be.here.now

One of the first things I do on these December mornings is plug in the trees. There's something about the twinkling lights that sets the right tone. This morning the sky just before sunrise caught my eye. It was dynamic. Expressive. Resplendent. I went out to take a picture knowing it would only capture a trace of what I witnessed. I opened the door and immediately confirmed that the cold front came through over night. The whipping wind was sobering. Abrasive. Forewarning. I heard it raging all night long. It made me feel thankful for my cozy house...my shelter from the storm.

And storm it did. Thunder and lightning in December. I stepped out after dark to take in the completed decorations. The air was oddly moist and warm. I went out to the street to get the passersby view. I approved. We're not the Griswolds. Our approach is less is more, classy, calm.

Cozy too. I never left the house yesterday. I planned to, but then I didn't want to. So I didn't. Coziness is hard to resist. Candace came for coffee before she went to work and we lessened our loads. It's what friends do: purge, listen, advise. We confirmed we both had better days because of our cup of coffee. I made chicken stock, which became chicken enchilada soup for dinner. Soup is love in a bowl. I played Christmas music all day as I finally decorated my dining room tree with my Mom's ornaments. It's something I do alone year after year. Well, I don't really feel alone. I always feel my Mom's presence. And I feel peace.

After school and sports, the kids helped me put ornaments on our living room tree. We no longer have room for all the beautiful memories. I consider that a lucky problem to have. I spared them all the stories. They know them. 

I always find myself slowing down and staying in during the month of December. Yes, it's a month of celebration, but that which I most revere is right here.

weekending

even though i'm not working right now, i still look forward to the weekends.

i know it's much to do with the fact that my family is home.

i've had no trouble filling my days, but i have had a little guilt.

it feels indulgent to be spending so much time reading and writing and cooking and decorating.

but it also feels like a gift.

it's funny how i was still exhausted come friday night, which i guess makes sense since i've been getting up early and staying up late and filling all the moments in between.

we got take-out from our new favorite chinese restaurant.

it was mike's first experience and he was a big fan of the egg rolls and the level of spice.

i literally ate dinner and then crashed on the couch after finishing the last two stories in All These Wonders for book club.

the benefit of an extra early bedtime was getting up with the sun saturday morning.

i had time for a walk before book club.

first body and then mind.

it was our second meeting and i thought just as meaningful as the first.

everyone liked the book i selected and picked different stories that deeply resonated with them.

i'm afraid i picked the next book as well.

it will be one of my new year's resolutions to quiet my inner english major and be less bossy at book club.

jess took lily out for an evening of shopping and dinner.

mike and i went to a badger party with old friends and met some new friends.

unfortunately the team lost, but i count connecting with friends a win.

teddy spent the weekend working out, eating out, and hanging out with friends.

i really didn't feel like going to church sunday morning, and although i was up, i was too lazy to make it to our normal 9 o' clock mass.

i got lily to sunday school and then headed over to the public market for some caffeine.

i treated myself to what is known as a my buddy.

it's a delicious almond/vanilla cappuccino.

the market was festive and slammed.

before i left the house, i peaked in on ted to let him know that i expected to see him at 11:30 mass.

i didn't have high hopes because i knew he went back to sleep in his cozy cave.

lily and i agreed it was a balcony day and lo and behold teddy snuck in beside us before the presentation hymn was over.

it was a beautiful first mass of advent.

i so enjoyed the choir and especially their rendition of o come o come emmanuel.

it's my seasonal favorite.

ted declined my offer to buy lunch.

he had places to go and people to see.

lily was game so she and i went out and had ok food, but a fine time.

later in the afternoon we went to the mall to do a little christmas shopping.

we were home in time to help with sunday dinner.

mike prepared his first brisket and it was delicious.

it was a good and full weekend from beginning...

to end...

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Peanut and Tigger on tree watch. 

They were sleeping peacefully and, therefore, had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that the tree was lying on the floor the next morning. 

The tree wasn't decorated yet, so there were no casualties. They're like little kids. They get so excited with all the decorations.

Their new favorite sunning spot. I'm most grateful that there are no ornaments on this tree yet. 

