A Little Story

I have a little story to tell. I was looking for my one of my favorite pairs of earrings last week on a day when I was feeling a little spunky. They are turquoise and silver and I wear them a lot in the summer when I feel like being colorful. It's very likely that I haven't worn them since last summer. I searched  jewelry boxes, drawers and travel bags all to no avail. I've thought about them over the week. It chaws me to lose things. I used a tactic my husband encourages where you try to remember the last time you knew where the now missing item was, but I honestly can't remember last month let alone last August. So this morning I was thinking that after church I was going to pull out my overnight bag and look in every single one of the pockets just as I was reaching for a bracelet in my jewelry box, and what caught my eye, but my missing earrings. I felt a surge of thankfulness, and I stopped to express my gratitude to God. See I know I looked through every drawer of both my jewelry boxes and I didn't find my earrings and yet here they were. Now I don't think God goes around planting earthly treasures we've misplaced to delight us, but there is something about the mystery of finding them and the way that sign connected me to my faith.

One of the things we committed to do this Lenten season was to attend mass each week for the holy period. We haven't been once. I'll spare you the litany of excuses, but you should know that this morning we all four were church bound. Teddy left early for a golf lesson and the rest of us slept in a bit. We are early mass goers so it would have been easy to say skip it again, but we didn't. The kids wanted to. I knew they weren't happy I was telling them not that they had to come, but that it would make me gratefully happy if they did. I felt that finding my earrings was a sign that the universe is listening, and that we need to listen too.

And it just so happens that we're halfway through Lent. The priest acknowledged that many of us aren't where we want to be. That maybe we're doing the things we said we wouldn't and not doing the things we said we would. To that he said: recommit. He acknowledged that it's never to late to make positive change. And that is where my heart was when I sat down in the third pew to pray this morning before Father even reminded me of God's grace. I'm ready not for a do over, but for a do better.

Grateful Friday

It's been another week that kinda got away from me. They're all balancing acts. This week I gave myself permission to let some balls drop. They always do. But this week I gave myself permission to let them fall where they may. I called upon grace. Goodwill. I promised I will have no guilt for my shortcomings this week because I'm doing my best and long ago I learned that I cannot, will not, let perfect ruin good. Also, this is a marathon not a sprint so I've got my eye on the finish line I may never see. That means it's about the journey all this living we do.

I left work early today to spend some time with my Lily. (So thankful for a boss who is generous and kind and allows me to be spontaneous.) I took her to Taco Bell (her new fave) and then to one of her best loved stores. I gave her a budget, and then I bought all the loot because she only went over a little. Plus she's extra fun to spoil. She got a pair of camo pants that I swear I owned ages ago. I loved that she loved them and they were so darn cute on her. It was the best shopping experience we've shared in a long time because I was trying not to impose my will at all. What a difference that makes. Every day I learn. Every.Single.Day. Then we took the long way home along the lake and realized we were behind my brother. He kept waving at us with his after surgery arm through the moon roof and I was like, "What's wrong with that guy?!?" Lily recognized it was her uncle. He called and we chatted.  I'm so thankful that we can randomly end up behind a relative at 3:30 in the afternoon. There are times that I need to feel how small the world is. Small as in close and near.

We had so much fun together last Saturday. Mike and I went over for cocktail hour Saturday gloaming and came home just before midnight. It was one of those spontaneous gatherings that has everyone feeling the chi. We played a bazillion Billy Joel songs all getting amped up for the concert next month. I seriously am beyond excited for this show. We've been listening to Billy Joel all our lives. First because it was our parent's music and then because it was our music. Every song is a memory. It's going to be an emotionally charged experience. They're the best kind.

Another highlight of the week was Wednesday. Lily, Jess and I headed north to hike the dunes at Kohler-Andrae State Park. It was a chilly 39 degrees when we set out, but I was looking for exhilarating. We trespassed and my feet got soaked and we froze our faces and hands off, but it was great. We saw deer and turkey and I found a heart-shaped rock. Plus I felt the call of the waves and the heat of the sun, and alive. Like the one wild and precious life kind of living. We headed into town for lunch. Although it could have and should have been so much better given the Chicago prices, it was good enough. It was the weirdest Cobb salad I've ever had, but I almost cleaned my plate. Jess's sandwich was dry. She didn't leave hungry. The meal wasn't the point. The point was being together and making memories. We did that. Next time we'll eat somewhere else.

