My Musings

On My Mind Monday

2012-02-13T07:04:00.002-06:00

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When a man is a mystery to himself you can hardly call him mysterious.

Abraham Verghese
Cutting For Stone

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I started this novel for the third time over the weekend. I've read and reread the first 80 pages three times. It is compelling so I just don't know what it is about this book. I am going to stick with it this time...I promise. Of course, now that I'm committed, two other books I requested are on hold for me at the library and a third is in route. Perhaps, it's not the book at all...it's me. So while it remains a mystery, I am not mysterious.

2 day pass

2012-02-12T21:49:00.001-06:00

the kids were the ones with the plans this weekend.

we are happily in that phase of life where that is usually the case.

it's one of my favorite things...to wake up and let the day unfold as it may.

saturday was just that kind of gift and i was up plenty early eager to eke out every moment of joy.

i enjoyed time to read in the quiet house, followed by time for a few chores.

then hubby and i bundled up and braved the bitter cold for a 4 mile walk.

i was so stuffed like a sardine in layer after layer that i could hardly turn my head.

but i stayed warm and hoped the same for t. bone who was to be on the slopes for the entire day.

we met miss bit and her grandma downtown after their time at the children's theater.

we four warmed up over mochas at the coffee house before making the short, chilly trek to church.

miss bit asked to sit in the balcony and we did figuring heat rises and if she fell due to sheer exhaustion, only the organist would be the wiser.

it was new to us...like an adventure so it's obvious we live on the edge.

we decided to treat miss bit to dinner out in celebration of her perfect conference.

while we waited for her chicken nuggies, we played a rousing game of would you rather.

she was sort of digging being an only for the eve.

after an already full weekend with grandma and grandpa and a full tummy, we only managed to make our way through the first chapter of pipi longstocking before calling it a night.

hubby had to hold out until midnight when t. bone's bus finally pulled into the parking lot.

he came home tired and sore, but pumped up to relive every trick of the day.

guess who snarled at me when i woke him up for sunday school?

after an ibuprofen and a promise to do nothing the rest of the day, he rose and readied.

hubby and i took a brief, brisk walk before returning for prayer service perfectly timed.

when asked to write a definition of love, t. bone quipped, snowboarding.

miss bit ever eloquent penned, being kind and warm hearted.

hubby showed us all love by making homemade pizzas for linner.

it was his best crust ever!

i hope my family can taste the love in the soup i made for tomorrow's dinner.

the guys went to basketball.

t. bone reluctantly.

miss bit and i decided to stay home at the last minute to make valentine's for her teachers and some treats.

while she mastered heart and soul on the keyboard, i dug out the old air popper from my college days, and then we doused the perfectly healthy popcorn with melted white chocolate and plenty o' sprinkles.

delish!

the boys came home after two wins and joined us for a snack and a show.

and now i'm sitting here wondering where oh where did the weekend go?

6:01 a.m., Saturday, February 11, 2012

2012-02-11T06:14:00.011-06:00

I'm here front and center before the sun is up this morning because I had 6 a.m. drop-off duty for T. Bone's day trip with ski club. Regrettably, the only picture I got was of the dash telling the time we embarked on the empty road. I knew it would not be "cool" to take pictures of these macho, tricked out skiers and snowboarders, but I had it in my sleepy mind to try and sneak just a one. Better yet, I managed to sneak a hug, a sniff and a quick run of the hands through my son's flowing mane. What! It was dark out. But then he disappeared into the bowels of the bus. First I resisted the urge to follow him and then to sit and wait for the bus to leave the parking lot as if witnessing them depart would somehow offer more protection for the long day ahead on the peaks without parents. For the record, I said my prayers last night and again before I pulled out this morning.

I lingered just long enough to learn that our friend is driving the three hours in his own truck to keep an eye on his son, a fellow fifth grader. He vowed to watch out for T. as well, and no doubt the two boys will be together much of the day. Once I learned that information, I was able to stop doubting our decision to let our eleven year old sign up for this trip. He's one of only three fifth graders going today.

This whole experience has been sort of a milestone for me as a mother. I believe it's had the same effect on my husband. The landmark here is in letting our son venture further and further into unknown territory on his own. It's easing up on the reigns, giving him some slack and trusting that we've raised him well. That we've prepared him to consider consequences and make responsible decisions. If I didn't feel confident of that, that boy would still be in bed.

Bed where I thought I'd be upon my return. I didn't even have a cup of coffee before we left, but T. Bones adrenaline proved stronger than any dose of caffeine. He was up before his alarm and at the ready early. He sat shotgun, turned the radio up to the point I was sure our base was going to get us pulled over for disturbing the peace and he belted it out. I joined in and we sang along with the Peas: "I gotta feeling...TODAY"S gonna be a good day." Oh yea, we're clever like that even before the crack of dawn.

I'm glad his Dad is picking him up at 11 p.m. tonight.

Grateful Friday

2012-02-10T16:50:00.001-06:00

Today I give thanks for...

Being cozy on the couch with my cats and computer right here...right now. The snow is swirling outside and the world is wintry white the way it should be this time of year. I'm all alone. T. Bone is bowling with friends and Miss Bit is off with Grandma and Grandpa.

Making valentines with Miss Bit this week. I L-O-V-E time to craft with my girl. She took such pride in personalizing each card, making them special and unique for the individual recipient. Her classmates are lucky and so are Grandma and Grandpa. This card was for them.

Homemade...valentines, soups, truffles, breads and laundry soap. I made my first batch this week. This $20 investment should keep us in the clean for at least 6 months and that just makes me feel giddy. Even though it's more work than buying detergent, it somehow feels simpler.

My Dad for offerring to come here this morning to be with the kids because today there was no school.

All of T. Bone's teachers gave him stellar reviews as a student and person during this morning's conference. His hummanities teacher said that she feels he is the student in which she has seen the most growth thus far this year. And then she said, "I just know he's going to do great things one day." I got just a little teary eyed not because her words came as a surprise, but because I believe it too and it's so validating when someone a little less biased sees exactly what you see.

Miss Bit's conference was last night and I was on the verge of tears there too. Her teacher expounded on the fact that Miss Bit is such a kind, thoughtful, caring soul. She went on about her smarts too, but that pales in comparison to her character. One's mettle deserves the most merit.

An invitation to travel to Washington D.C. with my frister soon to cheer her on as she accepts a much deserved award. Three nights in a five star hotel, fancy dinners, an impressive itinerary and a weekend of girl time.

T. Bone will be able to snowboard on real hills and fresh snow tomorrow. Course, he's gotta get on a bus at 6:00 a.m. and drive for a few hours, but I think it trumps the culvert in our front yard. T. Bone and his friend took a sled and shovel and went up and down the block collecting what little snow was left this week to make a "jump."

The passion my kids have for iced passion fruit tea lemonade. Their friends love it too. I make at least a pitcher a week...sometimes two and it's not even summer yet.

Most of the day to spend with my hubby tomorrow.

My friend for putting an inspirational, reflective piece on my desk this morning. It is always good to be reminded to be grateful for the one day we have...today.

The Load (proceed with caution)

2012-02-08T08:56:00.008-06:00

I'm struggling the past few days. OK weeks. All right already month. It's not exactly that I'm sad although at times it is exactly that. What I am is overwhelmed, overwrought, and under enthused. I feel distant, guarded, isolated and afraid. It's not new to me to need to withdraw from time to time when the world feels too much, but I've never feared this exigency. This time I do and that fact is causing me a mounting level of anxiety. Truthfully, I'm having a hard time just writing this because putting words to these paralyzing feelings makes me feel all the more crippled.

I've been trying to come out from under this cloud by identifying the source of the shroud or finding a solution to the shadow, but the deeper I dig and the harder I try, the more daunting it becomes and the more hopeless I feel. There a moments and even days of reprieve. Yesterday a long chilly walk moderated my mood. The uptick was sustained by spending quality time with my girl after school. We made a list and visited the library in search of a couple titles to read together. Seeing her excited about reading really brings joy to my heart. My son just finished his favorite book for the third time. I don't know that I've ever voluntarily read the same book three times. What am I waiting for? That's what the recusant voice in my head says. When we got home, Miss Bit and I continued our girl time. We made valentines for her classmates. I'm telling you we designed, traced, cut, colored and glued the sweetest little cards. She was so excited to be creative and adamant to be sure she was choosing each classmate's favorite color. If you were really plugged in you'd be making heart shaped crafts and cookies, pink and red everything, feeling the L-O-V-E not slogging through the hours day by day. That's what the nay saying voice in my head whispers and taunts.

