On My Mind Monday

Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they stay forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the watcher turns away in silent resignation his dreams mocked to death by time. That's the life of men. Now women forget all those things they don't want to remember and remember everything they don't want to forget. Then they act and do things accordingly.

~Zora Neale Hurston

There Eyes Were Watching God

Do we? I'm not so sure.

Fear of Forgetting

It's been forever since I've found myself here on a Saturday morning. I think my presence this morning might be prompted by the grey, rainy day. Windy too like raining sideways. I love it. It coincides with my mood. Not gloomy, but turbulent so it's best to stay close to home. It's a two cuppa morning with a good book. The kids are still sleeping and probably will be for hours so there's nothing pressing. Not that they press all that much at 13 and 17.

Teddy has prom tonight. He tried on his tux last night and I had to contain my compliments lest it get uncomfortable. He looked like ten million bucks and maybe ten years older. His date's a lucky lady. I'll meet her when we gather for pictures late afternoon. Plan B. We won't be at O'Donnell Park with the Calatrava as background because typhoon. Instead we'll grace the lobby of a dry downtown hotel before they get on a party bus and eventually arrive at the Harley Museum. I hope that he has a stellar night.

My prom was not very memorable. I wore a bubblegum pink dress...very conservative, which was the style in the 80s. It was a silky sheath with fluted cap sleeves and a satin sash around the waist. My hair was freshly permed thanks to Dean at Le Salon in the Pfister. Jack wore a tux almost exactly like the one Teddy will wear. How is it that more than two decades later not much has changed in traditional men's formal wear? There are a few pictures taken in the living room on Wood Place. The Hallorans came over for the occasion. It was awkward. Mrs. Halloran didn't leave the house except to go to church and I'm pretty sure Dr. Halloran left only for the office so they weren't at all social. I can't remember where we went to dinner or who with. Probably Liz and whomever she was dating at the time. I was on the fringe of so many groups because I was well-liked, but always with Jack. He didn't make friends easily. I'm fairly certain we fought that night. I know he was uncomfortable being a sophomore at a junior prom and there was no way he was dancing unless it was a slow song. It's unsettling how little I remember.

Maybe I'll be able to fill in the blanks when I read my journal from 1985. If I still have it. I've been excavating. Going through my old journals. There are two Rubbermaid bins packed full with them. I've been keeping a journal for as long as I can remember, and before that like every young girl, a diary. I think it was a way to work through my often raging and rampant emotions. Sometimes it worked...works. The only reason I can offer for why I still have decades old journals is that I'm afraid I'll forget. Yet, I've found that some things are better off forgotten. 

This week I randomly picked up two journals that took me back to the summer before my freshman year in college all the way through mid-junior year. There were lots of gaps. I don't write when I'm blissfully happy or downright dejected. When I'm on top of the world, I cannot be bothered and when I'm down and out, I cannot pick up a pen. It makes sense, but it also makes it hard to put the past together with so much missing. There's little about my explosive break-up with Jack (heart-broken), my first year with Eric (happy in love), or my breakdown (rock bottom).

This whole endeavor has me thinking about memory: the things we remember and why. The things that remain. Perspective too. It's also been a little emotional. I spent so much time in turmoil and pain during that period of my life. It opens wounds not fresh, but not healed either. There were so many things I would have done differently. So many. 

I've started excavating before and never gotten very far because it's complicated and messy and hard. I intend to get through the years of journals this time because for one, I'm trying to decide what to do with them. I'm contemplating throwing them away, or more like burning them. Before I do, if I do, I want to fill in as many blanks as possible because one of my biggest fears is the fear of forgetting. Yes, even those things that are uncomfortable to remember.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

An almost new normal. I'm on week two of my new schedule and it's got me thinking. Thinking that more structure is a good thing for me. I still have some flexibility during the day, which is nice, but I feel like I've been using my free time more wisely.

I'm still squeezing in time for cat cuddles. As soon as I sit down, Peanut makes a beeline for my lap and then he literally hugs me. It's just the sweetest!

And this Superman sleeps solo, but he's just as sweet.

A sweet conversation I had with Teddy this week in route from the doctor. We were reminiscing about his long ago love for Barney and Caillou and Little Bear. As annoying as I found those characters at the time, I sort of love them now. And yes, I still have the costume.

I felt connected to my mom this week. I felt connected to my mom this week when I watched a Lifetime movie. I don't know that I've done that since her passing. She loved her Lifetime. It was second only to Law & Order.

