My almost 5 year old just declared through her tears, "This has been a long and really rough day." I would revise her statement only to say, "Long and really rough days!" And it's only 3:00 on Wednesday.
Hopefully it's nothing a little arts and craft therapy and a dose of mint chip ice cream in a cone can't cure! (For both of us.)
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Praying for Peanut
I just woke up a few minutes ago (7:40) and knew it was morning only because after 10 hours of sleep last night, I was ready to get out of bed. You gotta love room darkening shades that really leave you questioning whether it's day or night, cloudy or sunny. Usually when I rouse I think about my night's dreams. I do this because I think their tone and content is helpful with illuminating where my subconscious is at.
I had crazy dreams last night about missiles going off simultaneously all over the world. Some so close that I could see them fly over head and watch the fires they ignited burn and burn in my neighbor's back yards. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was safe at home despite the Armageddon going on all around me, and my home was filled with my family and my friends. There was a map of the United States painted on my garage door and random people were stopping as they fled to chart their courses.
What does this mean? It means that I have a great deal of anxiety (missiles) about our road trip (map) this weekend. I always get nervous to leave my home for any length of time, and more so now that I have to worry about my boys (my cats who really are more like my boys or at the very least more like dogs). It doesn't help matters at all that we are having, hopefully, a little health problem with one of them. This is another post entirely stored safely in the vault until I can really embrace the humor of the past couple days, but let me just share that I did give my cat a bath, or more like wrestled him in the laundry tub...baby shampoo and all...yesterday after he was so scared that he peed in his carrier on the way home from the vet. I don't know why I didn't think to take a picture of him in his soaked state.
I like to think we are still going, but I have yet to arrange for any one to come and care for my cats, which leads me to believe I know that it is not the most prudent decision. I really wish I could call my Mom right now because she would know what I should do. I was looking forward to this trip and I am not looking forward to telling my relatives that we cannot come because we have a sick cat. They don't even like cats so there's no way they will understand. Heck...they may not even believe me since we have been promising to make this trip for years and something always comes up. That's life! Life's a magazine...
One day at a time. I may have to take Peanut (no pun intended) back to the vet today. Oh Joy! If that is the case, my hubby is so coming home to help me otherwise the cat won't be the only one going on Prozac. The vet actually threw that out there as an option before even taking a blood sample from a cat with a fever. I am very thankful she's on vacation today so we can consult with someone more resourceful and knowledgeable. She spent more time talking about the fact that my cat needed to lose 2 pounds than the reason I brought him in, and then she charged me $89.
I'm trying to remind myself that these are small problems in the grand scheme of things...bumps in the road called life, but I cannot shake the feeling that I have hit one too many pot holes lately and I am yearning for some smooth sailing. It was only last night (and practically every night in the past week) that I fell asleep in the middle of praying for people, many of whom I don't even know, who need divine intervention more urgently than I. There is so much death and dying, so much cancer. There are so many young people with cancer. I pray for Stellan (http://www.mycharmingkids.net/) and for Kate (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate) and for many others. So many others that I cannot keep my eyes open to get through all of the prayer requests I feel compelled to make. I feel ridiculous for praying that my Peanut gets well. In the words of David Sheff...
I had crazy dreams last night about missiles going off simultaneously all over the world. Some so close that I could see them fly over head and watch the fires they ignited burn and burn in my neighbor's back yards. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was safe at home despite the Armageddon going on all around me, and my home was filled with my family and my friends. There was a map of the United States painted on my garage door and random people were stopping as they fled to chart their courses.
What does this mean? It means that I have a great deal of anxiety (missiles) about our road trip (map) this weekend. I always get nervous to leave my home for any length of time, and more so now that I have to worry about my boys (my cats who really are more like my boys or at the very least more like dogs). It doesn't help matters at all that we are having, hopefully, a little health problem with one of them. This is another post entirely stored safely in the vault until I can really embrace the humor of the past couple days, but let me just share that I did give my cat a bath, or more like wrestled him in the laundry tub...baby shampoo and all...yesterday after he was so scared that he peed in his carrier on the way home from the vet. I don't know why I didn't think to take a picture of him in his soaked state.
