On Noticing and a New Year

Last night after dinner, Lily and I took a walk.  The sky was lit by the crescent moon and the air felt and smelled suspiciously of what is to come.  The truth is we're always on the cusp of something.  Every day is filled with beginnings and endings many of which we simply fail to notice.  I didn't want last night to end.  It was the end of my 45th year, and I wanted to give it some long overdue attention.  I needed to notice.  I'm an anticipation junkie, so for me all of the poignancy is in the build up. Knowing that I would wake to the beginning of a new year made everything brighter.  Not rose colored or golden, but rather clear and raw and sharp.  Luminous, penetrating and keen. It is at this point of simultaneously looking behind and ahead that I am best able to see clearly what is so often invisible to my lazy eye, or that which often goes unnoticed.

As we walked, we talked. Some of our topics were frivolous fillers, and others were thoughtful and weighty. Then for the last few blocks I suggested we stroll in silence.  That's a formidable challenge for an eleven year old so soon she decided she would sprint home as I took my time not hurrying a thing.  I watched her run away from me up the street thinking that time waits for no one.  I get another year older, summer sneaks into fall, another school year looms large - high school for my oldest this year - and I pledge to notice all of it.  Amen.

2 day pass

i enjoyed pockets of downtime this weekend.

it was deliberate and necessary.

also restorative.

believe it or not i watched plenty of little league on espn.

ted behaved like a typical teenager -

he was home long enough to sleep and eat.

and then only some of the time.

he's at that stage in his life where friends are paramount.

lily carried on like a typical tween -

she spent time (lots) choosing just the right notebooks and folders,

she attended a fast pitch camp and a birthday party.

when she came home from her celebration saturday eve, we declared a pizza and movie night.

homerun and big eyes on the menu.

the boys attended the brewer's game that night, and were honored on the field for their efforts.

sunday we were up what felt like before the rooster crows for our annual visit to the state fair.

we started this tradition with lily and e. several years ago.

lily's been looking forward to it all summer.

so even though the temps were to hit 90 and it was also irish fest weekend,

a tradition is a tradition...a promise a promise.

we headed to the fair lathered in sunscreen, and drank lots of lemonade and water while we were there.

this year the girls were all about the rides.

genesis was their favorite.

the wrist bands were a definite value.

they also loved the gooey cheese curds and crusty corn dogs.

and they shared a turkey leg on our way to the car.

(this fact is why i think these are the best girls ever!)

we were wilted after 7 1/2 hours of tropical temps, but the girls were not ready for the day to end.

they came home to try out their awesome new bubble wands.

(they better be awesome at $22 a crack!)

what can i say?

the expo center was air conditioned and we were a captive audience.

i did not, however, pop for the $200 flat iron that transformed lily's nest into silky locks.

this weekend was about permission and submission.

i flat out refused to feel guilty about relaxing.

i refused to ruminate on the 101 other things i could or should be doing.

i submitted to what i needed in the moment, the hour, the day.

i also refused to feel weary over missing my favorite mass of the year.

in the past, i probably would've planned on attending mass at irish fest in the morning,

and then state fair in the afternoon.

i'm not saying i would have pulled it off, but i would've tried.

and then i would have felt like a failure, a wimp, or a cop out when i didn't make it.

in the past, i would've set myself up for failure.

instead i went into the day realistically, and gave myself permission to take a year off.
i missed it, but it didn't bring me down.

i made a decision and i felt good about it.
i owned it.

and that got me thinking about rituals and traditions and how they not only enrich our lives, but they also encroach upon our happiness at times.

they can make us feel obligated and bound and beholden.

with them come so many expectations.

expectations are tricky.

i had expectations for the fair too.

this is what we do and see and eat at the fair.

only we strayed from some of the usuals.

at first, i felt myself trying to force the image i had of what a day at the fair looks and tastes like.

and then i submitted to let it be.

to go with the flow.

to be.here.now.

here now at the state fair on this very day in august.
not to compare it to any other real or romanticized experience.

and heat aside, it was an awesome, authentic day.