Teddy's been busy all week between practices and eating out and March Madness.  He's living the life of Riley as he should at this juncture in his life. He and his buds are always together. It warms my heart. That he has such a true and constant tribe of good folks. It's number one what I want for my kids. Good friends are life blood. I almost had a panic attack when my first thought this morning was that in 4 1/2 months, he'll be gone. God please help me to develop the strength to let him leave.

Thank you.

Thank you for all of it.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

My guy made me breakfast this morning. A big pile of spinach and a sunny side up egg never tasted so good.

A long lunch with my friend Sue yesterday. We enjoyed the time to catch up, a scrumptious Chinese buffet and the generous offer for Alan to treat us.

The smell of petrichor. It's quintessential spring.

Ideas for what to read next. I've been in a rut. A good memoir always pulls me out of it so I'm waiting patiently for a couple to come in at the library.

Binge watching The Americans with my guy. We're both hooked on this spy story.

Music in the morning. It's been almost 2 weeks since I saw Phantom and I'm still hearing it constantly in my head. I've also been listening to music on the way to work rather than depressing talk radio. It puts me in a much better mood.

The Billy Joel concert next month. I checked out recent playlists and I'm already very much looking forward to this show. It'll be especially nostalgic seeing it with my family.

A date with my girl tonight. Plans to see Us. I love Jordan Peele and a well-made horror film. This one is highly praised. Then we'll grab some dinner.. Her choice.

A new rug for the living room. The rug that was in there was too dark and too small, but I loved it.Now I'm loving it in the foyer.

Spring sprucing. A few other minor projects and purchases are in process.

Coconut milk in my coffee. I've recently discovered that the Mexican coconut milk is creamier than the Thai version and so that's what I'm using.

Naps.

Lily for stepping up to the plate when asked to explore becoming the team's catcher. The coach wooed her by saying he felt she had the attitude, athleticism and head for the position.

Ted's committed to two practices. He goes to golf after school and then heads to baseball. He's not getting home until 9:30 every night, but he's not complaining.

My mom's zucchini casserole mid-week just because.

Sunrise and sunset. I'm such a sucker for a showy sky.

Spring break is next week. We're staying put and Lily is not happy about that. Ted's fine because he went to Utah last month and many of his friends will be around. According to Lil every single one of her friends is going on a trip. She seemed genuinely surprised when I told her that I don't get off for spring break. I don't feel I can take off either because I just started this new job in October. I will take a day or two if we can make some plans to hang out together. Now if we win the lottery on Saturday night, that will be another story entirely.

A Design So Vast

This morning I mentioned to the ether on Instagram that I'm feeling porous, delicate and prone. I chose these words with careful thought. Their meanings are meaningful...important. I've been feeling the precarious nature of time. The mutability in minutes, days, months, years. There's a disquietedness in measuring all the change and in accepting all the stagnation. When I feel this way, I'm like the groundhog on February 2nd...I go underground.

I've been having wildly vivid, emotional dreams the last couple weeks. Dreams that seem to last all night long and then stay with me the whole of the next day. They aren't exactly lucid dreams although they are similar. The thing is that they feel more like a reckoning than a recounting. In that way they are very real. They are full of remorse, shame, regret, confusion, angst, anger and anguish. They are also filled with forgiveness, acceptance, clarity, devotion. affection,  passion and a whole lot of familiar faces. Best of luck sleeping peacefully through that kind of fervor.

I think giving up sugar for Lent is largely responsible for the sudden intensity of my dreams. It makes sense that one detox leads to another. I'm all for getting as healthy as possible physically and emotionally, but a girl needs her rest.