I like to think we are still going, but I have yet to arrange for any one to come and care for my cats, which leads me to believe I know that it is not the most prudent decision. I really wish I could call my Mom right now because she would know what I should do. I was looking forward to this trip and I am not looking forward to telling my relatives that we cannot come because we have a sick cat. They don't even like cats so there's no way they will understand. Heck...they may not even believe me since we have been promising to make this trip for years and something always comes up. That's life! Life's a magazine...
One day at a time. I may have to take Peanut (no pun intended) back to the vet today. Oh Joy! If that is the case, my hubby is so coming home to help me otherwise the cat won't be the only one going on Prozac. The vet actually threw that out there as an option before even taking a blood sample from a cat with a fever. I am very thankful she's on vacation today so we can consult with someone more resourceful and knowledgeable. She spent more time talking about the fact that my cat needed to lose 2 pounds than the reason I brought him in, and then she charged me $89.
I'm trying to remind myself that these are small problems in the grand scheme of things...bumps in the road called life, but I cannot shake the feeling that I have hit one too many pot holes lately and I am yearning for some smooth sailing. It was only last night (and practically every night in the past week) that I fell asleep in the middle of praying for people, many of whom I don't even know, who need divine intervention more urgently than I. There is so much death and dying, so much cancer. There are so many young people with cancer. I pray for Stellan (http://www.mycharmingkids.net/) and for Kate (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate) and for many others. So many others that I cannot keep my eyes open to get through all of the prayer requests I feel compelled to make. I feel ridiculous for praying that my Peanut gets well. In the words of David Sheff...
I pray even as the news in the papers makes my prayer seem insignificant in scale and wholly selfish. There is a devastating hurricane and flooding and suicide bombers and crashes and tsunamis and terrorism and cancer and war - endless and brutal war - disease and famine and earthquakes and everywhere there is addiction, and today the heavens must be overwhelmed with the noise of all the prayers.
Here is one more.
Please God heal Peanut and give me the strength to make it through just one more day. The strength to make it just one day at a time.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Scary Sisters
I have been missing my Mom this week more than usual. I find myself in utter disbelief that she is gone many times a day. It is the unfathomable reality that I just cannot wrap my mind around these lazy days of summer. It's like a tasteless joke, a bad dream or someone else's unfortunate loss. Only it's not.
When I'm trying to make sense of it all, I have to literally stop my thoughts and distract myself so that I have the strength to hold it together and go on with my day, my week, my month. It is almost a year since she passed and I think some of the milestones upon me are taking my grief to a whole different place. Does it make any sense when I say that I am coming upon the last of the firsts? It soon will be the one year anniversary of our last family vacation. My daughter will be turning 5 without her Nanny to spoil her sweet. I'll be celebrating 40 without my best friend. My Mom will never turn 61.
After September 28th, it will be a whole year without my Mom and we will be experiencing everything without her for the second year. I feel it the way that animals sense a storm before the skies change that the second year has potential to be even more difficult than the first. As if that is even possible! The truth is that I have been in survival mode. Now that the shock has worn off and I am trying to be more present, I realize what that means.
Today I am finally able to put words to what has been brewing beneath my surface. I think it has everything to do with the company I kept last night. The friends I enjoyed the beautiful summer evening with are all women I know I am lucky to have in my life. They cried and laughed with my Mom. Now they laugh and cry with me. I'm thankful for each and every one of them and I love spending time with them, but sometimes when we are all together I miss my Mom something fierce. Rose was right, "She should be with us."
So who are we? a multi-generational group of larger than life women. Kathy's Gals includes two of my Mom's childhood friends, four women we worked with, my sister-in-law to be and my childhood friend. Most of these relationships span decades. I have yet to hear the origin of the moniker, but I know that my Mom asked each of them at some point and time during her final days to take care of me and my brother, and it's a promise that they take very seriously. Seriously...we should all be so fortunate to have sisterhoods of guardian angels holding our hands here on earth. These ladies give the Ya Yas a run for their money, and the book I some day write about them may make me lots of it...money, that is!
When I'm trying to make sense of it all, I have to literally stop my thoughts and distract myself so that I have the strength to hold it together and go on with my day, my week, my month. It is almost a year since she passed and I think some of the milestones upon me are taking my grief to a whole different place. Does it make any sense when I say that I am coming upon the last of the firsts? It soon will be the one year anniversary of our last family vacation. My daughter will be turning 5 without her Nanny to spoil her sweet. I'll be celebrating 40 without my best friend. My Mom will never turn 61.