Ask me how I am and I'll probably say "fine," and perhaps even "good." That's what people really want to hear and what else would I say if I really don't want to talk about it...if I don't know how to talk about it. I used to pride myself on being such a good communicator...inter and intra both. And maybe I was, but at some point along the way, I stopped talking about any adverse feelings. I've ignored them, denied them, deflected them, repressed them, mocked them, pushed them aside, down deep and over and out. What is wrong with you? Get over it. Don't be a baby the same unforgiving voice chides.

So I drown out the voice. I listen to my book when I walk. I turn on the t.v. the minute I get home. I turn on the radio when I'm in the car. I don't sit in silence. I refuse to reconcile my feelings, or to make peace with my thoughts, fears or frustrations, and that folks is just a breeding ground for more of the same. The well-known dynamic of the unrelenting vicious circle. Fear begets fear. Frustration begets frustration. despair begets despair. Angst begets angst and ire begets ire.

I don't know what to do with this yet. I really don't. Yet the frightening prospect of putting this out there in black and white now offers a tiny bit of relief. It feels like a small breakthrough...a baby step in the right direction. I know I cannot wait this out any longer. My only plan at present is to bundle up and walk forward into the day. Walking helps. Writing helps. Today I am going to leave any and all distraction at home while I forge ahead and through. I know with some hard work, I'll get there. There...where I want to be.

(If you made it through...I'm sorry, but I did warn you.)

2 day pass (2 days late)

2012-02-07T23:43:00.003-06:00

i was off friday.
in the morning i attended miss bit's character fashion show.
i attended the show after i scoured my bathroom that is.
she was going as bean.
bean is just a regular girl.
a regular girl with black hair.
miss bit is not a regular girl, but she has auburn hair.
the can of jet black hairspray turned much more that her hair ebony.
lesson learned that the shower door does not contain that fine, dark mist.
after school she asked to shower the minute we got home and i couldn't blame her.
she had to shampoo, rinse and condition 4 times to get all the goo out.
i spent the rest of the day and most of friday night preparing for my soup er' sip saturday evening.
jess came over to test the wine and also to toast the trip to washington d.c. we're taking in march!
3 appetizers, 1 salad, 3 soups, 3 breads and 3 desserts for 8 women later.
clearly i have a problem.
oh, but it was good.
it was such a cozy, chill gathering.
my only complaint: our time together was too short.
and sunday morning came too soon.
hubby and i headed out for a bagel whilst the kiddos attended sunday school.
then the whole fam went to watch t. bone's back to back basketball games.
the team lost, but he played great.
my brother and sil joined us for more soup and the superbowl.
we were evenly split between the giants and the pats.
my team won despite the fact that i nodded off for the victory.
in lucky t. bone fashion he almost swept the family pool and had his winnings spent before bed that night.
we have a busy week around here so it should speed by.
and before we even know it, it'll be the weekend again...lucky for us all.

Gone, But Not Forgotten

2012-02-06T07:27:00.005-06:00

I shall ask into my shell only these friends with whom I can be completely honest.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Gift from The Sea

I woke up to find this guy/gal hanging out in my yard yesterday morning. It seems to me a rather significant sign given the company and conversation I shared just hours before.

I wrote THIS (click link) post a little more than a year ago. The friend we went to visit in the hospital that snowy night and the friend I drove with were around my table last night. We connected with the other friend who joined us a year ago January by telephone. We talked about that night. Those sightings. Spirits. Sisterhood.

Call it what you like, but I must be honest and tell you that I cannot consider the coyote in my yard this morning anything close to a coincidence.

Daybook -January, 2012

2012-01-31T06:28:00.005-06:00

Outside my window...I can literally see what little snow we have melting under the gaze of the sun. The critters are scurrying all around the yard awake and alive. It may be January 31st, but it looks more like the end of March from here.
I am thinking...about how I wish I didn't agree to work today. How I'd rather be home to plan, shop and start preparing for my girl's gathering this weekend. I'm such a creature of habit...I don't like deviation, let alone change. I think it's good to know these kinds of truths about myself. To accept them. To honor them.
I am thankful...that I am being conscious of my innerspeak and careful not to belittle myself or label myself.
In the kitchen...I have little inspiration when it comes to making breakfasts and lunches lately. My kids don't eat cereal. My daughter won't eat bread. It has become somewhat of a challenge to please their palettes, while also meeting nutritional needs. The whole dogged process leaves me feeling like a ragged short order cook.
I am wearing...my favorite sweatshirt and my favorite pair of lounge pants - they were my Mom's.
I am creating...a menu, a shopping list and an itinerary.
I am going...to throw in a load of laundry, feed the fish and make sure that my son is awake. I will make him breakfast, kiss him goodbye, hand my hubby his smoothie and kiss him too. I will wake my daughter, let her wear whatever she wants today because I don't have it in me to barter and negotiate this morning, dry my hair, fix her hair, make her breakfast, and make our lunches while she eats and we chat. I will get dressed, feed Little Red, give the cats a treat and drive her to school. I will bite my tongue when people skip the line of cars waiting to drop-off kids and sneak in front. I will kiss my girl and wait to wave not once but twice as she makes her way to the door.
I am wondering...what would it feel like to have nothing to do, and then if I'd really want to know?
I am reading...Don't Let's Go To The Dogs Tonight, a memoir by Alexandra Fuller. It's easy to pick up and to put down. I like books like that. I need books like that.
I am hoping...for a short, fast week and a long, lingering weekend, and yes it's only Tuesday.
I am looking forward to...tomorrow when it will be life as normal, a fun evening with the ladies this weekend and the paralyzing snowstorm I know is in our future.
I am hearing...the morning news. Frustrating stories of stupidity and senseless stories of sadness.
Around the house...there is much to do before a little soire, but I love this part.
I am pondering...getting from point a to point b. Today it's not daunting...there's no rocket science required...just simple connect the dots. No question, I can do this.
A favorite quote for the day...
But in the glow of love, in the heat of battle, in the cushioned denial of the present, how few have the wisdom to look forward with unclouded hindsight. - Alexandra Fuller
One of my favorite things...starting my day off with time to write.
A few plans for the rest of the week...just the ordinary...the extraordinary ordinary: walks, talks, time together and time alone.

2 day pass

2012-01-30T08:23:00.004-06:00

the past couple days were spent mostly hunkered down at home.
we're in serious hibernation mode even though the air smells and feels suspiciously of spring.
that means coming together to play games and share meals, and then dispersing to read or lounge or veg.
hubby dutifully and thankfully kneaded, tossed and rolled crust after crust so we could make pizzas with aunt jess saturday evening.
we especially loved the margherita and buffalo chicken creations except the 11 and under crowd who stuck with tried and true sausage ronis.
so tasty they were that we simply decided to skip the salad and have another slice instead.
after church sunday, hubby and i almost walked only as far as the nearest cafe, but then we decided to change our route to account for the brutal wind and forge ahead bravely.
we walked around and around our deserted downtown streets...it was like a stroll down memory lane and being tourists in our own town at once.
t. bone joined friends to snowboard at a nearby hill and miss bit excitedly accepted the invitation to play at a friend's for the rest of the day.
i have never seen either one of my kids change out of their church clothes or scarf down lunch with such speed.
and what did we do with no kids for a whole afternoon to do whatever we wanted...watch an r rated movie, which is just what we wanted.
in tandem, we tweaked a new lasagna soup for dinner and were pleasantly surprised when both t. bone and miss bit licked their bowls completely clean.
and really what's not to love about fire roated tomatoes and garlic and fresh mozzarella, but with those 2 you just never know.
america's funniest videos had us all in stitches before bed.
so that even though we are a little sad to see the weekend end, we did so with smiles on our faces.

Where's The Snow?

