Lately

 

I'm back to insularity. I think I know why, but I'm not ready to go there yet. I'm also hoping and praying that I don't have to. What I do want to put the shine on is simply the extraordinary ordinary of every day life right here, right now. I'm channeling presence and always gratitude. Together they are the secret sauce for getting through the day with a happy heart. So while I've been quiet, I have also been content.

I came home from work one day last week and snuggled in bed with my Hazel girl. It's our routine and so I'm trying to keep up with the rather demanding schedule she expects. It's grueling to come home and crawl into bed with her for a half hour. The windows were open and letting in the sweetest breeze. We relaxed in relative silence. That girl purrs like a puffing chuffing steam train. And of course there were the expected sounds of a summer afternoon: kids playing, dogs barking, a lawnmower humming away, a siren in the distance, the whir of the ceiling fan and the sad perch coo of a mourning dove in the yard. I fell into a deep meditation and emerged with a clear mind. It was better than a nap. I'm not good at quieting my monkey mind, but I now think I should give regular meditation another go.

I'm dealing with the end of a long-standing friendship that was important to me for decades. I don't know why. I don't really think it's me, but every night I'm back in high school in my dreams feeling all the teenage angst so as far as my subconscious is concerned, the burden and blame are mine. I'm doing something uncharacteristic. I've stopped reaching out and I'm letting it go. It feels a little bit like a death. I know it sounds dramatic, but I'm grieving. 

I'm mad and I'm sad and I miss my friend, but I'm also feeling beaten down and bruised. Then I thank God for the handful of girlfriends that are my chosen sisters. Btw, she was one of them. And I know my mom was right when she said, we are lucky to count our soul sisters on one hand. Friendships take time and attention. Those are finite resources.

So lately I've been thinking about reaching out to an old friend. We were thick as thieves for years. She was wicked smart and just as funny. We were Thelma and Louise. I know why our friendship cooled. I was married with little children and she was footloose and fancy free. I'm mulling over what I would say and also trying to parse out if I really miss her or I just want to fill that finger.

That being said, I was grateful that Sue reached out this week to get together. We had a long overdue catch up, wine night Thursday. Then Jess called yesterday and came for an impromptu dinner. She knows I have been a homebody so she came to me. I'm blessed they're both fingers.