After September 28th, it will be a whole year without my Mom and we will be experiencing everything without her for the second year. I feel it the way that animals sense a storm before the skies change that the second year has potential to be even more difficult than the first. As if that is even possible! The truth is that I have been in survival mode. Now that the shock has worn off and I am trying to be more present, I realize what that means.
Today I am finally able to put words to what has been brewing beneath my surface. I think it has everything to do with the company I kept last night. The friends I enjoyed the beautiful summer evening with are all women I know I am lucky to have in my life. They cried and laughed with my Mom. Now they laugh and cry with me. I'm thankful for each and every one of them and I love spending time with them, but sometimes when we are all together I miss my Mom something fierce. Rose was right, "She should be with us."
So who are we? a multi-generational group of larger than life women. Kathy's Gals includes two of my Mom's childhood friends, four women we worked with, my sister-in-law to be and my childhood friend. Most of these relationships span decades. I have yet to hear the origin of the moniker, but I know that my Mom asked each of them at some point and time during her final days to take care of me and my brother, and it's a promise that they take very seriously. Seriously...we should all be so fortunate to have sisterhoods of guardian angels holding our hands here on earth. These ladies give the Ya Yas a run for their money, and the book I some day write about them may make me lots of it...money, that is!
Grateful Friday
Things both big and small for which I am thankful today…
- Friends. We gathered poolside last night to remember how and why we are all kindred spirits…my Mom. I am still laughing today at some of the antics and feeling truly blessed to me one of “Kathy’s Gals.” Although we were all enjoying white wine, the hostess poured a single glass of red in honor of my Mom. At the end of the night, we all took a sip from the glass in honor of the communion of friendship and its everlasting life.
- Fresh tomatoes from our very own yard. They are especially tasty in the sauce I made this week and then tossed with pasta, fresh basil and fresh mozzarella. When I was making the dish, my friend said my kitchen smelled as good as any fine Italian restaurant.
- I am going to be a mini-van driving Mama in a mere hours. Yes, we took the plunge and will be proud owners of our new family room on wheels, and I’m trying to convince myself that I’m still cool because it has a sunroof!
- Road trips. We’ll embark on our first real, as in measurable, road trip next week in our new van. We’re Michigan bound to visit family, the Coast Guard Festival, and Hanna Andersson.
- Rumor has it that Reid is returning to The Bachelor next week. I think he’d get my vote, if I had one that is.
- Willy Porter rocked last weekend. After the encore, I got a hug (or more like I took a hug).
- Playdates. My daughter had 3 friends over to play Wednesday afternoon. The girls played perfectly happily together. I did not once have to intervene. They had so much fun that they all hid when their moms came to pick them up…no one wanted to leave. T Bone’s life is one never-ending playdate, and Miss Bit is often envious of this fact. He seriously came home from a friend’s Wednesday, walked through the front door, straight out the back door and to the neighbor’s. Because she’s only 4, she doesn’t have the same freedom. She had a friend over all afternoon Tuesday too. We were taking T Bone to a friend’s house and the girls were singing away in the car. As I walked him to the door, he said, “Geez I sure am glad I’m going to C’s house. Mom, you’re probably glad you get to get out of the car for a minute!”
- A date with my husband last weekend. We were tired after a grueling afternoon of wheeling and dealing for our new car (I am also thankful for my husband's ability to wheel and deal), but we were childless and knew we had to get our third winds. We tried out a new restaurant and enjoyed a leisurely dinner just the two of us just like old times.
- Time. Taking time this week to watch a movie in the middle of the day (http://www.amazon.com/Unfaithful-Full-Screen-Richard-Gere/dp/B00006RCO0/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1248459514&sr=8-1), read a few pages here (http://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-Boy-Fathers-Journey-Addiction/dp/B001VEHZYS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248459578&sr=1-1) and there (http://www.amazon.com/Moon-Twilight-Saga-Stephenie-Meyer/dp/0316075639/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248459625&sr=1-1),and,and work on my photo albums. I’ve been staying off the computer (it's been a whole week) and trying to focus on other interests.
