Love Today and Everyday

This morning as I drove along the lakefront, I fantasized about being a painter.  If I were talented in that art of expression, I'd have pulled into a deserted parking lot, fetched my watercolors and done my best to copy the mesmerizing landscape before me so I could always see it and forever feel it.  It was the kind of scene that if honestly rendered, would have spoken to viewers, awed them and certainly evoked any other number of emotions..  Reality is...I have to try and paint this picture with my words.  I don't carry around canvases or sketch books.  I don't own a collection of brushes in many sizes or nature's palette in paints to capture the way the muted slate sky met up with the cerulean inland sea.  Radiating from the sky heavy with haze were beautiful beams of light.  Rays like beacons or flares were reaching through the vapor ala Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I did a triple take.  At least.  It was otherworldly.  Dramatic.  Divine.

I parked  in an out of the way lot just so I could take it all in.  I love the winter sky best.  It's severe in equal measure to the subtlety of the same expanse in summer.  It's harsh.  The juxtaposition between light and dark is sharp and showy. Blue is bluer and white starker.  Perhaps the sky just seems more saturated when the rest of the world is sepia toned and in drab decline.  All I know is I find myself looking up much more than usual these days of late winter to my reverent amazement.

February 14th.  Definitely late winter.  Valentines Day.  The second song that cued up on the cd was My Funny Valentine.  Not just any old rendition, but Rickie Lee Jones'...the best.  Her crooning away while I watched the light show over the lake struck me like cupid's arrow.  There is so much beauty in this world.  It is all around us - above us, beside us and inside us.  All we have to do is open ourselves up to behold it.  There is so much love too, and all we have to do is open ourselves up to receive it.

Those five minutes, which made me ten minutes late for work, were my gift to myself this Valentine's Day.

On My Mind Monday

I suppose in the end the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but in the end what always hurts the most is not being able to take a moment to say goodbye.
**********************************************************

You want a story that won't surprise you. That will confirm what you already know. That won't make you see higher or further or differently.
**********************************************************

Life of Pi

I've never read the book, but last night I finally saw the movie.  It was Old Man and the Seaesque.  When I woke up at 1:30 this morning after dreaming that I was lost at sea, I couldn't get back to sleep.  I couldn't get back to sleep for like hours.  The first passage stayed with me and, of course, I found in the simple words a message for my current strife.  And thinking about that just made sleep all the more elusive.  Go figure.  

This parable did surprise me and make me think further.  I'm always grateful for that just not at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning.

I don't see this as an Academy winner, but I'm glad I saw it.  I may even still read the book at some point. 

2 day pass

i had a nice and quiet weekend.
one of the highlights of which was jess coming for wine and staying for pizza friday eve.
pizza from one of our favorite parlors with crust so thin and crisp.
and pies so large that there are/were leftovers to last the whole weekend.
time in the afternoon for a movie with coach was another joy moment.
silver lining playbook this time.
i loved loved loved it.
wonderfully cast and heartwarming on a gray saturday.
then i took miss bit and one of her besties ice skating while coach met up with some friends.
i ended up finishing argo beside the fire since a. needed to borrow my skates.
that ended up being fine by me as the girlies skated away for 3! yes 3 hours!
we got home just in time to greet t. bone as he was dropped off after a day of snowboarding with friends.
he came in the house, peeled off his gear and stated, i love nights like this. nights with nothing to do.
i whole heartedly shared his sentiment... we all cozied in under afghans and cats until bedtime.
sunday we arrived early for church.
that folks is a miracle.
i asked coach if we could go to our old sunday morning spot for breakfast sandwiches on ciabatta.
he was a go because he has his own standing order there: soup and a souffle.
then it was chores and chilling on a rainy day.
we i started on miss bit's valentines and i got a pot of stock asimmering on the stove.
the finale of the weekend was a delicious family dinner followed by another academy contender.
on the menu: pan seared t. bones with baby bellas, baked potatoes and caesar salads with homemade dressing and homemade croutons.
mmmm.
the feature film: life of pi.
hmmm.
now it's time to call it a night...a weekend.

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

T. Bone for heading out to shovel without being asked Monday after school.

These words:  This, it seems to me, is the reason any writer undertakes the speculative work of memoir. Not so much to tell “what happened,” as to illuminate the slow, halting process by which we learn to make our peace with what is. And in that vulnerable revealing, in the stumbling, wayward truth of that story, lies something that is worth offering: not the gift of what we have accomplished but rather the gift of who we really are.  I'm anxious to read Katrina Kenison's latest memoir.

A new favorite treat: candy bar cookies...especially hot out of the oven with a glass of cold milk.  I made 2 batches this week.

