To The Light

The birds start singing at 5 a.m. sharp. I know this because I was wide awake with worry this morning. From 3 to 5 o'clock, it's just the crickets and for a few brief moments the birds and the bugs perform a duet. I'm not going to lie...it has been a rough stretch of days. Peanut was improving but then he took a turn. A wrong way turn. He curled up on my side in the middle of the night and I thought maybe he was saying goodbye. He's not one to sleep in bed with us. I prayed over, or rather under him first for healing and then for peace. A small, compassionate and tired part of me was hoping he would fall to sleep forever. 

Last night Lily and I sat on the stoop in the dark and I confessed that I was losing hope. She's well aware of his decline and she's seen what we've gone through to try to bring him back to health. She was stoic. Strong. It was one of those rare nights when you can actually see the stars in the city sky. I found it comforting. After a few minutes of silence, Lily broke down and confessed through big fat tears that she doesn't want Peanut to die.

It's a hard lesson for this almost 15 year old. Peanut is her cat. She's his person. They've grown up together. My heart is heaviest for her, but also for Tigger. These ginger brothers have been together since birth. They've been a package deal, double trouble, comrade cuddlers.

And even though I'm feeling downright sorry for myself today, I am well aware that these are first world problems. I should mention that there have been bright spots and joy moments this week too. Like an early birthday celebration at book club Wednesday. Dessert was my favorite chocolate cake and I went home with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. The countdown is on. It's officially my birthday month. It's a big one too, but then aren't they all? I intend to spend the last weeks of my forties taking a personal inventory. It's always a good way to honor endings and beginnings. A fresh decade is a big deal.

There have been lots of endings, and more to come. Lily's summer softball season wrapped Wednesday. Tuesday she had a career best. She was a dynamo on defense, had a double play and then she hit a home run. It was extra sweet because grandma and grandpa and her brother were on the sidelines. Oh, and the varsity coach who confirmed that she will be playing at that level next spring.

This is the last month of Ted. Of Ted under the roof of Casa Wags. This is the start of a month of letting go. It's something I'm not particularly good at, but I'm working on it. The other night was the last time with all his friends. They are starting to leave and won't all be together again until Thanksgiving. Saturday we have a last hurrah with this group before we send them all their separate ways. It's starting to feel real. 

Sunday Lily suggested we go to the Audubon for an afternoon hike. I had 100 reasons to say no, but I said yes. So did Mike. It was hot, but there was enough of a breeze to make it bearable and not too buggy. We had to do the loop twice because we made a wrong turn. Let's just say it was a good workout and also a glimpse of what it will be like to just be the three of us. We'll be fine.

The sun is high in the sky now. It's funny how in the dark of night I feel so alone and scared. Witnessing the break of day fills me with hope and gratitude. Yes, I'm dog tired, but I'm back to toil through another day. I'm willing to put in the effort to take care of what I have to and to say thank you for the blessings that are mine.