15 Years

Happy Birthday Mom,

Today you would be 75 years young. I say that because your life was cut short at 60 and I just know that you would still be living and loving big if you were here. Fifteen years makes me pause. It is a long time especially at this stage of our lives.

I have been dreaming about you nightly. While not particularly comforting or disturbing in nature, your cameos force me to the realization that you are gone when I wake up. That's not the most pleasant way to start the day.

This morning Candace sent me a text while I was still sleeping and Lily sent one when I was showering. Two of our gals who know how much I miss you because they do too. 

So a of couple things. Life is good and full at present. All summer, I've embraced this good fortune. Then the past couple weeks I've found myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, looking for harbingers of changing kismet, sensing the impending storm after a season of calm. It felt like self sabotage and a return to my pessimistic past, but I realized that this is a product of the anxiety that plagues me this time of year. Every year. For the past 15 years. Therein lies the textbook definition of it doesn't get easier, it gets different.

The hardest part is knowing what my kids have lost in losing you. You cherished them and loved nothing more than being their Nanny. I got 40 years with you. Teddy and Lily only got 7 and 4 respectively.

I wish we could toast you at Grenadier's (although that Milwaukee icon is also gone). I wish you could have seen your grandson become an Ironman. He has your grit. I wish you could spend time with Lily. She has your dry wit. They both have your fiery spirit and your joie de vivre. You would be unabashedly proud of them. And me. Because them.

This next week will be tricky. It always is. Your birthday and then Heaven day 7 days later. But you always said what doesn't kill us, doesn't kill us. I know I'll get through it.

I love you Mom. You were simply the best!