Trees decorated with showy scarlet bodied cardinals.  Miss Bit likes the less vibrant female birds.  Thanks to her attention to detail and affinity for the underdog, I now find them just as purty as the boys.

My animal (and fish and bird and reptile) loving Miss Bit.  She truly loves all God's creations.  Her favorite at the zoo were the tree pythons.  One was a sky blue and the other a limey green. 

A third grade zoo trip. Three spider monkeys hugging, two elephants joyfully getting sprayed down by keepers, seven charges excited for a day of fresh air and freedom, and one just beyond bliss that her mama could be there to hold her hand.  The group declared me the best tour guide ever!  (Yes, M&Ms were exchanged.)

Measurable snowfall overnight.  The prettiest kind that leaves the branches looking like they've been painted and the whole landscape all shimmery and aglow.  At Casa Wags we are envious of the blizzard heading towards the east coast.

Joining Miss Bit in the yard to play in the winter wonderland.  We made a snowman and some snowbabies cute and small enough to fit in the palms of our hands. 

After dinner at Dad's salon.  He didn't balk when I suggested he paint her nails while I do the dishes.  Real men wear pink, cry and paint little nails pretty in purple with precision.

On Demand.

Carpools.

Winter skies: soulful and heavy.

Lent starts next week.  I am very ready to make some sacrifices.

Knowing that the truth may first sting, burn and shock, and also knowing that accepting it will set me free. 

Perspective

Clearly yesterday was a difficult day.  As I confessed, I'm struggling with a relationship I hold dear.  It's making me question many things.  This is uncomfortable, raw and messy.  But I only cried once yesterday.  I lost it at work.  I lost it because my friend was barraged with bad news after bad news over the weekend.  She learned of numerous people in need of prayers.  Numerous people in critical situations.  I was overwhelmed by how selfish I have been wallowing in my self pity.  My suffering is not life or death.

This realization shifted my focus to say the least, but not as much as the letter Miss Bit handed me after dinner.  She passed me a note to tell me that she needed to talk to me about something that was bothering her.  She had my full attention.  We sat together at the kitchen table and had a heart to heart.  Something is really on her mind.  Has been for months.  It's serious, especially to her, and private so I must respect her wishes to keep confidence.  I listened.  I consoled.  I reasoned and now I must ask for help.  I need help because I just don't know how to make things better for her.  She agreed that I can talk to someone...a professional.  Seeing her pained  is my very worst torture.

After our talk, she felt better.  Relieved.  She sang in the shower and even told me how happy she was.  She laughed and smiled all the way to bed.  I know I'd feel the same way if only I could talk to my mom right now.  And in that moment I realized exactly where my energy has got to be squarely focused. Suddenly my own sorrows seem self-indulgent and silly.      

On My Mind Monday

What is on my mind is something that has weighed heavily on me all weekend.  It's the kind of stuff that makes me feel fragile, and because it doesn't exclusively involve me, I have to be vague and a bit elusive when expressing here.  So why write about it at all?  I want to write here to remind myself that what I am going through with the changes in this relationship is very similar to the stages of grief.  And that makes sense because I am mourning the loss of the relationship we once had.  I vacillate between anger, guilt, sadness and acceptance.  I was feeling empowered recently because I was taking responsibility for my feelings and needs...finally admitting that they are the only ones I have any control over.  I was speaking up and setting boundaries that have never been in play before.  And then this weekend my bubble burst when I felt so pained by what little hope I feel that this will ever improve.  I realized I still had hope.  I still care.  So I'm low.  Bluer than blue.  I don't know if I'll do anything about this.  I don't know what I would do.  So my mind and heart are heavy as I wade through this muck and mire.  I'm working on the reconciliation of my feelings with the facts as I know them so that I can let go of this burden one way or another.  I want to move forward  with peace in my heart that I am doing what's best for my family.  

2 day pass

with t. bone away, it was a miss bit choice weekend.
her requests: easy to fulfill.
we enjoyed a lazy saturday morning watching a movie.
she helped me in the kitchen and was the official taste tester for my new candy bar cookie recipe.
it is a fan favorite.
we visited a favorite pet store in the afternoon.
they have mostly animals i would never want as pets, but not my girl.
she is  dreaming of and scheming for a bearded dragon.
this smallness is as cute as the get too for they grow about 3 times this size.

she decided we would have dinner at the same restaurant we dined at last february when she was also an only child.
she remembered the chicken tenders and i think having mom and dad all to herself too.
sunday there was finally a trip to the ice rink much to her happy delight.
we ended the weekend with a small gathering for the big game.
the menu: wings, dogs, dips and soups for the superbowl.

this morning was a shock to all of our systems.
but the snow covered streets are forcing a slow start.