The Load (proceed with caution)

I'm struggling the past few days. OK weeks. All right already month. It's not exactly that I'm sad although at times it is exactly that. What I am is overwhelmed, overwrought, and under enthused. I feel distant, guarded, isolated and afraid. It's not new to me to need to withdraw from time to time when the world feels too much, but I've never feared this exigency. This time I do and that fact is causing me a mounting level of anxiety. Truthfully, I'm having a hard time just writing this because putting words to these paralyzing feelings makes me feel all the more crippled.

I've been trying to come out from under this cloud by identifying the source of the shroud or finding a solution to the shadow, but the deeper I dig and the harder I try, the more daunting it becomes and the more hopeless I feel. There a moments and even days of reprieve. Yesterday a long chilly walk moderated my mood. The uptick was sustained by spending quality time with my girl after school. We made a list and visited the library in search of a couple titles to read together. Seeing her excited about reading really brings joy to my heart. My son just finished his favorite book for the third time. I don't know that I've ever voluntarily read the same book three times. What am I waiting for? That's what the recusant voice in my head says. When we got home, Miss Bit and I continued our girl time. We made valentines for her classmates. I'm telling you we designed, traced, cut, colored and glued the sweetest little cards. She was so excited to be creative and adamant to be sure she was choosing each classmate's favorite color. If you were really plugged in you'd be making heart shaped crafts and cookies, pink and red everything, feeling the L-O-V-E not slogging through the hours day by day. That's what the nay saying voice in my head whispers and taunts.

Ask me how I am and I'll probably say "fine," and perhaps even "good." That's what people really want to hear and what else would I say if I really don't want to talk about it...if I don't know how to talk about it. I used to pride myself on being such a good communicator...inter and intra both. And maybe I was, but at some point along the way, I stopped talking about any adverse feelings. I've ignored them, denied them, deflected them, repressed them, mocked them, pushed them aside, down deep and over and out. What is wrong with you? Get over it. Don't be a baby the same unforgiving voice chides.

So I drown out the voice. I listen to my book when I walk. I turn on the t.v. the minute I get home. I turn on the radio when I'm in the car. I don't sit in silence. I refuse to reconcile my feelings, or to make peace with my thoughts, fears or frustrations, and that folks is just a breeding ground for more of the same. The well-known dynamic of the unrelenting vicious circle. Fear begets fear. Frustration begets frustration. despair begets despair. Angst begets angst and ire begets ire.

I don't know what to do with this yet. I really don't. Yet the frightening prospect of putting this out there in black and white now offers a tiny bit of relief. It feels like a small breakthrough...a baby step in the right direction. I know I cannot wait this out any longer. My only plan at present is to bundle up and walk forward into the day. Walking helps. Writing helps. Today I am going to leave any and all distraction at home while I forge ahead and through. I know with some hard work, I'll get there. There...where I want to be.

(If you made it through...I'm sorry, but I did warn you.)