Permission

Teddy made varsity golf. Teddy is playing #2 on varsity golf. He played #4  last year as a sophomore so we weren't really worried. He tyed for #1. They shot 85s in very windy conditions. He took 9th overall and medalled.

Prom this weekend and HE HAS A DATE! These guys all just attend these things in packs so I'm so happy that he has his first official date (as far as I know.)

American Idol. I'm into this season. I can't tell you the last time I watched this show, but I'm glad I gave it another chance. I sort of love Lionel Richie. He is kind and supportive and he so reminds me of my mom because she was a big fan. I'm also a big fan of Luke Bryan, but I could do without Katie Perry. Two out of three ain't bad.

DWTS announced the cast for the next season this morning. I was not feeling the all athlete cast until I saw it included Tonya Harding and Kareem. Her character and his height should prove entertaining.

Two simple, but delish Smitten Kitchen recipes this week. I made Melting Potatoes. I have no idea how potatoes, butter, S&P, garlic and chicken stock can taste so divine, but believe me when I tell you they do. I think it's the 500 degree oven, which crisps up the outsides and leaves the insides soft and pillowy. It's a similar concept as the Salted Peanut Butter Cookies. Four basic ingredients yielding perfection. No flour. No butter.

And last night we made our first Detroit-style pizza and we were all in pizza heaven. It reminded us of Rocky's. There were no leftovers. We're tweaking it again this weekend. I only got one slice, and truthfully that was enough, but I want more. I even stopped at the Italian deli to get the authentic pepperoni sticks. Yum!

Old journals. Sometimes they're cringe worthy. Sometimes they're hilarious. I was reading one this week that spanned the summer before college through the end of sophomore year with lots of gaps. I was an emotional being during that stretch of time. I sort of wanted to go back and give that girl a hug. I wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay. Better than okay.

Today's a rainy day. I love those, and I really want to wear my new favorite cozy Loft sweater that I couldn't resist. But we had a couple beautiful days mid-week that prompted me to get out for long walks before work and that was lovely too. Then I put on my pink shoes one day and had a spring in my step all day long.

Lily's bottom braces are on as of yesterday. I'm grateful for this because the sooner they're on the sooner they'll come off.

The beautiful pearl earrings I received as a gift from my friend, Candace just because. They're beautiful just like her generous and thoughtful spirit.

My Dad called me last night. It was not exactly the conversation I was hoping for, but it's more important for me to have peace and happiness than validation. This won't be the first or last time I turn the other cheek with family members. In fact, it happen quite often.

Movie night tonight.

A Dream, a Conversation, an Experience and a Memory

I've been meaning to come here and write so many times over the past few weeks. The urge may have been provoked by a dream, a conversation had or one I'd like to have, but don't dare, an experience, a memory. Any and all of these prompts. And I cannot adequately explain my absence here. Clearly, I've fallen into a routine on this blog. Stale? Perhaps. Superfluous? So it seems. Shallow? I'd say.

The thing is I've recently found myself in a pretty good and solid space. It's not ideal, but it's getting better. I'm feeling more present, and yet there's still a Titanic-sized boat load of work to do. Always more. Always better. I've learned that to stay in a good place, I've got to cultivate it continuously. Hour after hour...day after day. It requires showing up Monday through Sunday, self-care and self-appreciation. Each of these come with their own drop down menu of ways and means. Basically, it's a full-time job to be healthy, and yes, the pay off is worth it.

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My dreams have been catching my attention. Every morning, it seems, I wake up wanting to garner meaning from the trips my subconscious mind takes while I sleep. The nights' visions all feel important lately...telling and trenchant...and then they slowly start to slip away after the first light of day. All I'm left with is a feeling. I suspect it's the feeling that was the very impetus for the dream to begin with. It's all that remains...so often fear, sadness, anger, embarrassment. loneliness, confusion. More rarely happiness or joy or satisfaction.

Last night I was brutally honest with someone in my life while I slept. I said all the things that have been weighing on my mind for nearly a decade and I spoke from my heart. I didn't feel any better during or after. Maybe because I know I'll never take the chance to speak these truths out loud. That leaves me right where I began trying to remedy real life hurts in the unarmed shadows of the night.