- I think there is a little surprise planned for my upcoming 40th birthday. I am not going to deny the fact that I like surprises. I like them so much that 10 years ago when I found the invitation to my surprise 30th birthday bash, I put it back in the envelope without reading any of the details. I was pleasantly shocked the night of the party. I also love celebrations, especially those in my honor. I am looking forward to the dawning of a new decade. 38 was the hardest year of my life and 39 the saddest...I am of the mind set that it can really only get better from here.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Friday Ramblings
In the last week or so, I have become a night owl. I am not normally one to burn the midnight oil and I'm almost never the last one up, yet this has been the case most of the last 7 nights. So why am I up early this morning you wonder? Aren't I tired? Don't I have the beautiful (beautiful for sleeping - 65 degrees and cloudy) day off? Shouldn't I be catching up on my zzzzz's? Yes, yes and yes!
Actually, last night was the best sleep I had in many nights. I have spent many an hour tossing and turning this week. I suspect my sleeplessness has everything to do with the one single episode of The Doctors, a show I swore I would never watch ever, and then broke said promise for like 15 minutes one day. That's all it takes people! It was out of desperation...I had no choice. Thanks to the federal government's switch to HD, CBS is the only channel to tune in on my kitchen's ancient television. (If someone somewhere can explain what the benefit of prompting hoards of people to either dispose of perfectly good, yet enormously toxic and non-recyclable televisions or force them to pay hoards of money to a cable company please educate me.) In any event, this particular show featured a woman with a rare disease (psychosis?) that made her feel like she was being bitten by bugs (not bed bugs either) in the middle of the night (especially between the hours of 1 and 3 a.m.). Of course, I am now convinced that I have this obscure disease...an ailment I cannot even pronounce...and of course, I am wide awake every night from 1 to 3:00 a.m. Hello, my name is Evie and I am a hypochondriac. I am not, however, psychotic, but I do think this is all a govern*ment conspir*acy.
So, I was up and adam this morning to help my hubby get the kids off to camp. He's a little out of practice with the morning routine around here. Don't worry...I already gently reminded him how awesome I am and how lucky he is, and how he can repay me with tickets to see U2 for my upcoming 40th birthday. Hi Love...if you are reading this...they are coming to Chicago August 13th. I'm trying to muster up the courage to hit the gym this morning. I'm a little scared to face my cardio instructor, M., just hours after she caught me with a large Rocky Rococo's pizza. She had a smirk on her face as we said our 'hellos'. I am sure she was thinking that it's the last thing I should be eating at 9:00 at night. It's a good thing she didn't know it was loaded with both sausage and pepperoni or that I washed it down with a large glass of wine. Some of you know just the glasses of which I am speaking. Explains why I slept like a baby last night.
Why was I feeding my family dinner at 9:00 last night? Aren't I the caring kind of mom who forgoes sleep to take care of the children? Don't I know that it's bad to eat right before bed? Don't I know that there are nitrates in sausage and pepperoni and they are linked to cancer? Yes, yes and yes. But...last night was the All Star game, and although T Bone's team didn't prevail, we were celebrating the official end of a season well played. He has been talking about Rocky's for weeks and let me tell you...I have never heard him so quiet as when he was devouring those greasy slices. It was worth the risk of obesity, heart disease and high cholesterol to have a few moments of silence. Anyways, he's going to my Dad's for a couple days. My Dad regularly makes my daughter a whole bag of chicken nuggets for breakfast because that's what she wants. What I'm trying to say is that I'm fighting a losing battle for this weekend at the very least. Am I admitting that there aren't many rules at Grandma and Grandpa's? Am I actually ok with that? Will I really turn the other cheek just to get free babysitting for a couple days? Yes, yes and yes!
Actually, last night was the best sleep I had in many nights. I have spent many an hour tossing and turning this week. I suspect my sleeplessness has everything to do with the one single episode of The Doctors, a show I swore I would never watch ever, and then broke said promise for like 15 minutes one day. That's all it takes people! It was out of desperation...I had no choice. Thanks to the federal government's switch to HD, CBS is the only channel to tune in on my kitchen's ancient television. (If someone somewhere can explain what the benefit of prompting hoards of people to either dispose of perfectly good, yet enormously toxic and non-recyclable televisions or force them to pay hoards of money to a cable company please educate me.) In any event, this particular show featured a woman with a rare disease (psychosis?) that made her feel like she was being bitten by bugs (not bed bugs either) in the middle of the night (especially between the hours of 1 and 3 a.m.). Of course, I am now convinced that I have this obscure disease...an ailment I cannot even pronounce...and of course, I am wide awake every night from 1 to 3:00 a.m. Hello, my name is Evie and I am a hypochondriac. I am not, however, psychotic, but I do think this is all a govern*ment conspir*acy.