2012-01-28T09:04:00.004-06:00

I went to bed early last night. I mean I fell asleep reading my book on the couch, woke up when Miss Bit was going to bed, went to tuck her in, and decided to just join her in la la land. Really, it seemed preferable to where I was, which was out of sorts, anxious, down. If I'd have known I was practically going to relive Crime and Punishment in my dreams, I might have opted for a few more chapters of Alexandra Fuller's African childhood, which takes place in the midst of bloody civil-war raging Rhodesia. The family fights the Africans and the animals who were both there before them, and themselves too. It's the kind of story of survival that makes one realize how cushy life is in parts of the world.

I digress. So I was of the belief when I turned my light out, I'd see the world in a better light come morning light. It's true. My outlook is sunnier today even IF the skies are too. Snow was in our forecast overnight. Not a deluge, but a couple inches, and we're in the position to take what we can get. From what I can tell, we only got a paltry dusting and now the brilliant sun threatens to melt that too. I must confess that T. Bone and Miss Bit are not alone in their lamentation of this fact. We all feel robbed, cheated. At this point, I would be ever so happy with one shut down the schools storm that immobilizes us for an entire day so we can celebrate that freeing feeling of life at a complete standstill. At this rate though I'm not holding my breath.

Nor are my kids. T. Bone has been surfing sites for the necessary equipment to turn our backyard into a snowboard park. He shows me tubes and blocks...ramps and grinds...video after video...and then he says a little defeated, "Next year. There's next year." He had to write a persuasive paper on what bugs him most. He chose no snow in winter. He is so my kid, and thus didn't need to persuade me, but I think his arguments were swaying...convincing. Every day Miss Bit and I pass by the ice rink on the way to school, and she asks, "Do you think we'll ever be able to skate?" I have to tell her it's not likely because it's an icy, uneven puddle once again. I doubt the city will flood it a third time. I remind her there's always the indoor rink, but I firmly agree it's just not the same.

So it is that instead of dreaming of a warm, tropical escape, I can't get the snowy mountains off my winter wanting mind.

Grateful Friday

2012-01-27T16:14:00.002-06:00

Today I give thanks for...

These two incredible kids and how much they teach me each and every day.

This week T. Bone had to write 3 paragraphs on 3 varying topics in addition to a great deal of other homework. That's a lot of writing for an active 11 year old. I was not always my best self in terms of being a model of patience or a muse of inspiration through this process. At one point my son looked at me, locked eyes and said, "You want me to write like I'm in college, but I'm only in 5th grade." I protested...I denied...and then I ruminated on his assertion. As I tucked him in last night, I told shared with him that writing has always been my preferred mode of expression and in a sense the written word has always come easily to me. It's what I've always been most passionate about in the same way that he loves and excells at any and every sport he has ever played. I confessed to him that he was right that perhaps my expectations were unreasonable and I assured him that he is a fine writer who makes me quite proud. I'll never forget the smile on his face when I spoke. And leave it to my 100%, all American athlete to spoil the sappy moment by saying ever so sweetly, "Yea Mom, what sport WERE you good at?"

Oh, and he can sing too.

I have my own editor who prefers I pet him instead of press the keys.

Back on track this week...eating more veggies, only the wholest of whole grains and little to no refined sugar. We don't even miss our holiday vices with meals like southwest chicken soup with cilantro and lime or lettuce wraps.

This 7 year old mastered the art of division with the help of her math loving daddy and she was really deservedly proud of her accomplishments. No, she was not wearing my glasses during her studies, but she agrees that she looks "cute in a nerdy way" with them on. I agree too.

My hubby for filling up my gas tank last week unbeknownest to me, and also that no one saw me get agitated trying to fill said full tank at not one, but two pumps before getting back in my car frustrated and obviously clueless that I didn't need gas.

T. Bone got another perfect score on another math test yet again this quarter.

The way Peanut asks me for hugs in the morning and how Tigger will make his bed on any item of clothing we leave lying around. Peanut has a new morning routine. He is glued to Miss Bit from the minute she gets up in the morning. He follows her to and fro the bathroom, her bedroom, the kitchen, right to the back door as we leave and it makes her feel just a little bit special.

Really sitting with the knowledge that there's no time like the present. Embracing that is life changing and, thus a tad scary.

Curling up on the couch with Miss Bit to read side by side. We read for 40 minutes before she even knew it. It reinforced for me the poignancy and power of leading by example.

Many miles this week and more to come.

Today's Thoughts

2012-01-24T08:07:00.005-06:00

I didn't want to get up this morning.
When I finally did roll out of bed, I had only 20 minutes to make T. Bone breakfast and lunch.
I still managed to send him off with a full tummy after a warm meal proving that I perform best under pressure.

I'm trying to phase out 1 of my 2 cups of morning coffee with a cup of green tea.
It probably shouldn't be the first I forgo.
I didn't much enjoy my tea for the whole time I sat sipping it.
I was coveting my coffee.

Miss Bit is eating her breakfast and watching cartoons beside me.
I didn't mind that she changed the channel because I have little interest in the academy award nominations.
I find Curious George more endearing than Brangelina these days.
For the life of me, I'm trying to get to the bottom of a bowl of oatmeal.
I know breakfast is important, but I'm not much into it most mornings.

I made a list of what I need to make laundry soap and I'm a little giddy about doing that today.
And maybe just a little more excited to find the perfect container in which to store it.
Too bad I already stripped the beds and started a load.
Oh well, there's always more where that came from.

After I drop Miss Bit off at school, I am looking forward to a long walk.
It's a chilly, grey day so I'll bundle up and brave it.
When I return, I'll fix a bowl of last night's leftover minestrone to warm me from the inside out.
It was quite good with the layers of flavor: onion, garlic, fresh rosemary, bay, parsley and basil.
Not too mention a little freshly grated Parmesan on top of the crunchy veggies and nutty pasta.

Last week I committed to meeting a friend downtown tonight.
She needed a wing woman, and she asks little of me.
Regrettably, I bowed out on her yesterday.
I'm really grateful that she understands that right now I just don't feel up to meeting new people, being in a crowd or being on.
I'm rather off.
It's why I'm talking about sleep and soup and laundry, but at least I'm still talking.

On My Mind Monday

2012-01-23T21:37:00.004-06:00

The pathos and the gift of life is that we cannot know which will be our defining heartbreak, or our most victorious joy.

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Cocktail Hour Under The Tree Of Forgetfulness
Alexandra Fuller

And I ask this: Would we really want to know if we even could?

2 day pass

2012-01-22T21:02:00.001-06:00

we all took it down several notches this weekend and were blissfully happy to do so.
t. bone kept his snowboarding date friday and came home talking about grinds and getting air still clearly soaring after the totally awesome experience.
then he asked to skip basketball practice saturday morning and declined an invitation for sunday and so it is that there's a first for everything.
miss bit had a friend over both afternoons much to her delight.
my brother and sil joined us for an impromptu saturday night soire.
i made a deliciously easy 3 ingredient caprese dip and oooey, gooey salted caramel bars, and they kindly brought a tasty shephard's pie and also the wine.
leftovers became lunch the next day after church and a walk.
the wind along the lake was biting and brutal.
i couldn't shake the chill for the rest of the day.
but i tried by curling up on the couch under not 1, but 2 afghans with my book and numerous episodes of trash t.v. in cue.
And that's a wrap.

Grateful Friday

2012-01-20T22:02:00.003-06:00

Today I give thanks for snow and the fact that just now all of my family members are home safe, sound and warm. I'm grateful for the quiet of the house this moment and knowing we do not have to leave until church on Sunday morning. I'm grateful for time to just be this weekend. I wish you a hibernating, happy, peace-filled weekend too.

Today...A Glimpse.