August Inventory

Reading I brought The Vacationers on vacation with me, and found it to be trite, dull and a waste of time frankly.  With a title like that, I didn't expect or want anything broody or deep, but this wasn't even entertaining.  I also finished The Husband's Secret while on vacation.  It came closer to meeting my expectations even while I have to say that the epilogue was the most provocative few pages of the book and perhaps, because then it was over. Last week I read The Unfortunates and for the most part liked it, but I really felt it was front-end loaded: the climax was abrupt and unsatisfying.  The characters were characters though and the writing smart.  Now I'm into Sally Mann's Hold Still and Messud's The Woman Upstairs.  It's too early to tell what I think of these works, but I've been looking forward to them for a long time.

Wondering where we will go next even while I am absolutely content to stay put for now.  Teddy is lobbying for Webb Lake next year.  He's not a fan of long car rides, but he is a fan of family and vacations and adventure and, therefore, family vacation adventures.  Webb Lake will be perfect.

We've put on close to 4000 miles in the past 2 weeks.

Noticing that the world we live in never ever ceases to awe and amaze me.  Yellowstone's landscape sits atop an active volcanic hot spot that is both predictable and improbable at once. Old Faithful erupts every 91 minutes, but the Mammoth Hot Springs are encroaching on nearby roads and new geothermal features appear over night.  I forgot to breathe every once in awhile when my nerves kicked in, but I kept my eyes open afraid not only off the dangers lurking, but to miss a single sight.

Two elk grazing at Mammoth Hot Springs.

Watching the flat Minnesota landscape evolve into the lush North Dakota countryside decorated with hay bales and happy cows, and then the buttes on the edges on Montana morphing into ranges the valleys and canyons filled with livestock and a random antelope here or there.  We have been off the grid for the better part of two weeks. One day while the rest of my family slept in past 6 a.m. on a Montana morning, I tried to get some news on the television and couldn't.  I resigned myself to sit outside watching the elk across the river realizing that I wasn't missing anything at all.  It was strange and also satisfying to be disconnected from the rest of the world under the grand splendor of Big Sky Country.

Definitely big sky.

Listening one week to the elk in the field across the river bugle into the gloaming, and the next to every pronunciation possible of my kid's name as one announcer after another manned the microphone at the ball field.  One sound filled with such primal longing even to my human ears, and the other booming with as much pride and tradition and excitement as the first time I ever heard it.

Moon over the Absaroka Range after a storybook day.

"#3 Tedd-E Wig-E-haufT!"

Eating not much, but not particularly well either.  On the go.  Both times we returned from traveling we craved veggies and pasta.

One of the only meals we cooked in Montana served on a pretty plate.  Our cabin was filled with beautiful things.

Drinking Layer Cake, which is a rich Malbec, but then one night we actually partook in a giant jug of Robert Mondavi chianti so maybe the answer is whatever was served.

Wanting another month of summer. It's literally disappearing right before my eyes.  I can only imagine what my kids feel.

Wearing bug spray and sunscreen, and later Benadryl and Aloe.  Hats and sunglasses.  Whatever is clean, or relatively so.

Hoping to make the most of our last couple weeks of being mostly footloose and fancy free.  I have lots of time off so I hope to fit in a few fun things that baseball and travelling kept us from, but also realizing that we may not have made it to Lake Michigan or Lenwood Lake yet, but we swam in the Boiling River and the Gardner River and also the Don Hall Guest House's pool!

 Boiling River: swim at your own risk.  Hazards include: strong currents, scalding water, freezing water, sharp rocks, thirsty elk and stupid selfie taking tourists.

The Gardner River where the locals and their dogs swim.  It was our favorite too.

Thinking that we don't have to travel far to experience amazing things.  I often dream of going to faraway places like Spain and Ireland and Australia, but then I pinch myself because I have yet to see so much splendor that is only a car ride away.

On the road.

