I spent hours at the Audubon yesterday and I didn't see more than a few frogs, a turtle and a bus load of school kids. The loud later actually explains a lot. These city slickers were truly beside themselves for spotting a frog in the pond. And here I sit this morning enjoying my coffee, contemplating my day and three dear come prancing through my yard as if on cue.
Despite running reconnaissance from all the four footers, I thoroughly enjoyed my time on the trails yesterday. I'm pretty certain I covered every foot, every mile. I needed to get out and breathe. I welcomed the time to clear my head, take in the beauty and thank God for it all.
You see I've been holed up in my head the past few days and I didn't even realize it. The mind/body connection is stronger than I sometimes allow myself to admit. I spent the past couple nights worrying when I should have been sleeping, and the days reading to escape when I should have been engaging all because I had a mammogram a couple weeks ago, my first. It wasn't pleasant, but it was routine. That is until I got a call back hours after the procedure. The nurse on the line asked me to schedule another visit due to a "questionable" mass in my left breast. I didn't panic... I didn't fret that I had to make an appointment two weeks out or else juggle an already crazy cache of commitments. I just did what I had to do and went on with my day, my week, my life (or at least I thought I did) until Sunday when my right (yes, other) breast started to ache. That's when my mind went there.
For obvious reasons, I'm scared to death of death. I cannot fathom leaving my kids without a mother. And believe me when I say...It's a dead weight worry that I carry with me every day. Some days it's heavier than others, and I've been bogged down. I was compiling lists in my cluttered head of things to do, what to to get in order (write cards for every birthday and milestone, update photo albums and birthday books, organize family favorite recipes, file statements), things to tell my hubby (Hanna Andersson has the best tights and outerwear, go ahead and blow the wad on Halloween costumes - they're only young once, buy a Le Bien ornament every year for the kids at Christmas, these earrings were my Mom's...I want them to be Bit's, tell T. Bone when he finds the love of his life, he can take the diamonds from my wedding ring and have them set for her). Yep...heavy.
Stress manifests itself physically. I've felt the burden on a cellular level the past few days. My first clue should have been the ghost pains in my massless breast. Instead of being rational and using that as a springboard for an aha moment, I became even more irrational and decided that either the nurse told me the wrong breast, or it had already spread and I would never have enough time to take care of all the things I needed or wanted to before I ended up in the grave (but oh...just for the record, I want to be cremated). Without a doubt all of my worry was negatively affecting my body.
The same technician, who I really connected with during my first visit, did my repeat mammogram yesterday. When she came to get me, she told me she said a prayer for me when she saw my name on her schedule that morning, but not to worry because remember 3 out of 10 women have to come back for more pictures and it's nothing. I didn't remember those statistics. I didn't hear them. I wasn't listening. I'm only 41. There's no history of breast cancer in my family. I never expected to hear anything, but "all clear." And I finally did thankfully hear that yesterday. I felt instant relief although I still tried to get her to refilm my other breast. She hugged me instead.
By mid-day, all my aches and pains subsided and I was able to understand that I'd been waging war on my body. Stress damages these temples we've been given for our time here however long. We just don't know, and I wouldn't want to. And so I'm reminded of that age old adage that always applies: live all the days of your life aka don't put off until tomorrow what can be done today aka happiness isn't a destination, it's a manner of traveling. They all basically express the same sage sentiment.
It's raining leaves, but the sun is shining high. It's the perfect morning for a walk. Despite the Indian summer temperatures, I'm making Gramps' beef stew for dinner. Today is his birthday. He was lucky to leave behind the legacy of a long, good life. I want to live the kind of life that leaves people celebrating me when I'm gone with smiles on their faces and love in their hearts no matter how long I'm here.
October is breast cancer awareness month. I am lucky to only know women who are survivors of this disease. Most likely, they are here today due to early detection. I don't care what the government says, or what this study or that study recommends...get your yearly mammograms.
Despite running reconnaissance from all the four footers, I thoroughly enjoyed my time on the trails yesterday. I'm pretty certain I covered every foot, every mile. I needed to get out and breathe. I welcomed the time to clear my head, take in the beauty and thank God for it all.
You see I've been holed up in my head the past few days and I didn't even realize it. The mind/body connection is stronger than I sometimes allow myself to admit. I spent the past couple nights worrying when I should have been sleeping, and the days reading to escape when I should have been engaging all because I had a mammogram a couple weeks ago, my first. It wasn't pleasant, but it was routine. That is until I got a call back hours after the procedure. The nurse on the line asked me to schedule another visit due to a "questionable" mass in my left breast. I didn't panic... I didn't fret that I had to make an appointment two weeks out or else juggle an already crazy cache of commitments. I just did what I had to do and went on with my day, my week, my life (or at least I thought I did) until Sunday when my right (yes, other) breast started to ache. That's when my mind went there.
For obvious reasons, I'm scared to death of death. I cannot fathom leaving my kids without a mother. And believe me when I say...It's a dead weight worry that I carry with me every day. Some days it's heavier than others, and I've been bogged down. I was compiling lists in my cluttered head of things to do, what to to get in order (write cards for every birthday and milestone, update photo albums and birthday books, organize family favorite recipes, file statements), things to tell my hubby (Hanna Andersson has the best tights and outerwear, go ahead and blow the wad on Halloween costumes - they're only young once, buy a Le Bien ornament every year for the kids at Christmas, these earrings were my Mom's...I want them to be Bit's, tell T. Bone when he finds the love of his life, he can take the diamonds from my wedding ring and have them set for her). Yep...heavy.
Stress manifests itself physically. I've felt the burden on a cellular level the past few days. My first clue should have been the ghost pains in my massless breast. Instead of being rational and using that as a springboard for an aha moment, I became even more irrational and decided that either the nurse told me the wrong breast, or it had already spread and I would never have enough time to take care of all the things I needed or wanted to before I ended up in the grave (but oh...just for the record, I want to be cremated). Without a doubt all of my worry was negatively affecting my body.
The same technician, who I really connected with during my first visit, did my repeat mammogram yesterday. When she came to get me, she told me she said a prayer for me when she saw my name on her schedule that morning, but not to worry because remember 3 out of 10 women have to come back for more pictures and it's nothing. I didn't remember those statistics. I didn't hear them. I wasn't listening. I'm only 41. There's no history of breast cancer in my family. I never expected to hear anything, but "all clear." And I finally did thankfully hear that yesterday. I felt instant relief although I still tried to get her to refilm my other breast. She hugged me instead.
By mid-day, all my aches and pains subsided and I was able to understand that I'd been waging war on my body. Stress damages these temples we've been given for our time here however long. We just don't know, and I wouldn't want to. And so I'm reminded of that age old adage that always applies: live all the days of your life aka don't put off until tomorrow what can be done today aka happiness isn't a destination, it's a manner of traveling. They all basically express the same sage sentiment.
It's raining leaves, but the sun is shining high. It's the perfect morning for a walk. Despite the Indian summer temperatures, I'm making Gramps' beef stew for dinner. Today is his birthday. He was lucky to leave behind the legacy of a long, good life. I want to live the kind of life that leaves people celebrating me when I'm gone with smiles on their faces and love in their hearts no matter how long I'm here.
October is breast cancer awareness month. I am lucky to only know women who are survivors of this disease. Most likely, they are here today due to early detection. I don't care what the government says, or what this study or that study recommends...get your yearly mammograms.
No comments:
Post a Comment