2012-01-17T22:26:00.005-06:00

Today was:

Waking up to flurries.
The yard is so eerily quiet and deserted as the critters seek cover.
Before we leave the house, the streets are slippery and snow covered, and the trees dusted in the flying flakes.
There is palpable energy in our midst despite the quiet in the yard because my kids sort of worship the white stuff, and maybe I do just a little bit too even if it means I have to drive white knuckled.
Of course, there is endless speculation on the number of inches and the likelihood of a snow day this week.
Me and Bit take T. Bone to school, come home, discover he left his shoes in the mudroom, dress, and are back out the door in 20 minutes.
In that time, he calls to ask me to deliver his shoes to which I reply, "Have you seen the roads? Wear your boots."
Miss Bit and all her oozing empathy somehow convinces me to save her brother from having to spend the day sporting soggy, rubber soles.
He owes her.
Have I told you lately how hugely this girl makes me want to do the right thing?
I make a quick trip to the grocery and because of the weather I have the store to myself always a bonus.
Once home, I cook and bake and clean before retiring under an afghan with a cat flanking my both sides.
I finally finish Cocktail Hour Under The Tree Of Forgetfulness.
This quote sticks with me all day: What my mother won't say - lost in all her talk of chemicals and pills - is that she knows not only the route grief takes through blood but also the route it takes through the heart's cracks. What she won't tell me is that recovering from the madness of grief wasn't just a matter of prescriptions, but of willpower.
I am so glad to have Fuller's first memoir: Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight, and start it immediately.
Bam! Just like that and six hours have flown by so I leave to get my T. Bone.
Smart kid gets in the car and the first words out of his mouth are, "Thank you."
"For what?" I inquire testing him.
"Bringing my shoes," he says making the small sacrifice worth it big.
Then he carries on about what he calls "Two exciting things" about his day.
One: he lost his first molar...his eleventh tooth.
Two: ski club is planning an all day trip in February and now he's wishing the next four weeks away.
Have I said it here lately how much I L-O-V-E this kid and his enthusiasm???
He runs to retrieve his sister and they race back to the van like they always do only she wins today because he's wearing his tennis shoes instead of his boots (WTH) and therefore treading carefully.
She's almost more excited than he is with regard to the lost tooth.
He decides of his own free will and without the power of suggestion that he will shovel the driveway for his Dad before he calls his friend who he plans to snowboard with.
She keeps him company, but doesn't dig in.
They come in and declare my snowman cupcakes "too cute to eat."
But they do, and then decide that they are "THE best cupcakes" I have ever made!
Of course, this is one of the rare times I doctor up a cake mix and use a can of frosting so I'm a tad beside myself that they prefer the processed crap to homemade.
Then I eat one and realize that they taste just like Twinkies and if I worked out today I'd have two just like T. Bone cuz' I am a closet Twinkie lover even if I haven't had one in decades.
T. Bone does his homework with one eye on the clocks while he waits for his friend to finish his own assignments.
Miss Bit bundles up and waits for her friend in the fort they built the day before.
Hubby comes home and we have time to chat and chill.
I don't see the kids until we call them home for dinner.
It's dark outside, they both have cheeks that look like apples, they are soaked to the bone and starving.
They inhale their turkey burgers, naan and carrots hoping to get more time outside on the "totally awesome jump" they built.
The adults have tuna casserole that my hubby tells me is so good he has to have seconds when he doesn't usually even want firsts.
After I take a bite, I must humbly admit that he is right.
This polygamous marriage between my Mom's recipe and my paternal Grandma's recipe and my own recipe seems to take this casserole to a new level.
I have seconds too and eat my salad for dessert despite the fact that I would really like thirds.
We settle in our spots and someone queries, "Does Peanut really need two afghans?"
I don't answer because what kind of crazy question is this?
Of course he does, he's a cat and he has a fur coat, but he's too cute to deny or disturb.
We watch Celebrity Wife Swap, which is Miss Bit's new favorite show right up there with The Wild Man and Toddlers and Tiaras.
I go with it though because these moms make me look like June Cleaver (not that the kids know who she is or anything, but note to self...they should).
Soon as they're tucked in bed, hubby gets a phone call pertaining to little league, and another and another.
Yes, despite the fact that it's the middle of winter, we are already forging ahead to spring.
Hey...the draft is in 30 days I'll have you know!
I am half asleep for the news, but I hear enough to know that tomorrow is going to be cold and there will be more snow this week.
And that was today...ordinary and extraordinary all at once.

Happy Birthday Dr. King

2012-01-17T12:54:00.006-06:00

Miss Bit and I got to talking about why we were off yesterday on our way to school today. (I was still off my game Monday and not 100% due to my sickness so forgive my Nyquil induced fog please and lack of pertinent discussion on the actual day.) This morning on our long snowy drive we talked about MLK, his dream, segregation, and civil rights. She was speechless when I told her that there were separate schools and bathrooms and buses for African Americans not that long ago in our country. We discussed how when we crack open a brown egg and a white egg, they are both the same inside. That what's inside is what matters. She wanted to how and why such things happened, which led me to touch on slavery. Before I finished gently explaining slavery to her...how Africans were brought over on ships and families were sold as workers and sometimes separated forever...she was on the verge of tears. She said, "I just can't hear any more of this! It makes no sense because what you said about the eggs is what is true." And while I didn't like seeing my girl blue, I was sure glad that she sees no difference between peachy skin or brown skin or black skin or yellow skin....that she loves colors and yet she's colorblind.

2 day pass

2012-01-16T09:05:00.004-06:00

we kicked off our weekend by enjoying the winter wonderland that is finally our world.
since t. bone was away with ski club, i took miss bit and her friend sledding.
they trudged up the hill and flew down until dusk descended upon the little mound.
then we retreated for the toasty warmth of cookies hot out of the oven and cocoa heaped with cream.
saturday we bundled up and met grandma and grandpa for a snowy hike in their neck of the woods.
it took us almost 2 hours to travel 2 miles, but then there were plenty of stops for snow angels and snowball ambushes.
bodi probably logged at least 4 miles because he didn't stand still for even a single, split second.
when we stopped to sled and snowboard after our hike, he curled up in a tight little ball on grandpa's seat in the sun and fell fast asleep.
t. bone built a jump and showed us some fancy footwork.
miss bit couldn't seem to stay put in her slippery sled.
the adults couldn't feel their fingers after 3 hours outside and temperatures dropping into the teens.
we stopped at a local establishment to warm up with some cold drinks.
i don't know what to tell ya...it worked.
then we made our way home for the perfect comfort food on a chilly night: homemade bread and hot stew.
the sore throat that was annoying me during the day became impossible to soothe or ignore come night.
i slept very little that night and then almost all day yesterday.
i missed church and basketball, but was thankful for my hubby for picking up my drugs and my slack, my kids for praying for me, and my neighbor for taking miss bit to rollerskate the afternoon away.
instead of homemade pizzas for the playoff game, we ordered in and that was just fine.
today i am feeling so much better...like i am swallowing rocks instead of glass, and instead of feeling sorry for myself that i am sick on this holiday, i am grateful that there is nowhere i need to be today and nothing i have to do.

Grateful Friday

2012-01-13T20:00:00.006-06:00

Today I give thanks for...

SNOW. Our world is finally white. I took the kids to the hill after school yesterday despite the fact that we could still see grass and had only a short window of daylight left. I really didn't want to go out in the cold, wet wind after a long day, but I knew it would make their's and so I did. He tried to snowboard, but there really wasn't enough snow to maneuver, and before long they were both sledding.

I took Miss Bit and her friend again today. There was more snow and many more kids. The girls giggled, got rosy cheeks and decided it was hot cocoa time just as I could no longer feel my fingers.

T. Bone was just as stoked about ski club this week as last week with the fresh powder and all.

He asked me to take him to an area ski hill after school yesterday. When he saw the look on my face he said, "What? If I don't ask, I'll never know." He's got an opportunistic point there.

I scored major points with both kiddos this week when I made a pitcher of their favorite Starbuck's passion fruit lemonade. Homemade it's about $1 per glass, which is a savings of $3 per serving.

Reading the stack of T. Bone's thank yous before sending them today. I think he does such a great job of conveying his gratitude and excitement. Miss Bit is an impressive little writer for the 7 year old she is too.

I deChristmased. It was time.

My new Rickie Lee Jones anthology. It was a gift from my bil this Christmas. There are numerous tracks I do not have on other recordings and I am so swooning over it.

My girl and I are sitting here watching a tear jerking episode of Extreme Makeover Home as if there's any other kind...they are all sob fests. The losses these families endured made her miss her Nanny real bad. We had a good cry and a real, true heart to heart. She told me that she just feels so sad for me that I don't have my Mom and that just blows my mind for a 7 year old to embrace and express such empathy. Then she asked me if I thought that after we went to heaven we can come back as another person with a new life. I wasn't prepared to answer her question especially since I was just a tad verklempt after our exchange so I told her that some people believe that to be true. She claims to be a believer too. She brought up Alice and wanted to hear how she came to be her special friend. I told her she was a gift from Nanny so she would always be as close as a hug away from her best girl...that she was with Nanny until she went to heaven and then she gave her to my Bit. To that my amazing girl said, "And your gift was getting to be her daughter and getting to say goodbye." Wow I say..W.O.W.

