December 5, 2015

So it dawned on me this morning that I've neglected this space.  Not showing up here at least a couple times a week is as bad for my constitution as little sleep, too much sugar and not enough exercise.  I have a mind dump journal that I scribble the overflow in when it threatens to take over.  Daily. Ideas I want to explore, quotes I want to quote, words I want to remember and things I want to forget.  Forget as in get out of my head...off my mind.  Here I write about the times I want to remember, and when I don't, I fear I'll forget them.  Lose them forever.  Almost as if they never happened.  It's clear how little I trust my own memory.

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Things have been messy around here.  Messy in the best sense of the word.  The house is a work in progress as is my life every single day.  It is both exciting and exhausting.  Each day I see change and that is the end goal, but my relationship with time is melancholic and wistful.  I do not know how to refrain from mourning its passage.  It's something to do with the way I'm wired.

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When I wrote December 5, 2015 on the check to pay the Boy Scouts for my Christmas wreath this morning, I felt a mournful tug of disbelief.  Denial.  It's 50 degrees and during our walk this morning it felt more like spring than almost winter.  Teddy's ski trip was cancelled today.  No snow.  It seems like just last year that he started walking on his own two feet, and a week ago he was a rosy cheeked troop member pedaling pine wreaths.  Yesterday, he kindly reminded me that oh so very soon he'll be able to drive himself to school.  In a car!

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Lily left the wiggly tooth that met its demise on her nightstand last night.  She didn't balk at the fact that the Tooth Fairy failed to reward her cast off canine.  Is is because she doesn't believe there is a Tooth Fairy?  Or has she learned to expect her to take a couple days?  Yet she wonders when Fred will return and has been looking for the little elf every morning.  I never ever want the magic to expire.  

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But everything expires and too soon.  The day, the season, the year.  Childhood, loved ones, dreams.  It's impermanence that makes my heart race and ache.  Nothing lasts forever.  This sentiment ingrained in us from the beginning.  Not as curse, but as gentle reminder to always (or as much as we conceivably can) see the good, be the good, remember the good.