Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Getting up early this morning. Even though I wanted that extra hour of sleep, I also wanted to hear the buzz about Trump's speech last night on GMA first thing. I fell asleep about half way through his 75 minute rally, but I thought he was doing a pretty good job. As much as I lack affinity for either candidate (affinity being a kind word), I think this is fascinating stuff. And entertainment aside, it is my duty to be informed so I can cast my educated vote.

The right to vote. I've voted in every presidential election since I turned 18 and all elections the past decade. It really gets me fired up when I hear people say that they're not going to vote in November. It's reckless.

Getting to work early so I can leave early.

An extra day off this week and every week for the rest of the summer. 

Air conditioning. It's been brutal here all week. In the 90s and humid. It's the kind of weather that gets me looking forward to fall, and I don't want to wish away the second half of summer. 

After this weekend, softball is over. It's been a long season. She's busy with games and practice usually 4 nights a week. That's too much for summer in my opinion. 

Camp Grandma. Lily had a fun overnight this week that involved lots of time in the pool and a visit to the movies.

Pokemon Go. I cannot believe I'm actually saying this, but Ted went out for 2 long bike rides today to catch Pokemon and to crack his eggs. If not for this ap I fear, he would've watched tv all day.

Middle of week end of day picnic dinners on the beach.

6 weeks of summer left.

On Everything

I'm waiting for Lily to wake up so we can begin our day's adventure. She's not one to sleep the day away like her brother, but this is her first week with true summer freedom since summer began. I want her to enjoy it although I'm not exactly sure whether she'll be happy or grumpy when she wakes only to realize I've let her sleep half the morning away. Teddy's not here. In true teenager fashion, he came home from spending all day at an amusement park yesterday with one friend only long enough to pack a bag to spend the night at another friend's. I asked for a hug. He pulled the "sweaty" card. I took the hug in spite of the perspiration. He's almost sixteen so I'm aware this is all natural and healthy, yet I cannot help but fast forward to that time when he's not even passing through anymore gathering things for his next stop.

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I came home from work yesterday spent. I woke up at 2:45 and worried until it was time to get up. This doesn't happen to me often, but when it does, it's usually a Sunday night. I intended to take a nap so I put on some mindless television and then got sucked into an old episode of Teen Mom...the one where the adorable couple (who remind me so much of me and my high school swetheart) decide to give their baby girl up for adoption. I sobbed. I was wrecked for them and for all parents. We all have to give up our children at some point though. Kahlil Gibran was right in On Children:

"Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you.

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you."

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Yet children always need their parents. I still need my mom. There's something I want to tell or ask her every single day and I'm going on 47 here. We're never too old for their comfort, wisdom or support despite the fact we travel through know it all and do it all phases. I'm uncomfortably in the phase where I realize how little I know and how much I need. I only expect to know less and need more from here on out. Yet there's a certain freedom in accepting one's faults, flaws and shortcomings. There is peace in knowing and loving oneself as is. It's called humility, grace and also maturity. 

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How many times have we heard it said that we cannot love another deeply and truly until we love ourselves? I believe it. We cannot give that we do not possess, and yet even in dark periods of self-deprecation or loathing I still love my children unconditionally because they are me despite all the wisdom in Gibran's words.

On My Mind Monday

two day pass

it's that time of year when before i know it, it's the weekend again.

every day is different, and life is peppered with spontaneity.

it's hard for the type a planner i tend to be, but only when i resist it.

when i lean into the freedom, i reap the benefits of living in and for the moment.

unfortunately, something's got to give.

usually it's blogging and cleaning and sleep.

i'll survive.

so will my house and my history.

this weekend kicked off with lily's acting camp performance.

the actors gave us glimpses into what they've been devoted to the past couple weeks.

we were treated to a little improv, quite a rousing scene from hamlet and a lively lion king number.

she had the lead in a vignette during which she played a compelling autistic girl and was excited about it.

they closed the show with on broadway and i couldn't stop smiling.

she went with an old friend and they made new friends.

every year it's an all around well worth it experience.

that evening, while i was busy in the kitchen, i finished the bottle of freakshow that jess and i started the night before.

it was delish, and fitting as it seemed to perfectly sum up the people i had to deal with this week...i won't say where, but i bet you could guess.

i baked lily's now famous s'mores cookies for a family reunion mike was attending, and i put together a beach picnic for the girls all for saturday.

  

saturday after the boys went on their ways, the girls headed to windmill beach.

the water was warmer than it was during our midweek gloaming dinner, but still frosty and not for the faint of heart especially since the air was cooler and the westerly breeze constant.

we had a ladies lunch on the deck and spent the rest of the glorious afternoon beachside.

while i was the first one in the water wednesday, i didn't get beyond my lower extremities this time.

the girls were submerged for hours...surprisingly.

actually until their lips were blue and their teeth chattering, and still they wanted to stay.

they made friends with dogs and waves and a giant beach ball they blew up all by themselves.

we left just before gloaming and stopped for dinner on the way home.

it was the kind of day one doesn't mind lingering or lasting forever.

but it ends and too soon.

such is the fate of all good things.

i slept the sleep of the dead saturday and woke to a dreamy still sleeping house sunday.

i finished one book then picked up another and felt nothing but gratitude for quiet and coffee and other people's words.

sunday was a rough one for me...complicated, hormonal and sad.

i'll leave it at that.

the good news is that i know exactly why i felt the way i did, and it left me missing my mom something fierce.

it hurts to miss her so viscerally.

but i welcome the pain because it reminds me of what i lost and what matters.

last night, lily and i ended the weekend reading love and gelato aloud in bed.

i picked it up from the library for her and she sort of dismissed it, but we were both quickly drawn into this story about family history.

we read...we bond.

this is what matters: time, connection, intimacy, vulnerability.
this is what matters to me.

