Today, I am...

The first thing I noticed this morning was that my throat was a little less sore than it has been for over a week. I'm tired of wincing when I swallow and popping Chloraseptic lozenges throughout the day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a return to health.

It's dark out now when I get up in the morning.  The loss of light tricks me into thinking that I'm still tired. Today I set my alarm for 8 more minutes, but it was still like night when it went off.

Miss Bit didn't want to get up either.  I had to rouse her 3 times.  Two is usually the limit.  I almost turned on her light, but then I remembered how much I hated it when my mom did that to me.  She would hustle into my room singing rise and shine on repeat.  Her energy and those cheerful words were agonizing first thing in the morning. Turning on the bright light was a surefire way to get me in a dark mood.  Instead I decided to open Bit's shade just a tad.  It's a cloudy day so I didn't think it would be too shocking.  It seemed to have had no lasting consequences.

Yesterday was a sunny, warm March day.  Today is overcast and cooler.  I'm a brumous person by nature so a grey day has little chance of slowing me down, but the unpredictable nature of the change of seasons, and specifically spring, often makes me cranky and irritable. Only those who get it...get it.  Everyone else is desperate for spring.

So snow is in our evening forecast, but as the raindrops met the pavement this morning, they released that familiar spring smell.  It's earthy, slightly sweet and chalky.  An olfactory reminder of what is soon to come and stay. Passing by my favorite Lake Michigan swim spot, I wanted to fast forward to summer.  Who is this?  I couldn't help but wonder.  I'm not one for the mad rush, but I was reliving the evening of our last swim at gloaming in all it's glory.  Let's just say I got ahead of myself.  Way ahead as it's unlikely we'll even be dipping our toes in this water for months.

I kept my eye on the lake as I drove south along the shore.  Not even a week ago I heard that 90% of the Great Lakes were frozen, and I believed it.  Seeing is believing.  From the shore, all I could see was a great expanse of snow and ice.  I wondered how long it would take to walk clear across to Michigan.  This morning the ice flows have shrunken and retreated.  Today I'd need a boat to cross.

Lately I hear that little voice in my head saying, One day at a time.  It's the same voice that whispers, be . here . now.  I've learned that it is harder for me to exist in the day than it is to be in the moment.  My short attention span can savor the moment, and still neglect the day.  I can stop for a second to relish, cherish, praise, and then get ahead of myself all over again.  It is my nature, and perhaps, just human nature.

When I passed the Art Museum, I realized it's been almost a year since my last visit.  I caught myself  saying soon, and then wondered what I'm waiting for.  Soon doesn't address my desire to be . here . now . I'm working on replacing someday, sometime, one day and one of these days with more definitive time frames like today, now, and Wednesday.  I'll go tomorrow, I think. That would be nice.  And I'm also working on being nice to myself. Double happiness.

I know making time for exercise is especially nice so I do even after a long day.  Long ago I understood the connection between exercise and my mental as well as my physical well being.  Every day gets better after a workout even the most stellar and sublime.  Today is no different.  I wish knowing what I know, that I could figure out why some days it is something I approach with utter procrastination and resistance.

Dinner tonight was simple, yet tasty.  I seasoned up some chicken thighs with cumin, garlic salt and sweet paprika, baked them in a buttermilk bath and served them alongside a wedge salad and baked potato. Serving my family healthy, homemade meals is important to me.  I always feel good when I know they eat well.  What is gratifying now is that they have come not only to enjoy what I cook, but also to appreciate it. When they were younger, they were envious of friends who ate lots of fast food, but I think they are finally aware that they are the lucky ones.  T. Bone is reading Michael Pollan's The Omnivore's Dilemma for school, and it is really hammering home the connection that we are what we eat.  Can't wait until my chicken nugget lovin Lil Bit reads that in 7th grade.

Now I would like to finish Into the Woods.  Finally, I am thinking, but I hush that little voice in the name of being nice. It's true that I am off to a painfully slow start in the reading department this year, but I remind myself that I am a reader.  I read every day and that is enough.  That is good.  I'm getting better at being nice to myself even in the last 10 minutes.

I have been thinking a lot about the absolute power of the I am statement.  Whatever we follow that assertion with,  we own, or else it owns us. 

Today I am sick.  I am tired.  I am a patient mom.  I am a cloudy sky, grey day lover.  I am deeply rooted here on the shores of Lake Michigan.  I am a girl who wants to be present.  I am nostalgic.  I am wistful.  I am complex.  I am paying attention to what feeds my soul.  I am paying attention to what feeds my family's bodies.  I am a story lover and also a storyteller.  I am a writer.  I am worthy.

These I ams can empower me or deflate me.  I choose.  That's the beauty: the choice is mine.