So yeah I touched on the periphery of my recent emotional state today to all my close friends on Instagram because I didn't have time to write meaningfully today. Obviously, I'm an all or nothing kinda gal. Last night's dream started to fade as I went along with my day and I honestly lost the urge to write at all. Then I stepped out at lunch to run an errand and I ran into someone that was a small part of my dream last night. I haven't seen her in probably 30 years. We were never friends. In fact, we were the opposite of friends. I did a double take when I passed her not knowing why because I didn't recognize her until I saw her notice me. We didn't acknowledge one another, and yet we did. I got in my car and sat there sort of stunned for a minute. When these things happen to me it's unnerving. And these things seem to happen to me often.

I know I've waxed on this before. The way we are made of energy. Energy is always vibrating, echoing, rippling, manifesting. There is a pull to it. It's not coincidence when something like this happens. It's coincidence when you show up at an event in the same dress as another attendee not when you think of someone you haven't seen in decades and hours later you're face to face. 

I think these things happen to me because I'm open to them. Being receptive can leave me feeling fragile and exposed at times. and also humbled and awed at the design so vast.

Betwixt and Between

This feels like a really long week. I write this and it contradicts the fact that I'm in absolute disbelief that it's already mid March. I've not yet adjusted to getting up in the dark, or the way it feels like 4 o'clock in the afternoon at 6 o'clock in the evening. It perplexes me the way a single hour can disturb my equilibrium to this extent, and yet I know this about myself: that I am a creature of custom. I accept and try to embrace that I am not easily adaptable to change no matter how slight it may seem. And sometimes I swear it's the small shifts that cause the biggest disturbances. It's all relative, of course, but I know that I am finely tuned and highly wired to sense the swells. I don't ride the waves. I resist them, but it's of no use because they have a life force and a will all their own. It's both older and stronger than mine.

We're entering spring sports season and the kids are already consumed with lessons and practices every single day. Lily didn't get home until 8 o'clock tonight and Teddy just rolled in a few minutes ago. I'm accustomed to coming home from work, watching the news while I prep dinner, and then sitting down as a family around 7:30 to eat. That's just not going to work right now or in the foreseeable future. The truth is that Ted eats out many nights, Lily has recently become a vegetarian and Mike and I are doing an elimination (no sugar, gluten, processed foods) diet. We're all eating different things at different times. I'm proud of Lily and the way she's been planning and preparing her meals. She added her requests to the grocery list and she's been packing her lunch and making her dinner. It's only been a week, but truthfully I was surprised when it lasted longer than a day. I'm trying to be supportive because she's making healthy choices, and this is a choice that's important to her presently. Eating healthier is something that's important to each of us, and it's a lot easier when we're in this together.

The reality here is that I've got to let go of what was and seize what is. Winter is passing the torch 

to spring, our family evenings are not going to be spent around the table, but at one ball park or another, my son will be graduating from high school and my daughter will be one year closer to doing the same. I'm feeling more than ever that these days are numbered, and thus, precious. Not to be squandered or taken for granted, but cherished and lived on full tilt. 

But I'm still feeling a little world-weary. Home is where the hygge has been, and I've been basking in it all these late winter months. I haven't been holed up exactly, but going out...gathering...has been a choice carefully measured and weighed. This weekend is St. Paddy's Day and I'm not feeling the pull to go out to celebrate the way I usually am every March 17th. I'm missing my mom. That always happens this time of year. Then this morning I chose music in lieu of talk radio for the first time in forever and the song that came on was You Are The Sunshine of my Life. That Stevie Wonder song always comes at the right time. Just when I need a hug from my mom. I got it.

Tomorrow the forecast tempts 60 degrees. Perhaps a thunderstorm too. If it holds off, I may take a walk before work. I haven't walked since 2018. I know that's another thing missing from my life right now. A long walk is good for the mind, body and spirit.

I came across this Alfred Camus quote today and it's still with me:

But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads?

That's what I want. It's all I want: parity, peace, simpatico, good vibrations, grace.

 My quesadilla queen.

weekending

friday night i put my mind to it that i was going to finish the alice network before book club the next day...

yet i went to bed with 100 pages left to read.

i got up with the intention to finish, but i was easily distracted by anything and everything.

i'm good at that.

still i finished the last 30 pages on the road.