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There was a great deal of conversation Friday night during book club. My aunt stopped by after the lively book banter. We had some wine to finish...some other things to discuss. It was a lovely connection despite the fact that it was rather one-sided. I spent most of our time defending my reasons for reaching out yet again to my dad and then rehashing all the ways I feel I'm being mistreated by another family member. Nothing my aunt said or didn't say put me on the defensive or the warpath. She mostly listened. There are times it all seems so complex...this human nature gig, but quite simply it comes down to being present. Truly present. If we're in it, we get it. The ways we bring joy or pain, the way we wound or heal, the way we contribute or deplete. We get what we need to do and say...what we need to not do and not say to nurture the relationship. Oh, and then we do it.

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I attended mass in my very own kitchen this week. It's a holy place for me. Just try not to feel reverent as you turn the dregs of the crisper...the sad veggies and bare bones...into a delicious and soothing elixir. It's a process. It takes time. Jesus may have turned the water into wine in an instant, but the longer you let your stock simmer, the richer the transformation. Baking bread casts a similar spell on me. How can flour, yeast, a pinch of salt and a sprinkle of sugar yield a creation so fortifying? It just gets me every.single.time. I didn't make bread on Sunday though. I made cookies instead. Simple 4 ingredient peanut butter cookies so unbelievably good. Five ingredients if you count the love that goes into the recipe. It should be counted too. It's the most important component. Love makes all things we do and make better. So made with love is not just a nice concept or a cute saying. It is, or it should be, a mandate: Do all things big and small with great love.

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I was making Lily's bed this morning. She usually makes it herself, but when she doesn't, I have a little fun with the lovies she still shares her bed with. I pose Ellie the elephant, Alice the mole, Lavender the llama, and a couple unnamed others in entertaining (at least for me) poses. It lead me down memory lane. This was Ted's bed before it was Lily's. How many years ago? I could see it in his old room in our old house. I saw myself leaning up against it many months pregnant waiting for my little guy freshly bathed and dressed in his shorty super hero jammies with that cape. I'm waiting for him to pick out a bedtime story. He's wasting time playing with his train table while I'm feeling present. And prescient. He's growing up lightning fast. Thomas was but one of his phases. So many phases phased out. We read one book. He was never a one more story guy. No, instead he'd pray on his knees, climb into bed and wait for me to trace letters on his back. It was always one more letter with him.

weekending

this weekend started on a very high note: books, friends and wine.

we gathered at the public market for a happy hour book club.

it was a highlight of the weekend for me because these are my favorite things.

some of my favorite people too.

lily and a friend tagged along and then explored the third ward while we ate and drank and discussed.

we were kicked out at 8 o'clock not at all ready for the night to end.

the rest of the weekend i pretty much stayed home and was blissed out to do so.

i had the family room to myself saturday night.

mike was hanging out with his brothers, lily had a sleepover with a friend and teddy was actually home for a change, but lost to the phenomenon known as fortnight.

i ordered the shape of water and snuggled in with my boys.  

it was decent, but i don't understand the best picture award.

sunday was a good day.

the right mix of wants and needs as it should be.

the kids went to baseball and softball clinics despite the persistent winter weather.

i compromised and made stock for soup and sliders for the grill:

a nod to winter and an offering to spring.

we had our first corn on the cob of the season and it was quite tasty.

these are the days i'll remember forever.

On My Mind Monday

The saddest thing about life is you don't remember half of it.

 You don't even remember half of half of it. 

~ Donald Miller

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

I'll never forget this sunrise.

weekending

i loved this weekend.

it was cold for late march so we spent time staying cozy at home.
spring will spring so i'm enjoying the last of the hygge.

mike stoked up the first fire of the year.
probably the last too.

we had to burn all the financial statements.
there's nothing like motivation.

the cats were catatonic with bliss.

i was too: family, warmth, books, my best show homeland.

mike scored showtime for 4 months.

most everyone was gone for spring break so we were all 4 able to commit to dinner friday night.

it's sort of a good friday tradition to go out for family dinner.

we had our favorite wings to start and brought home most of our meals because of that.

mike, lily and i laughed a lot at comedy sportz on saturday afternoon.

we've been trying to go since fall.

we were up early on sunday for easter mass.

and very happy that grandma judy joined us.

we were prompt enough to get our pew for the sro service.

we were happily surprised to see father tim for the second week in a row.

he quoted forest gump during his sermon.

stupid is as stupid does and life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get work surprisingly well when talking about human nature and faith.

he also urged us to forgive.
tis' the season.

i felt incredible peace that i'd reached out to my dad the day before.

we enjoyed time with family at the in-law's and a delicious easter lunch before coming home to relax.