Tomorrow we have plans to hike a trail with Grandma, Grandpa and their snow loving lab. Should be fun.

It's a long weekend. We all are lucky to be off on Monday.

2 day pass

2012-01-09T20:14:00.006-06:00

the weekend was just what i needed:
plenty of fresh air logging double digit miles with my man...
ample free time to read and relax...
and quality moments shared with my family.
it was a treat to enjoy an impromptu lunch with just my hubby in the middle of the day saturday and then a spontaneous Italian spread with more family that night.
it was such fun to cheer t. bone on courtside sunday afternoon and then to experience the blue man group with my wide eyed kids at the wee end of the weekend.
weekends like this one refresh and restore thanks to goodness galore.

On My Mind Monday

2012-01-09T06:39:00.002-06:00

There's really no time like the present especially when it's the start of a spanking brand new year.

Checking In

2012-01-07T15:14:00.005-06:00

It has already been a good, full day and the sun is still shining high. I'm here because I have nowhere else I need to be. Well, I could be taking down our Christmas trees, but I don't want to. It's not that I'm dreading the tedium of wrapping and boxing each ornament. No, it's that I'm just not ready...still...yet. I turn the big tree on every morning first thing and I enjoy my coffee in its glowing, peaceful presence. Last year I was so late in being "ready" that our tree sat on the edge of our culvert all winter long because we missed pick up and you need to know that I am proud of that. I don't believe the miracle that is Christmas ends on the 25th.

T. Bone woke up this morning rather sore after breaking in his new totally awesomely rad new snowboard last night. After a pain pill and two perfectly grilled camel's eyes (egg in a hole), he was convinced he could do basketball practice after all. We dropped him downtown at the club and headed due east to walk along the lakefront for a change of pace. The minute we got out of the car I took a whiff of air and swore it smelled exactly like spring. It was another unseasonably nice day, but the wind out of the west was a little biting reminding us that indeed it is just now winter. Hubby and I walked around the lagoon and out along the breakwater for 4+ miles. It was just a great way to start the day. I never knew that they play music when they open the wings of the Calatrava. I do now.

On our way to get T. Bone, we got the call that he hooked up with Uncle B. Bone and wanted to stay and work out more and then go for lunch. I guess that was some pain pill! What that boy won't suffer through to spend time with his Uncle and to get himself some wings. Hubby and I meandered along the side streets finding ourselves at the city's best Italian market only a little by accident. I knew he would love it and I knew he was hungry so I took him in to explore. We bought some fresh pasta, homemade sauce, melt in your mouth Montamore cheese, a bottle of wine and lunch: a mufaletta for him and a meatball sandwich for me. His was better despite the fact that mine was quite delicious too, and thankfully he shared. After we ate, we found ourselves shopping again. We picked up some more sauce and pasta, a couple bottles of Chianti, artichoke fritters, fried ravioli and canolis hoping that my brother and sil will join us for Italian night. They said yes, thankfully.

I set the table, made my Italian vinaigrette and that brings me to here...now.

It brought me to there, but then the phone rang. It was Miss Bit from her sleepover at Aunt L and Uncle L's. She said, "Mom! I have to tell you Alice got surgery. You know that hole in her arm? Well, Aunt L sewed it all up." When I asked if she was OK, she happily reported, "Oh yeah. She used like the exact color thread and you cannot even tell that she ever had a hole. She's as good as new." And that is good news because Alice is very special to Miss Bit. It's her connection to her Nanny. I know the little hole bothered her. I know she was worried that someday Alice would be no more too just like Nanny and neither of us were prepared for that.

I sat back down prepared to muse some more when I heard a cat literally wailing. It sure sounded to be coming from outside. It couldn't be one of my boys I knew because they were cozy inside. But I had to be sure. Check...Tigger was in his favorite afternoon chair, but Peanut...he was nowhere to be found. Then I remembered that I was in the garage about an hour before. I opened the door, and in he ran. That'll teach him.

Just as I sat down again, T. Bone arrived home, asked for a pain pill and made off with my computer. He had very important business to attend to you see. It's called fantasy football.

I'll pardon those interruptions, and I really don't even mind them one bit despite the fact that the moon is on the rise and I am now out of lost time.

Buonanotte.

Grateful Friday

2012-01-06T17:18:00.002-06:00

Today I give thanks for...

A much needed blog break. A respite from this forum. I've been a bit nostalgic and introspective. In looking in and back, I realized I needed to keep some of my thoughts just for myself.

Back to the routine. Monday morning came as a rather rude awakening here at Casa Wags. Both kiddos felt downright assaulted by their alarms, but we survived the battle. This week I discovered the very best way to wake my sleeping beaut is to whisper a little warning in her ear so she knows that soon she has to come unsnuggled. Whether I come back in 5, 10 or 15 minutes, she wakes with a smile. (And if she finds the day's outfit favorable, she may even have a slight spring in her step too.) This morning T. Bone was up before my alarm sounded singing and smiling because after school he has ski club. He was so over the rising sun to try out his awesome new snowboard that I imagine he's skipping through his day.

Ramping up the mileage this week. I even went out for a quick couple miles last night while the rest of my family ran an errand. Let me tell you it helps to have a good book to listen to. I finally finished The Room. It wasn't my favorite. It wasn't particularly well-written although it was interesting. Now I'm on to The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. I can already tell 4 chapters in that I am going to like this novel so much more.

Back to meal planning this week too. Crockpot bbq chicken and almost as good as Bruegger's breakfast sandwiches according to and inspired by T. Bone on this week's menu. The chicken was delish with the perfect baked taters. Here's how: Scrub Russet potato. Pierce 7 times with a fork. Rub with EVOO and then sea salt. Bake at 425 for 1 hour. You will eat the whole thing.

Mugs of hot cocoa with extra marshmallows and clouds of whipped cream even though we're still waiting for the cold and the snow in these parts.

Sharing crocks of sausage corn chowder and spicy tomato soup with friends during the Rose Bowl Monday night. It was a welcome start to the week. Of course, it could have been better with a Badger victory, but we are all still Bucky lovers here at Casa Wags as is evidenced by this Fathead that will soon adorn T. Bone's bedroom/locker room wall!

There's always room for two no matter how cozy the spot. We're seeing much more of this these days.

No more Christmas cookies or leftover birthday cupcakes or buttery scones or homemade donuts or hot out of the oven cheese danish for breakfast. Back on the menu are smoothies and cereal and anything whole or whole grain.

Even without her two front teeth, this girl can still tackle an ear of corn.

Resolve. I've really strayed from stating very specific resolutions at the start of the new year. Let's come clean...we all know that they usually aren't manifested. The minute we divide our wants, desires and dreams into shoulds and should nots we set ourselves up for inevitable failure. Instead I look at the big picture and try to come up with an inspiring mantra that is flexible and all encompassing of the many areas in my life that I wish to change or improve. In 2012, I will be more present. Amen.

For this view on the first day of the new year.

A family movie date for the movies last weekend. The whole row of us gave We Bought A Zoo the big thumbs up. I cried through most of it...both the happy and the sad parts. It's just that kind of a film and I'm just that kind of a sap.

Miss Bit is already packed for her sleepover at her aunt and uncle's this weekend. She's just a wee bit excited.

No kids tonight so hubby and I will take a long walk in the almost spring-like air.

January...a month I so adore for the fact that it makes me feel like cocooning with my new books and newfound Pinterest, and I think I need to say no more.

Welcome New Year

2012-01-01T15:16:00.004-06:00

This past week my blog has taken on the appearance of a photo album. Sure, I have been busy ('tis the season), but I have to come clean and admit that my words have been evading me, sentences ever elusive. No pictures today though because we are all still in our jam jams lounging around the family room watching football while cuddling. It's snowing outside. Finally the ground is white. Of course, the kids go back to school tomorrow, but they have plans to get outside with friends in 2:49 when the game ends. T. Bone has dreams of snowboarding and Miss Bit would like to sled.

Miss Bit just warned, "The Packers are losing, but there's no need to panic."

