I look forward to October all year long. It's a cozy month that usually fills me with comfort and contentment so I can hardly explain the heaviness in my heart or the haziness in my head yesterday. It was an effort to get out of bed, and also to resist the urge to get back in all day. Everything was an effort. Herculean. The beautiful summer fall day finally beguiled me into getting out for some fresh air, fast moving feet therapy. I was no more than a hundred yards into my walk when I came upon two deer...my two deer. I've watched them apple picking numerous times the past few weeks. They watch me too more curiously than fearfully as they snack away now. They eventually turn their backs on me, but something inside me doesn't want to face away. I do, but I keep looking behind me and I cannot quite explain this urge. The path was busy with furry caterpillars, and that made me miss my Lil Bit lots. Lavinia and Belle and Mama Mae were keeping me company though as I listened to The Kitchen House. I turned it off when Lavinia had to leave Suki behind because I just couldn't contain my tears. What a sweaty, sobbing sight I am sure I was...thin skinned and vulnerable. That's me. Nothing felt right all day so I was grateful to put myself to bed right after tucking the kids in last night. I surrendered. Day is done I thought as I drifted off as if drugged.
Today I woke feeling much less sensitive and fragile. This the second day of October has progressed much like the first except that I am living in the day instead of wishing it away. Everything tastes, looks, sounds, smells and feels better. I'm smiling more and I haven't shed a single tear. If it were up to me, this day would never end.
