Noise

I woke up this morning feeling bedraggled and not because I'm up several times with coughing attacks. Those have ceased.  If I had a smart watch, I could look up my sleep stats, but I don't need Apple to tell me I've had a shitty night's sleep. You see I've been playing Mahjong online kinda like a fiend. Now when I close my eyes at night, I play in my head. Let me tell you this is no Queen's Gambit...there's no fame or fortune in the morning light.

In the shower today I closed my eyes and saw those tiles again and I just knew it was time to put an end to this gaming obsession. It's a colossal waste of time.  It's a way to keep my thoughts and feelings at bay and I want to think and feel. It's noise. Obviously it contributes to my monkey mind and is quite possibly rewiring my brain. That's terrifying. The last thing I need is a shorter attention span.

That sent me down the rabbit hole on noise. It's not just sound. It's distraction. It's picking up our phones umpteen times a day, it's ear buds plugging our ears while we shop or walk or drive or sleep, it's the tv on 24/7, it's that little voice that tricks us into thinking we need constant stimulus. 

I'm trying to remember when I became so weary of silence. I used to covet the quiet and seek out corners to be alone.

I also used to read read articles from beginning to end. Now I'm lucky if I get through the first paragraph before I flip off to something new. I'm still reading the book I started in Mexico. I'm still reading it because I haven't read a single page since I've been home. I cannot tell you how many times in the last few months I've started watching a movie or show only to realize I'd already seen it. I'd seen it weeks ago not years, and paid so little attention that I could watch it again with bated breath.

This is not multi-tasking. It's inattention. We know everything so we know nothing. Information comes at us faster than we can possibly process it. There is little time for reflective thought, assimilation or synthesis. 

Today's youth who get phones earlier and earlier are a social experiment.  I won't be surprised if they are more restless and unhappy and less confident and creative. I think they'll be more depression and ADD.

This is just one of the things that scares me about the future of the human race and is also largely responsible for my dependency on white noise.

A crutch I am giving up today.