On My Mind Monday

Asa said he understood now what adult love could be. Something where two people did not merge so completely that they had trouble figuring out where one ended and the other began, but rather the joining of two strong, separate beings, creating a future rather than trying, over and over, to redo the past.

Pamela Erens

Eleven Hours

Sounds about right to me.

June Inventory

Reading I've been a rather uninspired reader. Since I last checked in here, I've gotten through The Nest, which was a mindless read so good for the beach although I happen to believe there are more worthy light reads to chose from. Then I finished Mothering Sunday: A Romance. I felt cheated of the 2 hours it took from my night so skip it. Eleven Hours was another quick but more compelling read, yet I was missing that twelfth hour when I finished the last page. I listened to The Heights while walking, and it was a solid choice both in story and narration for motivating me. Now I'm into The Passenger, which is in the company of Gone Girl. I'm still picking up It Starts With Food too because it's the Whole30 manifesto.

Wondering why in summer the days and nights seem to pass at warp speed. It's almost the middle of July and there is still so much we have yet to do.

Watching nothing worth mentioning. Mike and I are trying to get through season 2 of OITNB, but I fall asleep after 20 minutes every time.

Listening to the Sting station on Pandora. It's a good one.

Eating Whole30 again after a break for the holiday. On day 27 I decided to break it with a bite of chocolate cake because Lily baked it at camp and was super proud. For two weeks she brought home fresh baked goodies day after day and we couldn't attest to their deliciousness. Lily and chocolate cake are my weaknesses so I enjoyed a bite. One single bite. Then over the weekend there was a little more sugar, a piece of cheese, a couple bites of pasta salad, a few chips, some nitrites, and I felt horrible. horrible as in guilty and sluggish, bloated. So I'm back at it with renewed dedication.

Wishing I had my own personal chef and garden.

Wanting peace and people to stop hiding behind their rhetoric. I'm sick and tired of the way attestations that Black Lives Matter or Blue Lives Matter immediately shut down the conversation. All lives matter. Amen. 

Thinking about never again times and just how it is even possible to be nostalgic for yesterday.

Enjoying family bike rides, iced coffees, watermelon water, summer breezes, plentiful fresh produce and a weekend with few obligations.

Loving this picture...these people.

  

Grateful Friday

There's much to be grateful for since I last checked in here. We've had a good couple weeks and a stellar start to summer. Not without its kinks, but I'm not one to let the quest for perfect ruin perfectly good, and tonight I need to focus on the joy moments and bright spots.

Today I give thanks for...

Baseball. I just came from Ted's last JV game of the season. The Knights ended strong with two wins.  He pitched and caught. Tonight the game was called in the 5th inning because of the out-of-line behavior of the opposing team's coach. We were at the field for another half hour while our boys participated in an impromptu home run derby not quite ready to bid adieu to the season. Tomorrow he rejoins varsity for the playoffs, but I'm pretty sure he'd rather golf. Someday he'll realize what kudos it is to be playing varsity as a freshman. And he's got the rest of the summer to golf although cross country starts bright and early Monday morning. Should be fun.

Golf. I'm grateful for golf too. It got him out of bed before noon several times in the past couple weeks. He makes his own tee times and then rides his bike to the course a mile away. He's played with boys his age, men older than his grandfathers, and ladies too...most of them strangers. Then after he gets lunch from the club house, he bikes home just in time for baseball. It's the most initiative he takes these days in the days he should be taking more and more, but I'll take what I can get.

Camp. Lily came home from camp today, burst through the door and said, "I'm so glad you made me take this camp! It's so fun!" She's got one more week of acting camp much to her delight. Mine too. The two weeks prior she did another camp she also raved about that involved baking, art and you tubing. It's hard being a working mom with kids preteen and teen-age. In a perfect world, I'd have the summer off with them, but, of course, the world isn't perfect. What is perfect is that I have a flexible part-time job that allows me to be chauffeur, cook and cash machine most of the time. 

Softball. She's at the tail-end of her season and still improving. She's a decent pitcher and a strong first base woman...both positions are good for her confidence. I love how she has an understanding of the game beyond her level of play thanks to the years spent in the stands watching her brother play. That's going to make her an even smarter player as her skills continue to evolve.

Dinners al fresco and by lantern light combined with the light of the moon. It's true our backs are to the lake, but we can still hear it.

Cousins. Brother sister teams for backyard baseball.

Grandparents. Grandpas who drive through rush hour traffic to cheer the grandkids. As soon as my Dad showed up last week, she made all 3 outs in the inning. This week My in-laws came to 4 games: 2 for him and 2 for her. That makes for some very lucky players. 

Family. His, mine, ours.

Paychecks. He earned his fist official check. It was only double digits, but at least it's something. (His goofy smile is because he thinks it's ridiculous I insisted on a picture.)

Cat candids. I realize I'm a broken record, but I love these two furbabies so much. We all do. Peanut had a couple bouts of sickness, but he seems to be well now for which I am eternally grateful. 

Showy skies. Again I'm tending toward redundancy, but I cannot help it. The other night I had to take Teddy to a friend's after his game at 9 o'clock. I was cranky that his night was just getting started as mine was in rapid decline. On the way home, my favorite UB40 song came on the radio. I haven't heard it in years...maybe decades, but singing along it brought me back to that time in my life when nights were still young long after the sun had set.

Freedom and July 4th celebrations. We hosted our second annual last weekend and it was a great day into night. This year we did a traditional bbq with a hot dog bar and beef brisket my dad smoked all night, yard games and fireworks. 

No one was hurt.