A Design So Vast

This morning I mentioned to the ether on Instagram that I'm feeling porous, delicate and prone. I chose these words with careful thought. Their meanings are meaningful...important. I've been feeling the precarious nature of time. The mutability in minutes, days, months, years. There's a disquietedness in measuring all the change and in accepting all the stagnation. When I feel this way, I'm like the groundhog on February 2nd...I go underground.

I've been having wildly vivid, emotional dreams the last couple weeks. Dreams that seem to last all night long and then stay with me the whole of the next day. They aren't exactly lucid dreams although they are similar. The thing is that they feel more like a reckoning than a recounting. In that way they are very real. They are full of remorse, shame, regret, confusion, angst, anger and anguish. They are also filled with forgiveness, acceptance, clarity, devotion. affection,  passion and a whole lot of familiar faces. Best of luck sleeping peacefully through that kind of fervor.

I think giving up sugar for Lent is largely responsible for the sudden intensity of my dreams. It makes sense that one detox leads to another. I'm all for getting as healthy as possible physically and emotionally, but a girl needs her rest.

So yeah I touched on the periphery of my recent emotional state today to all my close friends on Instagram because I didn't have time to write meaningfully today. Obviously, I'm an all or nothing kinda gal. Last night's dream started to fade as I went along with my day and I honestly lost the urge to write at all. Then I stepped out at lunch to run an errand and I ran into someone that was a small part of my dream last night. I haven't seen her in probably 30 years. We were never friends. In fact, we were the opposite of friends. I did a double take when I passed her not knowing why because I didn't recognize her until I saw her notice me. We didn't acknowledge one another, and yet we did. I got in my car and sat there sort of stunned for a minute. When these things happen to me it's unnerving. And these things seem to happen to me often.

I know I've waxed on this before. The way we are made of energy. Energy is always vibrating, echoing, rippling, manifesting. There is a pull to it. It's not coincidence when something like this happens. It's coincidence when you show up at an event in the same dress as another attendee not when you think of someone you haven't seen in decades and hours later you're face to face. 

I think these things happen to me because I'm open to them. Being receptive can leave me feeling fragile and exposed at times. and also humbled and awed at the design so vast.