So, I was up and adam this morning to help my hubby get the kids off to camp. He's a little out of practice with the morning routine around here. Don't worry...I already gently reminded him how awesome I am and how lucky he is, and how he can repay me with tickets to see U2 for my upcoming 40th birthday. Hi Love...if you are reading this...they are coming to Chicago August 13th. I'm trying to muster up the courage to hit the gym this morning. I'm a little scared to face my cardio instructor, M., just hours after she caught me with a large Rocky Rococo's pizza. She had a smirk on her face as we said our 'hellos'. I am sure she was thinking that it's the last thing I should be eating at 9:00 at night. It's a good thing she didn't know it was loaded with both sausage and pepperoni or that I washed it down with a large glass of wine. Some of you know just the glasses of which I am speaking. Explains why I slept like a baby last night.
Why was I feeding my family dinner at 9:00 last night? Aren't I the caring kind of mom who forgoes sleep to take care of the children? Don't I know that it's bad to eat right before bed? Don't I know that there are nitrates in sausage and pepperoni and they are linked to cancer? Yes, yes and yes. But...last night was the All Star game, and although T Bone's team didn't prevail, we were celebrating the official end of a season well played. He has been talking about Rocky's for weeks and let me tell you...I have never heard him so quiet as when he was devouring those greasy slices. It was worth the risk of obesity, heart disease and high cholesterol to have a few moments of silence. Anyways, he's going to my Dad's for a couple days. My Dad regularly makes my daughter a whole bag of chicken nuggets for breakfast because that's what she wants. What I'm trying to say is that I'm fighting a losing battle for this weekend at the very least. Am I admitting that there aren't many rules at Grandma and Grandpa's? Am I actually ok with that? Will I really turn the other cheek just to get free babysitting for a couple days? Yes, yes and yes!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Monday...Monday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sN91ggtocc
So I have had many a blog post come and go in the past couple days, but little time to share. I'm passing on MckMamma's Not Me! Monday this week because I just am not in the mood for glib today.
First things first...the Yankees lost to the Angels, which means we are baseball-free until Thursday's all star game. I am surprisingly relieved, and in no need of an intervention. T. Bone has taken it all in stride and is revealing that his athletic abilities extend beyond his physical skills to his attitude and fortitude...a leader not only in hits and home runs, but also in leadership and sportsmanship.
I actually think he was also a little relieved to have a game-free day Sunday so he could spend all day and all night with his cousins swimming in Grandma and Grandpa's pool. My hubby's brother has 4 kids - his 2 youngest are about the ages of my kids and they get along fabulously, but they live a couple hours away. I live vicariously through them as all my cousins are so much younger than I am and lived many hours away. Now that difference in age is negligible, but growing up I missed having cousins sharing the same generation and time zone.
We made ourselves at home at my in-laws Saturday, which I know they would want us to do although I'm not sure that my mother-in-law would dance and sing along to the Led Zepplin blaring through the house (she's more into pop and country than rock), or that my father-in-law would appreciate the boys (young and old) taking over his big screen with video games (he's a sport's fanatic). They are enjoying an extended trip visiting family and 4 or 5 of the 100 places to see before you die. For a new bachelor, I was most impressed by the fixings my brother-in-law fixed for shish kabobs. They were good and tasty. So yummy that we never even made it to the smores.
