wtf?

It's been a strange stretch of days. I didn't see anyone or leave the house for days and that's the way I wanted it. Honestly...the way I needed it. The senseless events of the last week affected me viscerally. Charlie Kirk's murder was an outright attack on our first amendment rights, on Democracy and decency. I was rendered speechless by the brutal slaying. Then the lack of humanity shown by so many in the public eye and trolls hiding behind their screens on social media in the wake of the attack, made me sick to my stomach. This is very dangerous territory we are approaching and I fear for outcomes I cannot breath life to. So I'm mad and sad and scared that we are okay with violence against people with whom we disagree and comfortable with evil when we feel it is warranted. From where I sit, murder is never to be condoned and evil must always be abated.

But truth be told...the world's felt extra weighty for weeks. September so often does. It's already full of landmines so I cannot explain why I decided to go through boxes of mementos...letters, cards, pictures and decades worth of journals. I have decades of journals, but I didn't get through a single year. My teenage girl penmanship takes time to decipher, but it's also emotionally draining to go back...sometimes hilarious and often cringy too! It's such a clear reminder that given the chance, I'd stay right where I am.

Years ago, I decided I would read my journals chronologically. I didn't get very far before rethinking that endeavor. Well, I'm going to try again. Hey, at least I'm reading. In full disclosure...it may take me a year, but I'm committed to read before burning. There will be a fire.

So where am I? What's next? Who are we? How do we move forward? So many questions and very few answers, and that's why I'm hog-tied, tongue-tied and in knots.