feeling both: delight for the grace of God and despair over leaving loved ones behind. I guess one could say that I am in the very same position.

What I really want to write about is how I know I am not alone because I do believe. God is listening. One could say that I have had a crisis of faith during this 11 month, 5 day battle (but who's counting?) I've gone from complete cynicism to a being a bigger believer than I have ever been in all of my 39 years. I have felt spirits, been shored up, ad libbed beautiful, moving prayers and submitted to HIS will. It has taken me almost 4 decades (but who's counting?) to realize that I can talk to God anytime about anything, and when I do, I feel the load lessened.

Friday, September 26, 2008

(Excerpt from personal journal)

Throughout the night, my Mom mumbled mostly inaudibly. I found myself in and out of sleep until about 4:00 a.m. when her talking caused incessant coughing. I was laying beside her hospital bed on the couch thinking, "OK, if she coughs one more time, I'll get up. Please don't cough." It took me back to the days of tending to my kids when they were infants and I was sadly struck by how we gain each milestone in our lives only to be agonizingly stripped of them on our way out. I am just as sleep deprived and selfish for more slumber as when I had newborns stirring. I eventually had to get up, adjust her position and give her more meds. She woke easily. She kept her milky gaze fixed in the direction of the French doors and she reached out for something...a hand? She became agitated and started pulling at her covers in a frenzy. Clear as a bell she said, "Pearl." I knew Pearl was in the room and I felt such comfort even though I couldn't see her. Then she turned to me and with clearer eyes she said, "Goodnight honey, I love you."

She slept peacefully for hours and I rested beside her.

This waiting is the hardest part. I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for my Mom to die, and it is just finally setting in that when she is gone, she will be gone forever.

When I was a kid - about 6 or 7 - I remember grasping death. I realized that when I die I would be gone forever and ever. I would close my eyes and picture infinity. It was like a dark, endless, claustrophobic tunnel collapsing into a never ending black hole. This mind game always left me feeling so unsettled and thankful that I was young and didn't have to die for a very long time. It was only a month ago that I realized my Mom would be dying before I was ready. My Mom is too young to be facing death too.