Alexa has not been listening to me lately, and then the other day she switched from the Christmas station I commanded to some random station. It's as if she has a mind of her own and can also read my mind. It was a trip down memory lane with tunes by Boz Scaggs, Sade, The Little River Band. Every song reminded me of someone.

She's getting more comfortable on the court.

Team huddles.

Teddy is finally driving the Saab. He's mastered stick to the point we feel comfortable with him taking the car on his own.

Next week's weather is predicted to be more seasonal. This is the one brief snowfall we had a couple weeks ago. It was so pretty.

These two bathing beauts.

A boy, his cat and his camera.

Parade watching company.

 Holiday lights and moonlit nights.

Excavating mice (stuffed) and balls (hair and bouncy).

My Dad's turkey and my step-mom's cranberry bread.

A hike in the middle of the day in the middle of the week with Jess. It was good for my mind, body and spirit.

Happy hour at Candace's studio. She finished my portrait and I was blown away by her talent and also the sweet little symbol she incorporated in the work.

A December bucket list.

A This is Us marathon. I was behind several episodes so I enjoyed a good cry fest this morning.

Now I'm off to take a walk on this glorious 50 degree day.

Simple

This morning I strongly resisted the snooze button knowing I wanted to make banana bread muffins for the kids' breakfast. They like them best hot out of the oven. I like to please them and also to send them on their way with a warm and healthy start to the day. It's the little things that bring me big joy.

I know I can sound like a broken record, but that's because I am. We're all a little bit damaged. I need to remind myself over and over again to notice things, to be present, to find the extraordinary in the ordinary. I resist what I know to be true, I stray from what I know works and then I find my way back again to that place of awareness and then acceptance.

Last night I was witness to a sky that presented itself as a beautiful prayer. The sun was just about to slip beyond the horizon and before it did, all the beauty of the day was written across the twilight expanse. I couldn't decipher it. I could only feel it. It was a reminder that life is so much larger than our trials and tribulations. It's another simple truth of which I need constant reminding.

I was late to Lily's basketball game. Late as in the game was over. She came out of the locker room all smiles because she played for twice as long as she usually does. I felt like a heel and I apologized for spending too much time browsing for Christmas decorations and then staring at the sky. She was quick to tell me not to worry and to assure me that I don't need to be at every single game...that no parents are. She gave me permission to be imperfect. It's funny how I never expect perfection in anyone except myself. I've stopped reminding myself not to let perfect ruin good. Good is good. Enough is enough. Good enough is good enough.

Before starting dinner last night, I sat down for a few minutes and got lost in Wild. Now, I both read the book and I saw the movie so the chances that I would watch it again were slim to none, but I got sucked in. I know the story well, but I'd forgotten the messages. Forgive yourself. Heal. Do the hard work. Begin again. Choose Happiness. The tough stuff makes us soft. I needed to hear every one of those missives. It's that simple.

November 27th

We put up the trees over the weekend. No ornaments yet. I was thinking of decorating my Mom's tree today, but it's going to be pushing 60 again. I question how people get into the Christmas spirit in the south. I've got Christmas carols playing, yet I'm still not feeling it. The frasier fir in our living room actually smells like pine this year, but if you open the door, it smells like spring. The air is fresh with just-mown grass and heavy with the faint-iron smell of petrichor. This morning I saw a story on the news that warned of branches filled with bugs. Against my better bug-phobic judgement, I waited for the segment to air wondering what horrible species has infected our fresh-cut Christmas trees this year. The riveting discovery folks....spiders. Yep, spiders. If you keep your tree in the basement, the attic or the garage...you will likely have the same holiday guests. It was obviously a light news day.

The other news today is...it's Cyber Monday. I ignored Black Friday. I'm not much in the mood for Cyber Monday either. I know I sound scroogy, but I'm not. I love giving gifts and getting a good deal I just don't appreciate the media propaganda campaign. It's a struggle for me every year to flip the switch from content and grateful to gluttonous for more more more. Tell me I'm not alone...that you see the irony too. Can we not just have the month of November to be thankful for what we have?