Enjoying the simple creature comforts of home: the constant company of the cats who no doubt fear we'll abandon them again, sleeping in my own bed, salads with homemade dressing and the ability to prepare healthy meals in my kitchen, my linens and bath products, even a schedule.

What's for dinner? Broccoli with a side of spinach.

Loving the ease with which we came and went the past couple weeks, embracing an air of spontaneity, a family adventure or two, our hosts Jon and El and also Jack, Sage and River, that my Dad came to Indy and we had such fun hanging out together for a couple days, that my daughter is watching little league on television right now and I just heard her say, "Another homerun! All those runs were earned!" and most of all that a beautiful bluebird caught my attention as I was expressing my gratitude to the Paradise Valley the last moments before our trek home.  My Mom is somehow connected to the birds.  I know this because I feel it.  I feel it deep and absolute. I'd only seen two bald eagles, a lone trumpeter swan and an empty osprey's nest in all our time in the area so the timing struck me as more than Mother Nature.  I started to cry because I was reminded how thin the veil is between life and death...between the living and the dead.  They weren't sad tears, but rather tears of joy and affirmation.  The universe was talking...singing...and I was not only listening, I was lifted, hugged, reassured.  I had a similar feeling the night I know there were angels visiting my Mom as she clung to life on earth.  She was not alone. I was not alone.

 I'm never alone.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Being home sweet home.  We lived in this cozy, comfy Montana cabin one week.

And then this cozy (cozy in an entirely different way) and not too comfy Indiana hotel room the better part of the next.

Birthdays. Before we left on our road trip, we celebrated my father in law's 75th and Lily's 11th at the hibachi grill.

Lily Kates then.

And now.  Still just as sweet, but she has more teeth.

Our birthday girl has been the best sister and loyal fan ever.  She didn't mind at all that her "big" celebration had to be put on hold for her brother's regional baseball tournament.  Aunt Jess made her feel extra special by taking her out to lunch that day and every time the phone rang on her birthday it was for her.  Her new and first i phone surprised and delighted her. 

Oh yea...and the fact that we were at regionals means that GLL team won state. 

It couldn't have happened to a nicer group of boys...

Both big.

And used to be bigger.

The night the team won state we drove overnight for 18 hours all the way to Montana.  The drive was a character building experience.  The trip was a family building adventure.

About this trip there are hundreds of photos on 5 cameras most of which are unedited at present. This one almost sums up the majestic beauty that is YNP.  It's called The Grand Canyon of Yellowstone, and grand it is.

Sorry, it isn't possible to share just one.

There are also many stories, moments and memories that I will find the time to share soon.

A story.

A moment.

A memory.

And now we are home sleeping in our own beds beside our own pets after a whirlwind two weeks...

Because the boys...

played hard and well:

  the last game against the host, Teddy pitched a complete game and 13 strikeouts getting everyone's attention,

but they missed advancing by some crazy statistic, and yet we're still celebrating one of the finest runs in GLL history and a team complete with first rate players, coaches and fans.

Now we get to go to the Brewer game Saturday night to be recognized instead of Taylor, Michigan to compete at the Little League Juniors World Series.  Traveling with the team and the family was a blast, but it's good to have a little down time (as if) before you know what starts!

More Baseball

They won 4-0, and Ted pitched a complete game.  He was so in control, confident and calm.

I used to be a bundle of nerves when he was on the mound.  There is so much pressure on the pitcher, but T. Bone can handle it.  That's just what he did last night and I was so proud of him and his team.

Tonight they meet Burlington for the third time.  They lost the first 4-5, and won the second 4-0.  If they win tonight, you're looking at the state champs, and the season will carry on.  If they lose, it won't be for lack of effort or heart or soul.  Either way, it will be a run we will never forget!

Where I've Been The Last Week...

At one ball field or another...

These montages just about sum up how exciting it's been for a team of awesome athletes and friends, their dedicated coaches and their loyal fans.

Journey to State

 State Tournament 2015

They have another game tonight.  If they win, they play again tomorrow for the state championship.  If they lose, we get on with everyday life.  So I'm declaring it a win win, but of course, we all want to win.