T. Bone woke at 11:11 just in time to get his fantasy football team in order. Miss Bit didn't grace us with her presence until after noon. We didn't come home to bed until 2012. The party we all vowed we would stay at for only one hour proved much more festive and fun than we anticipated and none of us wanted to leave so we didn't. We cooked the pizza that was going to be supper for breakfast and will play games tonight after dinner. I made two pots of soup because it's just that kind of a day: lazy, cozy, warm, comforting. Hubby doesn't know it, but in 2:18 he'll be starting a fire, making me a hot toddy and letting me win at Scrabble.

This is exactly the kind of day we all needed and the perfect way to welcome the new year.

And Miss Bit was right. With 1:10 left in the game we are now up by 4.

Looking Back on 2011

2011-12-31T13:39:00.002-06:00

JanuaryFebruary

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

Happy 2012. I'm hopeful for another happy year filled with goodness.

Grateful Friday

2011-12-30T22:32:00.004-06:00

Today I give thanks for the abundant blessings of Christmas. I'm still recovering from all the festivities...the food, frolicking and fun. The excitement of the crescendo leads to exhilaration and ultimately to sheer exhaustion, but in looking back as I'm so inclined to do at this late date in the year, it was good...all good. We were all sufficiently spoiled getting more than our fair share of time with family, good eats and yes, thoughtful, generous gifts too.

The memories of our celebrations are presenting themselves to me as moments burned in my brain the same way that images are captured on film. I can see the delight in T. Bone's face when he realized that the big gift he was told was for me was actually for him. It was the size and shape of a snowboard. Let me rephrase that...a real snowboard like the one he asked Santa Claus for not really expecting to get, but so desperately wanting. Santa B. Bone works magic too. Despite the fact that T. Bone was up at 7:00 Christmas morning, he didn't come rouse the rest of us because he was busy "playing with his snowboard." Mind you in his room where there is no snow! He was almost as excited about the longboard on Christmas morning and able to give it a roll precisely because there was no snow. I'm grateful that my kids know how fortunate they are, and that they appreciate gifts large and small, but do not expect them.

I can see the joyful surprise on Miss Bit's face when her Daddy came into the living room with a gift he happened to find in the basement. I'm grateful that although she didn't ask for a keyboard, I knew she would love one. She exclaimed, "I had a feeling I was going to get one of these. I just knew it!" She's been tickling the ivories ever since and eager to start lessons.

I can hear the second graders beautiful rendition of Walking in the Air. It's still sounding in my head in just the sweetest way. I'm grateful that my hubby and I were both in the audience for our girl's performance, and that she finally found us after much nervous crowd searching. We were there to see her...she saw us...she knew.

I can still hear the choir singing Mary Did You Know during the concert before Christmas Eve mass. The same line that opened my floodgates made Miss Bit giggle: And when you kiss your little boy you've kissed the face of God. After church, her Grandma told me she thought the lyrics were And when you kiss your little boy you've chewed a piece of gum. I'm grateful that my in-laws came to church with us and also that my mil carries Kleenex in her purse.

I can smell the dozens of cookies baked over the course of the last couple weeks and wrapped up to share with family, friends, teachers and neighbors. Christmas Eve day we made our annual Santa offerings: sugar cookie cutouts. Even T. Bone got into it again this year. I'm grateful for traditions. I've been baking the same cookies with the exact cookie cutters since I was T. Bone's age.

I can smell the doughnuts warm and freshly powdered on Christmas morning. Santa brought Miss Bit a doughnut maker and she just had to break it in nevermind that I had cranberry scones and berry muffins and cheese danish already made. I'm grateful for the slow start on Christmas Day and time to enjoy our gifts...one another. It was a welcome calm in the seasonal storm.

Christmas Cheer

2011-12-29T22:12:00.007-06:00

Christmas 2011 Outtakes

2011-12-29T21:53:00.004-06:00

Happy Birthday Baby!

2011-12-28T09:21:00.009-06:00

T. Bone woke up on his birthday feeling not just older, but also better. Thankfully, the stomach flu he came down with late Christmas night had finally run its course. I think he would have been happy to hang out at home all day with his cousin mastering all his new games especially since he couldn't break in his awesomely rad new snowboard. It's not recommended to board on grass you see, but I believe he would have if we let him. Instead we headed to an area indoor rink to enjoy another favorite winter sport. Outdoor rinks are still ponds in our neck of the woods. After skating, we went out for my boy's favorite wings. He ate a dozen clean to the bone. Grandma and Grandpa joined us for dinner and then cake afterwards. Although I didn't bake his best one this year, he seemed to enjoy the red velvet and also to be excited to see Blue Man Group next week. When your birthday is 2 days after Christmas and you've been a good boy like my T. Bone, your list gets rather picked over this time of year. It was literally that or nothing. Before bed lastnight, T. Bone came to give me a hug and said, "Thanks for making my day so special." I smiled and thought, "Thanks for making the last 11 years so special."

Farewell Fred...

2011-12-28T09:10:00.005-06:00

It sure has been fun! For one little elf, you certainly have filled our house with big anticipation and many full out belly laughs. We look forward to your return next year and we'll all try to be good while you are gone.

Happy 11...

2011-12-27T13:01:00.005-06:00

to T. Bone...one truly amazing young man who we adore everyday, but celebrate especially today. Happy Birthday to my best boy and thank you for 11 years of joy.

Grateful Friday

2011-12-23T06:57:00.001-06:00

Today I give thanks for...everything. Amen.

All She Wants For Christmas...

2011-12-22T20:54:00.005-06:00

Is her two front teeth! (thanks to her Dad and all.)

Tis' The Season

2011-12-21T07:01:00.002-06:00

A little Christmas meme as seen HERE

1. Egg nog or hot chocolate? Egg nog ala Tom and Jerry which is to say warm with warming libations.
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Depends on what he brings, but if possible, he wraps them.
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Pure, pristine white.
4. Do you hang mistletoe? sometimes.
5. When do you put your decorations up? Throughout the month of December. I like to get the tree up as soon as possible so as to enjoy it. I'm really taking a less is more approach with the rest of the decorations. This year it's lots of greens and lights and I am at total peace with that.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish? It's really too hard to name one. The holidays are all about tradition and what we eat and drink instills within us so many memories. It's not Christmas without a Tom & Jerry, my Mom's spinach stuffed tomatoes or my Grandma's garlicky kielbasa. I need my fairy food fix and a nip or two of my mil's Irish cream so much better than Baileys. Best years boast my Dad and Step-mom's brunches. This is one of them. Boo Ya Baby!
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? New Year's in Door County with the whole fam. Ice skating and game playing and merry making the time away.
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? What truth?!?
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Always. Usually lots.
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? White lights and an eclectic, adored assortment of ornaments collected over decades. Our tree literally tells the story of our life together. I know them all...where they came from, what they mean. They mean much.
11. Snow! Love it or dread it? LOVE it and never apologize for that! My girl shares my snowlust. Come to think of it so does my boy.
12. Can you ice skate? Tentatively. I don't fall as my kids point out, but I take few risks.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? T. Bone. December 27, 2000. An angel. Our angel.
14. What’s the most important thing about the holidays for you? Making magic for my kids and memories with the people I love. Filling my hope tank and giving good will. Paying reverance to Mary and celebrating Jesus.
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Homemade, bite-sized Christmas cookies in all varieties except mincemeat or date.
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Nanny ornaments and Christmas Eve Mass and Fred and Breakfast with Santa and Advent and apparently I love them all.
17. What tops your tree? A simple golden star.
18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? Giving! Duh! There's nothing that feels better than knowing you have gotten it just right, or even almost.
19. Candy canes: yuck or yummy? Usually pretty yummy!
20. Favorite Christmas show? I have always been fond of Elf and The Polar Express. New to us this year and now esteemed are Prancer and A Christmas Story.
21. Saddest Christmas song? Something about Mama's shoes.
22. What is your favorite Christmas song? O Come O Come Emmanuel and Joy to the World as sung by the congregation as we turn from being reverant to exhuberant. I get chills every single year. The good kind. Also on repeat are Winter Song sung by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson, Audrey Assad's Winter Snow, Dave Matthew's Christmas Song and Coldplay's Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. (I'd link to them, but at present I'm hating hyperlinks.)

Fabulous, Funny and Most of All Feisty...

