It Is What It Is

I didn't write a 2 day pass post this weekend. It was my choice. This weekend had it's bright spots as they all do, but I had a cloud hanging over my head so try as I might I just couldn't bring myself to ramble on about Planet of the Apes and pizzas with the boys or a pain-free 4 miler with my man. The cloud really had little to do with 9/11, but the date's significance certainly didn't help any sunshine break through either. The truth is...I was grateful for the prevailing mood because there are times a girl just needs to wallow. Let me just say that it's a whole lot easier to wade around in the muck and the mire when the rest of the world is too. The only rogue ray was when I heard PS 22 sing their tribute to NYC. Who would have thought that an insurance commercial of all things could be so terrifically touching?

So back to this cloud cover. I'm not even sure I want to write about it, and yet I have to clear this air somehow. I am in this lonely place where I feel like I have no one to talk to. Well...almost no one. And in a way this has been a blessing because I have sat in silence most of the time trying to come to terms, make sense, find peace.

I've been holed up in my head and searching my heart for answers about just how to reconcile my feelings over the difficult words I had with a family member over the weekend. I say I had words because literally that was the very nature of the one-sided exchange. I communicated my feelings once provoked and he really had nothing to say that was healing or constructive. I don't regret that it happened or what I said or even how I said it. I do regret where that leaves us now, but in reality we've been on this flight path for quite some time and there really was no other possible destination. After I caught my breath and dried my eyes, there was even a little relief...as if to say we're finally here. To say that I have been experiencing the yin-yang of emotions would be a gross understatement so I'm no closer to clarity at this point. In fact, my mind is so muddled that I'm not even sure there is such a thing as clarity anymore.

To further muddy the waters, there is another person in my life with whom I probably should have words, or should have had words with a long time ago. It's really too late now for many reasons, but this recent realization has me mourning the loss of the relationship as I once knew it. I am in the process of accepting the way things are, but I'm still not comfortable with it and I'm a terrible actress. It's been exhausting to stifle my emotions, to put on a happy face, to be satisfied with status quo. I'm zapped, but the thing is that I now know I cannot give it anymore of my energy. I am almost to the point of believing and being ok with my Mom's words ringing in my head: It is what it is. No less and no more.

The one thing that is most transparent to me as I'm struggling with these damaged relationships is that I know now more than ever who and what is deserving of my energy. I am once again firm in my beliefs that I cannot change someone else nor hold them responsible for my happiness. I am damn sure that loving relationships should not hurt and that when we don't trust loved ones with our feelings, communication shuts down and this is what we're left with. What I don't know is where we go from here, but I guess I only have to figure out where I am going. I think I can do that.