This feels like a really long week. I write this and it contradicts the fact that I'm in absolute disbelief that it's already mid March. I've not yet adjusted to getting up in the dark, or the way it feels like 4 o'clock in the afternoon at 6 o'clock in the evening. It perplexes me the way a single hour can disturb my equilibrium to this extent, and yet I know this about myself: that I am a creature of custom. I accept and try to embrace that I am not easily adaptable to change no matter how slight it may seem. And sometimes I swear it's the small shifts that cause the biggest disturbances. It's all relative, of course, but I know that I am finely tuned and highly wired to sense the swells. I don't ride the waves. I resist them, but it's of no use because they have a life force and a will all their own. It's both older and stronger than mine.
We're entering spring sports season and the kids are already consumed with lessons and practices every single day. Lily didn't get home until 8 o'clock tonight and Teddy just rolled in a few minutes ago. I'm accustomed to coming home from work, watching the news while I prep dinner, and then sitting down as a family around 7:30 to eat. That's just not going to work right now or in the foreseeable future. The truth is that Ted eats out many nights, Lily has recently become a vegetarian and Mike and I are doing an elimination (no sugar, gluten, processed foods) diet. We're all eating different things at different times. I'm proud of Lily and the way she's been planning and preparing her meals. She added her requests to the grocery list and she's been packing her lunch and making her dinner. It's only been a week, but truthfully I was surprised when it lasted longer than a day. I'm trying to be supportive because she's making healthy choices, and this is a choice that's important to her presently. Eating healthier is something that's important to each of us, and it's a lot easier when we're in this together.
The reality here is that I've got to let go of what was and seize what is. Winter is passing the torch
to spring, our family evenings are not going to be spent around the table, but at one ball park or another, my son will be graduating from high school and my daughter will be one year closer to doing the same. I'm feeling more than ever that these days are numbered, and thus, precious. Not to be squandered or taken for granted, but cherished and lived on full tilt.
But I'm still feeling a little world-weary. Home is where the hygge has been, and I've been basking in it all these late winter months. I haven't been holed up exactly, but going out...gathering...has been a choice carefully measured and weighed. This weekend is St. Paddy's Day and I'm not feeling the pull to go out to celebrate the way I usually am every March 17th. I'm missing my mom. That always happens this time of year. Then this morning I chose music in lieu of talk radio for the first time in forever and the song that came on was You Are The Sunshine of my Life. That Stevie Wonder song always comes at the right time. Just when I need a hug from my mom. I got it.
Tomorrow the forecast tempts 60 degrees. Perhaps a thunderstorm too. If it holds off, I may take a walk before work. I haven't walked since 2018. I know that's another thing missing from my life right now. A long walk is good for the mind, body and spirit.
I came across this Alfred Camus quote today and it's still with me:
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?
That's what I want. It's all I want: parity, peace, simpatico, good vibrations, grace.
My quesadilla queen.
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