I'm sitting here alone in my quiet house for the first time in over a week. Although there are no gifts to buy or cookies to bake, there's still plenty I can do and more I should do, but what I want to do is nothing. I'm in the throes of the post-holiday letdown. It happens every year...even years when Christmas feels to have overstayed its welcome.
The truth is that I'm not good at 'goodbyes.' I'm still trying to get to the heart of 2010 so it's hard for me to put my heart into 2011. I'm stuck in limbo...uncomfortably betwixt and between. I feel like I've been banished to Siberia, but not because I'm shivering. It's the vast nothingness of the days that leave me feeling barren and numb...an inner chill.
It thaws for moments here and there. I soften when my daughter wakes with a smile on her face and a spring in her step on the first day back to school. Excited she is to see friends, wear new clothes, eat the school lunch (yep...true) and most of all, to see her teacher. I melt when my son, who is almost as tall as I am now, comes down crying after being tucked in for the night. He's sad about losing his mommy and daddy, and worrying about what he'll do without us. When I take him back to bed for a snuggle, he traces "I love you forever" on my back with his finger. I relent when I write and put words to my feelings. Giving them credence gives me the power to change them, for I cannot change what I do not acknowledge.
Today, I'm just painfully aware of the work I've got to do to get from here to there.
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