Just so you know...I'm not judging you if you still have pumpkins and mums on your porch. Last night my husband cut the lawn and tonight we'll bbq our chicken on the grill. It is what it is and what it is is still November and more like almost spring than almost winter.

weekending

i hope the weekend left everyone full of turkey and thanks.

i was a little off.

i'm still not feeling quite right.

my physical symptoms have manifested as emotional ailments.

the mind and body are connected as we know.

i was able to rally on thanksgiving day, and it was a good one.

spending the day with family was a blessing.

friday i spent all day in bed despite the fact that it was 65 balmy degrees.

mike turned off the heat and opened the windows and tackled many seasonal projects.

i was confused because all the hype was for the holidays, yet it felt more like we should be anticipating july 4th not december 25th.

teddy snuck in another day of golf.

lily went shopping with a friend.

i was also able to rally saturday.

we finally celebrated november birthdays in the wags family and another badger victory.

we hosted the in laws and then hunkered down for a double feature when they left.

today i ignored my queasy stomach and my dull headache so i could finally get some things done around the house.

it was another 60 degree day.

lily went shopping again.

surprise.

teddy watched football and read all day long.

no golf was a surprise.

i was finally able to eat some turkey for dinner.

the kids are over leftovers and begged for frozen pizzas.

the guys are watching the packers and lily's started lost and truthfully, that's kind of the way i'm feeling.

i'm looking forward to a good night's sleep and a brand new day.

a picture of my turkeys...

and some scenes from the weekend...

   

Thankful

Before getting out of bed this morning, I took time to say a few prayers. A lot more than a few. It occurred to me in that in between place of sleep and waking that most everyone I know is going through something tough. I've been ruminating on my own trials, but the reality is that so few are untouched, and if they are, probably not for long. Certainly not forever. This sounds pessimistic, but I assure you it's just realistic. Life is hard.

Life is also beautiful especially when we can give support and accept it. I usually don't pray before getting out of bed. I think that's a mistake. I felt such peace this morning. Of course I did. I asked for help and I accepted it. What an empowering lesson.

Today is a tricky day for me. This was my Mom's favorite holiday and so I see her in all the traditions we celebrate. I want to feel her too though. As the day unfolds and the festivities commence, I lose her, and that's why I like to get up and watch the Thanksgiving Day Parade. She watched it religiously every year. She'd likely already been up for hours prepping the turkey and making the stuffing, which I sure regret never doing with her because she took the recipe to her grave. It was a family favorite, yet to be replicated. I've looked through her recipe box time and time again. There are 20 recipes for chop suey, which she never made, and 20 recipes for a goulash we never ate, but not a single stuffing recipe.

Now, my Dad makes good stuffing too, and he even makes it two ways: with and without giblets. He's learned that no one prefers the chopped up organs in the stuffing except for him. I imagine he likes it this way because that's the way his mom made it. My Grandma lived through the depression. Wasting food was never an option and always a sin. We're all missing loved ones lost, paying tribute to them and keeping their memories alive. Food is memories folks.

But I digress. I always feel like the parade is my time with my Mom even though I didn't sit down and watch it with her often when she was here. There were many years I'd just gone to bed. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving was a big night out for kids. But I remember hearing the bands and smelling the feast being prepared and feeling so happy and safe and warm as I drifted in and out. It's that feeling that everything is right in the world, and it's temporary.

This morning the sun was lighting up the eastern sky in such a showy way, but by the time I juiced my lemon and started my coffee, cloud cover took over. That's the way I like it. Thanksgiving should be brisk and broody. So many people complain about the shorter days and the falling temperatures this time of year, but not me. I welcome the exterior darkness and the chill in the air. It invites introspection and ignites my inner fire. And it's temporary.

Today I'll take a walk with my husband. We've been running or walking on this day since we've been together. It's a tradition. Then we'll make our way to my Dad's for family time, football and feasting. We eat the same meal, give the same toasts, take a family picture in the same spot year after year and there is comfort in that. There is also much to be thankful for despite the bumps in the road we all endure. The road is life and it's not easy, but it sure is beautiful, and for that, this, them I am always grateful.