(i wasn't driving.)

the ending was predictable.

i had the feeling i could just skip it, but i'm a reader at heart and i needed to finish the book i started.

we gathered (9 of us this rainy, sleety day) in a cozy room at the delafield brew house.

we wined and dined and enjoyed all the festive st. paddy's day touches that the hostess thoughtfully added to the afternoon.

the book banter was, and almost always is, secondary to the camaraderie and connection we share.

a few ladies returned to casa wags for another glass of wine and more girl talk.

before we knew it, it was almost 7 o'clock and time for the show.

we had tickets to see mama mia at the high school.

i love spring musical season and this production didn't disappoint.

it was full of talent and energy and joy.

my favorite part was when the entire cast came out at the end dancing and singing abba songs.

the audience was singing and dancing right along with them.

everyone on their feet swaying and smiling.

i neglected to set the clocks back saturday night so i slept through early mass and didn't have time to get to late mass before seeing another show.

(it was not the way i wanted to start the lenten season.)

my aunt invited me to see phantom sunday afternoon and there was no way i was passing on that.

that show, or the time with my aunt.

phantom is one of my favorites and so is she.

the fourth time was the charm.

the actor who played the phantom absolutely made the show.

it was almost like seeing it for the first time.

we stopped out at the rumpus room post show because we were too hyped to go home.

we shared this perfect charcuterie board and more conversation...

a little rose...a little malbec.

it was the perfect end to the weekend of entertainment and connection.

 

on the way home i snapped this shot.

it was 7 o'clock and still light out.

the snow is melting, the days are stretching and i am ready to come out to play again.

Grateful Friday

Last week I didn't write a single word and this week I didn't take one picture. Life is good. I am fine. I've been taking on each day and feeling the awe of every sunrise and sunset. Coming home this early evening I was in complete awe of that blazing ball of fire. I cannot imagine a sunset anywhere on earth that could possibly compare to what I laid eyes on tonight at the end of Good Hope Road. The sight of that perfect orb of  indescribable color had the effect of church on me. I was humbled and astounded and grateful. I've been in my head this recent stretch. That's not my best modus operandi and I know it. I'm a heart girl. It's my comfort zone: feeling not thinking. I'm thinking too too much right now. Analyzing and ruminating and worrying. And that's exactly why this little Friday post that captures all the things I'm grateful for is crucial this week. It reminds me that I can't let perfect ruin good, or live outside of the moment, or ignore the extraordinary of the ordinary. It's where the magic happens. I've seen it.

Today I give thanks for...

The hour and a half I spent on the phone tonight with my frister. I recently disappointed her. In doing so, I disappointed myself. We're two of the last people I want to let down, but she's extending me the grace maybe I don't deserve. I need it right now. I love her even more for granting it to me.

Book club tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it despite the fact I'm only halfway through the book. I cannot get traction. I tried. Tried hard. The Alice Network was just not calling me. It's the first book club I've EVER been to where I've not finished the book. There's a first time for everything though.

I've been in a serious stay home mode, but then last Friday we headed to Appleton to have dinner at my bro and sil's pizzeria just because, and we didn't regret it. The Marge and the Beetza were delish as was the Chianti. The company was quite good too. It started to snow while we lingered listening to the live music and it was really cozy and warm.

Ted and O. are having a joint graduation party. The W families convened on Saturday to discuss details and we are thick in the planning of one awesome culmination celebration. I love it that our two babes have known one another since birth...born 4 days apart...and we're sending them off together. We have a long and cherished history with the W's and we all know how special it is that we do. Some friends are the family you choose.

A Sunday fiesta for our February girls. It was a fun, delicious night of family and good food. Both my parents ranked our dinner that night in their top three. 

Setting the table.

Preparing a signature cocktail. Coconut Margaritas this night.

Getting out the birthday glasses.

Chocolate chocolate cake.

 A sous chef and everyone willing to lend a hand.

A grill master who shovels his own path and hold his own flashlight. Fajitas were the bomb Babe!

That smile! Gifts that excite and delight.

We're going to see Billy Joel in April! Such a fab birthday surprise for all ages!

A girl and her cat. He's taken.

Peanut just wants to be part of the party.

A new idea for a sitcom after my work trip this week. It's never too late to write one.

Teddy noticed how much I love my new job this week. It's really never too late to be happy.

Crazy dreams this week. Only because I wake up.

Waking up.