Sunday...I woke up to a quiet house because the rest of my family stayed at my in-laws and didn't come home until dinnertime. Having the whole day and house to myself was an out of body experience. I took care of some projects, and spent lots of time in thought. I never turned on the radio or the t.v. All day long I was shored up by the sound of the chimes in my yard singing as the day's beautiful breeze played them. I went for a run in the late afternoon and really pushed myself to the point that I am sore today. I love sore muscles. I love aching muscles. I stepped out to pick up the new album by a once local artist we will be seeing Friday. I pretty much came of age listening to Willy Porter, yet I think we're close to the same age. I am going with some of my bestest people and already looking forward to the night because I know everything about it will be good...good company, good wine, good eats, good music, good times. And Willy he's such an old soul. When I learn to play my guitar, this is one of the songs I want to perfect.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DLkwGMUEJ8&feature=related
I plopped his new cd in before I left the parking lot and it felt so comfortable like a pair of my favorite jeans...worn in and familiar. I am so one of those people who like to know the songs before I go to a concert. I take it on like a research project. When I went to see U2 the first time, I picked up their new album, Achtung Baby, just before I got on the rode in my brand new luxury Toyota Tercel to make the 90 mile trek to Mad-town the summer after I graduated. I listened to the tape (that is not a typo) for the hour and a half it took me to get there. I even got out the lyrics and was reading along as I drove, praying in between songs that I wouldn't run myself or someone else off the road. By the time I made it, I knew all the songs. Willy's music is different...it just resonates with me and I find that I feel like I already know the songs.
I digress...back to Sunday. Here's the thing...there was no one here except my cats and the fox napping in my neighbor's yard, but I didn't feel alone. I felt my Mom with me and my Grandma too. First of all it was the chimes...my Mom's chimes. But it was also her jewelry box. I was trying to wrap my mind around some difficult decisions with regard to some of her jewelry and out of the clear blue the music started playing. Now I have moved this jewelry box from her house to my house, I put pieces in and taken bobbles out many a time, but the jewelry box has never made one single solitary peep. In fact, I didn't even know it was a music box until yesterday. I almost didn't know that it was the first gift my father ever gave my mother until just before she died. How is it that she didn't tell me that in 38 years until days before she passed? It gives me goosebumps. It makes me feel robbed when I think of all the things that she never got the time to share with me. I talked not to her, but with her.
Later I was making my Grandma's coveted tuna salad for the potluck we had at work today. My Grandma was a confident cook (a caterer actually) and the kind of cook who never relied on an exact recipe. That's the kind of presence in the kitchen that I aspire to be. Over the years in kitchens beside her, I managed to take away some of her many tricks of the trade. The last time I attempted her tuna, I failed miserably though. Yesterday, she talked me through it. She reminded me that although there isn't a recipe, precision is key. The carrots must be finely shredded and then drained, substituting onions for the scallions is a "no-no," no-fat or low-fat mayo are the enemy and only Albacore tuna fits the bill. She reminded me that I have to make it in advance so that the flavors have plenty of time to "marry." Thanks to her tutelage, it was good enough that I came home with an empty bowl, much to my dismay.
It made me hope that my Mom and her erstwhile mother-in-law were in cahoots yesterday to lift me up...to be there for me enjoying their own big delicious bowl of Rosie's tuna. Before my Mom died, I told her to come to me often. To that she replied with a certainty that told me she already had information I was not privy to, "I will when I can?" I didn't exactly embrace that response, but I think I'm beginning to accept it and understand it now. I definitely know..I'll take what I can get.
So I have had many a blog post come and go in the past couple days, but little time to share. I'm passing on MckMamma's Not Me! Monday this week because I just am not in the mood for glib today.
First things first...the Yankees lost to the Angels, which means we are baseball-free until Thursday's all star game. I am surprisingly relieved, and in no need of an intervention. T. Bone has taken it all in stride and is revealing that his athletic abilities extend beyond his physical skills to his attitude and fortitude...a leader not only in hits and home runs, but also in leadership and sportsmanship.
I actually think he was also a little relieved to have a game-free day Sunday so he could spend all day and all night with his cousins swimming in Grandma and Grandpa's pool. My hubby's brother has 4 kids - his 2 youngest are about the ages of my kids and they get along fabulously, but they live a couple hours away. I live vicariously through them as all my cousins are so much younger than I am and lived many hours away. Now that difference in age is negligible, but growing up I missed having cousins sharing the same generation and time zone.
We made ourselves at home at my in-laws Saturday, which I know they would want us to do although I'm not sure that my mother-in-law would dance and sing along to the Led Zepplin blaring through the house (she's more into pop and country than rock), or that my father-in-law would appreciate the boys (young and old) taking over his big screen with video games (he's a sport's fanatic). They are enjoying an extended trip visiting family and 4 or 5 of the 100 places to see before you die. For a new bachelor, I was most impressed by the fixings my brother-in-law fixed for shish kabobs. They were good and tasty. So yummy that we never even made it to the smores.