2011-12-20T07:00:00.001-06:00

That's our Fred!

2 day pass

2011-12-19T20:44:00.003-06:00

it cannot be.

over.

already.

we've joyfully begun the single digit countdown to christmas begrudingly.

yes, it's true we cannot wait for it to get here and yet we want it to take it's slow sweet time in coming.

speaking of sweet...pounds of butter became dozens of cookies this weekend.

spicy sugary gingerbread boys have been making their annual appearance since my own childhood.

this year i added my aunt's kris kringles because we all loved them, a polish jam cookie in honor of my grandma, a coconut almond number to please aunt jess, and a dutch chocolate variety for plain selfish reasons.

i'm still thinking about 1 or 3 others.

it's a sickness really.

miss bit packed up and was very pleased to visit grandma and grandpa from saturday to sunday.

she was excited to hot tub, watch movies and go shopping.

and also to have her grandparents all to her very self.

saturday t. bone played in a basketball tournament.

i was finally able to cheer him on courtside.

after 1 victory and 2 close losses, he was off to a college basketball game with friends.

then me and my boys went to a holiday party and t. bone spent the night.

sunday me and my girl had a date.

we headed to the children's theater for a holiday play.

after the show, we stopped for a hot chocolate at the bustling downtown coffee house and sat watching the skaters as we sipped.

miss bit wanted to go to the van and get our skates despite the fact we weren't really dressed for the rink.

instead we took the long way home to ooh and aah and tra la la la over the houses all aglow and vowed to visit the rink real soon....listening to the king sing blue christmas made me finally feel all red and green with seasonal spirit.

while we were away, the boys did a little shopping and watched a little football.

or lots of football...dinner wasn't even started when we got home after 6:00...ahem.

one and all were happy that aunt jess stopped in at just the right time to join us.

it was t. bone's advent ticket choice: chicken wings with the special sauce st. nick brought, oven fries and sauteed spinach, and we all enjoyed it.

we all enjoyed the meal, the time with family and friends, and the weekend that is to say.

Grateful Friday

2011-12-16T17:25:00.001-06:00

Today I give thanks for...

An engaging book to listen to while I walk. It prompted me to bundle up after dinner last night and go for a walk in the cold dark. I took it mile by mile and ended up going 4.
Listening to a Diana Krall Christmas album on the way to work this morning. There's no way not to slow down and soak in her sultry voice. Miss Bit was even entranced and dreaming of one day being able to play the piano like Diana.
Getting my favorite hand and foot lotion from a friend this week.
Watching Prancer with my girl the other night while the boys were at basketball and then remembering to read Reindeer Moon with her the next.
Also remembering that Christmas as in the Christmas season doesn't end at midnight on the 25th. We have 12 days for the epiphany to carry on and on.
Surprising the kids with a baggie of homemade favorites in their lunches after a long afternoon of baking. I'm getting a reputation with their friends.
Staying up late when everyone else is tucked in bed...just me and Peanut who watched me bake and begged for buckeyes eventhough he doesn't like peanut butter or chocolate.
Miss Bit finding the letter Fred typed for Santa last night since it was too windy to get back to the North Pole. She couldn't believe he could write so much and would know how to email.

Peanut watching over Joe the other day while I cleaned out his bowl.

T. Bone has been a voracious reader the past couple weeks. Wherever he is, his book is nearby and he's constantly boasting, "Guess what page I'm on now?"

Modeling Aunt C's sparkly scarf. Miss Bit approves.

Miss Bit's breakfast of perfect choice.

Tom & Jerry's and egg nogs.

Mercury glass and sparkling crystal.

Christmas lights and candlelight.

handmade snowflakes and homemade cut-out cookies.

hugs and kisses.

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

2011-12-14T18:12:00.003-06:00

Miss Bit and I took the long way home after dropping T. Bone at school this morning. It was a peaceful and pretty route. We were just cruising along the river road singing away until we spotted some big old Tom turkeys strutting on a lawn. She said with a sigh of relief, "I'm sure glad they didn't get eaten for Thanksgiving." The chorus coming through the radio rang, "It's the hap-happiest season of all," yet Miss Bit looked so suddenly sad. Then she said rather than asked, "But we only eat the old ones that are about to die right." Sure, right.

I was out to do a little shopping later in the day and I couldn't believe how crabby everyone was...shoppers and workers alike. One clerk stuffed my large purchase in a very small bag. I couldn't grab the handles on either side kind of very small. You know it? It didn't take long to bust out the bottom leaving me in a precarious position. At least 9 people passed me in aisle 9 before a nice man offerred to help me contain the contents. Guess what was going through my mind? You got it..."And hearts will be glowing." Tempers too. As I was leaving the store, the bell ringer with the red bucket uttered an expletive at me for not depositing any spare change with my free hands and all. "With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings." I'll keep to myself what I wanted to tell him.

Then I stopped at 4 different markets trying in earnest to find candied cherries for a cookie recipe. You would have thought I was asking for an obscure treasure based on the looks I received. And don't ask for any tissue paper with your gift. That's even more rare than sugared fruit. You're lucky to get a roomy enough box. "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

"There'll be parties for hosting...marshmallows for toasting and caroling out in the snow." What snow? It's been hovering around 50 degrees all week long. It's been so warm that ski club is cancelled Friday and this morning Miss Bit and I spotted a duck swimming around the pond that was...is to be the ice skating rink. I saw someone running along the lakefront in shorts and a tank this morning.

Weather aside I know it's Christmas time because the cards have started to arrive in the mail. What is the point of a picture card with thumbprint sized pictures that are impossible to make out? Do these well wishers want to be sure that recipients know of all the year's travels and milestones? I look forward to nice family picture so to you offenders I say remember less is more. "When friends come to call."

On My Mind Monday

2011-12-12T07:10:00.003-06:00

Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at it's zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters decend upon us.

- Ralphie

A Christmas Story

Miss Bit and I finished watching this movie after school on Friday. There were lots of other things that I could have or should have been doing, but they all paled in comparison to cuddling up on the couch with my girl and a bowl of popcorn. As long as I have many more simple shared moments like this one, I'll have all the revelry I need this Christmas season and then some.

2 day pass

2011-12-11T21:39:00.006-06:00

the weekend was filled, festive and fun.
t. bone managed to come home from ski club friday night with no money or injuries, all his gear and two badly aching feet.
after an advil, some ice and a few cuddles he was feeling better.
miss bit came home from her spa birthday party with blue finger and toe nails, a headful of sassy curls and a much coveted green feather.
i didn't even recognize her when i went to pick her up and that is the truth.
i saw this joyful little girl dancing her heart out in a circle of friends, and i wondered who she was with envy.
luckily, turns out it was my lil.
very first thing saturday we made our way north to drink hot cocoa with clouds of whipped cream, eat copious amounts of bacon and spend a little time with some of our favorite friends, and santa too, of course.
the big guy remembered us from year's past making quite an impression, at least, on the parents.
this year the youngest amongst us came amply prepared.
last year he presented santa with a marked up toy flyer.
this year he brought along a big book filled with trains he wants for his tracks.
santa was ever engaging and patient too.
t. bone sat upon santa's lap and cried, "woo hoo."
when he told santa he wanted a new snowboard, santa asked, "have you looked outside?'
outside where the sun was shining high over the still unfrozen lake.
it looked more like spring than almost winter even if it was only 19 degrees.
we stopped for a little christmas cheer in the regal great room before heading home.
next year we all agreed we need to stay the night in order to prolong the fun.
we rushed home and were still too late to get miss bit to her friend's birthday party.
hubby was kind to race her the 30 miles to the waterpark.
she only missed cake, but i'm pretty sure she was still full of breakfast: strawberries and bacon, and had no room for dessert.
t. bone also had a birthday party to attend which involved watching our indoor soccer team play and pizza.
these kids...i'm telling you they never have anything to do.
my brother and sil came for an impromptu gathering.
we enjoyed their company and our favorite takeout tacos.
my boys left before my alarm went off for sunday morning basketball.
two more victories were earned and celebrated.
while miss bit attended sunday school, i went for a long, fast walk along the lake and around the lagoon.
it was 47 beautiful degrees so i had plenty of company.
hubby took advantage of the weather and finished decorating the outside of the house before chilling with t. bone to cheer on our still indefeated football team.
when i came home with my bit who had played the afternoon away at her self-proclaimed bff's, i could see as i turned onto our block...this is his best light job ever.
the house was a glowing although not in the griswold sort of way.
i brought home some very pretty paper snowflakes my craft queen of a friend kindly made for me and a hot, greasy pizza ready to be eaten.
after dinner, me and my girl trimmed the tree while the boys lounged on the couch serenading us with christmas carols and kindly directing us to bare spots.
no one has found the pickle yet.
may never.
the rest of the house is already in bed after the go go go weekend.
i'm sitting here enjoying our tree of memories and the peace and quiet of a sleeping house.
i'm literally too mesmerized and too tried to get up and go to bed.