Sunday...I woke up to a quiet house because the rest of my family stayed at my in-laws and didn't come home until dinnertime. Having the whole day and house to myself was an out of body experience. I took care of some projects, and spent lots of time in thought. I never turned on the radio or the t.v. All day long I was shored up by the sound of the chimes in my yard singing as the day's beautiful breeze played them. I went for a run in the late afternoon and really pushed myself to the point that I am sore today. I love sore muscles. I love aching muscles. I stepped out to pick up the new album by a once local artist we will be seeing Friday. I pretty much came of age listening to Willy Porter, yet I think we're close to the same age. I am going with some of my bestest people and already looking forward to the night because I know everything about it will be good...good company, good wine, good eats, good music, good times. And Willy he's such an old soul. When I learn to play my guitar, this is one of the songs I want to perfect.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DLkwGMUEJ8&feature=related
I plopped his new cd in before I left the parking lot and it felt so comfortable like a pair of my favorite jeans...worn in and familiar. I am so one of those people who like to know the songs before I go to a concert. I take it on like a research project. When I went to see U2 the first time, I picked up their new album, Achtung Baby, just before I got on the rode in my brand new luxury Toyota Tercel to make the 90 mile trek to Mad-town the summer after I graduated. I listened to the tape (that is not a typo) for the hour and a half it took me to get there. I even got out the lyrics and was reading along as I drove, praying in between songs that I wouldn't run myself or someone else off the road. By the time I made it, I knew all the songs. Willy's music is different...it just resonates with me and I find that I feel like I already know the songs.
I digress...back to Sunday. Here's the thing...there was no one here except my cats and the fox napping in my neighbor's yard, but I didn't feel alone. I felt my Mom with me and my Grandma too. First of all it was the chimes...my Mom's chimes. But it was also her jewelry box. I was trying to wrap my mind around some difficult decisions with regard to some of her jewelry and out of the clear blue the music started playing. Now I have moved this jewelry box from her house to my house, I put pieces in and taken bobbles out many a time, but the jewelry box has never made one single solitary peep. In fact, I didn't even know it was a music box until yesterday. I almost didn't know that it was the first gift my father ever gave my mother until just before she died. How is it that she didn't tell me that in 38 years until days before she passed? It gives me goosebumps. It makes me feel robbed when I think of all the things that she never got the time to share with me. I talked not to her, but with her.
Later I was making my Grandma's coveted tuna salad for the potluck we had at work today. My Grandma was a confident cook (a caterer actually) and the kind of cook who never relied on an exact recipe. That's the kind of presence in the kitchen that I aspire to be. Over the years in kitchens beside her, I managed to take away some of her many tricks of the trade. The last time I attempted her tuna, I failed miserably though. Yesterday, she talked me through it. She reminded me that although there isn't a recipe, precision is key. The carrots must be finely shredded and then drained, substituting onions for the scallions is a "no-no," no-fat or low-fat mayo are the enemy and only Albacore tuna fits the bill. She reminded me that I have to make it in advance so that the flavors have plenty of time to "marry." Thanks to her tutelage, it was good enough that I came home with an empty bowl, much to my dismay.
It made me hope that my Mom and her erstwhile mother-in-law were in cahoots yesterday to lift me up...to be there for me enjoying their own big delicious bowl of Rosie's tuna. Before my Mom died, I told her to come to me often. To that she replied with a certainty that told me she already had information I was not privy to, "I will when I can?" I didn't exactly embrace that response, but I think I'm beginning to accept it and understand it now. I definitely know..I'll take what I can get.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Good Day
I shouldn't have blogged right before bed. Do you know what I had dream after dream about? Baseball!
I'm off to our rematch against the Angels, the team we lost by a single run to Wednesday. They have beat us twice and we have beat them twice. Perhaps, it is our turn?
Either way it is a beautiful day and it should be a great game. This is the same team we paired up against in last year's playoffs to win the championship.
We'll see if our little slice of history repeats itself!
I'm off to our rematch against the Angels, the team we lost by a single run to Wednesday. They have beat us twice and we have beat them twice. Perhaps, it is our turn?
Either way it is a beautiful day and it should be a great game. This is the same team we paired up against in last year's playoffs to win the championship.
We'll see if our little slice of history repeats itself!
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