Grateful Friday

2011-12-09T07:30:00.005-06:00

Today I give thanks...

That my tree is still standing and my cats are not crushed.

Advent. This year's calendar is much fun and very inspiring. T. Bone turned in his do an extra chore ticket the other day after dusting the master bedroom. Miss Bit redeemed her lend someone a helping hand ticket after helping her Dad shop and then unload the groceries. Both kiddos were very proud of their good deeds.

Cooking comfort food. My Mom's tuna casserole and Martha's chicken pot pie. Everyone ate the pot pie happily and hubby even requested another soon. I pretty much had the tuna all to myself just the way I like it.

Simplicity and snippets from my own childhood. This was our nativity.

Baking has begun. Taking it day by day or pound of butter by pound of butter. Don't know how many family favorites I'll get to, but that's just fine.

T. Bone geared up for snowboarding tonight. He likes his colorful, patterned get up, and spent his own money on a new pair of goggles.

Sharing scarves. Peanut wrapped in Miss Bit's. And sharing mittens too. This morning my girl begged to wear my new fuzzy mitten/glove combos and she's quite impossible to deny.

Report Cards. Both kids worked hard and did stellarly. T. Bone got all As!!!
My Dad's soups. A bowl of his turkey chili for lunch this week perfect after a long, cold walk.
Sweet St. Nick's treats left on my doorstep by a kind and sneaky friend.
Hubby went on a much neeeded Costco run even if it is more expensive when he does the shopping.
A Martha Stewart Holiday book for sale at the library.
Miss Bit blew her wad. Almost all the allowance she has saved this fall on a gift for her brother. Her Daddy tried to gently nudge her to a less expensive choice, but she would have no part of it because she wanted to give him what he really wanted. Wow my girl totally gets it!
T. Bone got us up at 6:20...yes, 6:20 on Tuesday morning so excited was he to see what St. Nick left. After the boys left, Miss Bit and I had plenty of time to cuddle on the couch and read her new Bad Kitty book.
The little things. She went to school wearing her new striped scarf, sparkly belt, earrings and head band on St. Nick's Day.
The other day my girl said, "There's literally 18 days until Christmas!" with some surprise. I responded, "That will go fast." To which she replied, "I dunno Mama. You do know there's 24 hours in a day!?" Priceless.
Tix. to see Junie B. with Miss Bit next week scored with coupons.
Breakfast with Santa Saturday.
Movie nights this week. The Nightmare Before Christmas one night and A Christmas Story another, or half of it thus far. We're loving little Ralphie.
The way the house looks and feels with only the Christmas lights on.
Snow. Best when the flakes are big and billowy and the ground too warm for any accumulation.
My Candy Cane Shakes.
This message from Miss Bit last weekend while she was away: "Hi, It's Miss Bit. I'm just calling to say goodnight to Mom. Goodnight. Thank you." It was 11:00 and I was already in bed!

Busy

2011-12-08T07:46:00.001-06:00

I made a pact with myself.

I said self, refrain from using the word busy.
When people ask you how you are, DO NOT say the B word no matter how applicable it feels.
don't let it cross your lips.
It sounds so obnoxious.
Obnoxious in a my mama can beat up your mama or my house is bigger than your house way.
Let's be real here...everyone is busy.
And let's be honest, each one of us is as busy as we choose to be careers and family dynamics aside.
So if we accept 24 party invitations, decide to bake 8 dozen of 15 different kinds of cookies, buy tickets to the Nutcracker, The Christmas Carol, and Breakfast with Santa, put up and decorate 2, 3, 6 trees, and shop every single sale all on top of the demands of daily life (and I'm not going there today because that's another whole rant for sure), then I'm sorry but I have only one thing to say. We asked for it! Please tell me what did you expect? Is this not what you wanted?

If you think I'm being unfairly harsh, do me a favor. Keep track of how many people say busy and then go on and on to detail their laundry list of activities and commitments when you ask them how they are. They carry on like it's them against the world and oh but my aren't they important and in demand and somehow better than you, and in my head I'm saying, 'I'm so sorry for you.'

And PLEASE, but really busy is WHAT they are not HOW. Proper responses to the question how are you include happy or sad, hot or cold, annoyed or amused.

And when I ask someone how they are and they say the B word, I am not very amused at all.

Extraordinary Ordinary

2011-12-07T08:14:00.002-06:00

Last night we went to a local tree lot to pick out a tree. We literally took the first Frasier Fir we saw. It was perfect so what was the point in looking for better? When we heard they were $10 off, we almost bought two (kidding). I missed the traipsing through the snow through the rows of trees in search of THE one, watching T. Bone ambush his Grandpa with snowballs and Miss Bit make snow angels, taking our annual musical hat photos, and then caravanning back to a nearby watering hole for a little Christmas cheer. Sadly, this year we had to skip our tradition to get trees with Grandma and Grandpa in their neck of the woods lest we want to wait until New Years to put it up. And truth be told, there's no snow to traipse through or play in and I know we will don our silly hats to take pictures another time. Hubby smartly suggested we stop at our own local establishment to carry on the tradition of sharing some Christmas cheer. When we entered to see a complimentary wing buffet, it seemed as if it were meant to be. T. Bone snubbed the wings..."too spicy," he declared while Miss Bit licked her plate clean.

While hubby got the tree in a pail of water, I cued up the movie. We all settled in to watch A Nightmare Before Christmas. About 5 minutes in Miss Bit asked, "When's the action going to start?" She wasn't much enthralled by the psychedelic singing underworld. T. Bone was glued to the I Pad ogling over goggles. The more kaleidoscopic the better. He starts ski club Friday even though we have no snow. At least it's cold so they can make some. It's cold outside, but snuggled up beside Miss Bit I was toasty and warm.

Yesterday was really the best kind of day. An extraordinary ordinary day. Nothing special, and yet filled with precious prizes.

I have high expectations for today too. As I write here from my office, otherwise known as the kitchen table, I cannot help but laugh at the critters who have literally worn a path from the pines to the stump we call the buffet. The grass still a subtle shade of green for the most part is tramped down and russet colored on the route they travel all day long. A hawk is sitting quite still, except for his quick darting beady eyes, on a low branch on the outskirts of the yard. Clouds have covered the sun since she rose. I'm eager to get out and walk on this day that looks and feels like just what it is: one of the last days of fall. Then I'll come home and do a little baking, but I don't have to make dinner because last night's (pot pie) has become tonight's. After school, we'll shop for goggles, do homework and finish watching our movie. After dinner, we'll put up the tree. Before bed, we'll give thanks for another extraordinary day and pray for more of just the same.

St. Nick Stops Here

2011-12-06T10:20:00.007-06:00

'Twas the morning after St. Nick,
when the sun had yet to rise
Surely it was a dirty little trick
T. Bone was urging us to wipe the sleep from our still so tired eyes.

We descended the stairs with severe cases of bad hair
only to find that the stockings hung the night before by the chimney with care,
Were full to over-brimming,
Showing that indeed St. Nicholas had been there.

Stuffed with sweet treats, spicy sauce and a few toys for the boy,
Abundant with swirly candy, pretty polish and frou frou frills for the girl,
Filled with new mice and fresh fish for the furry faces.
All four children emptied their stockings with smiles making sure to leave no traces.

Miss Bit and T. Bone redeemed their Advent tickets once they were through
for mugs of steaming hot cocoa with extra mallows on the cold December morn
Over sticky pastries and red berries,
We talked a bit of Jesus for us who was born.

We welcomed Fred home for as long as he stays,
and all hope our resident elf leaves with only stories of praise,
Tales of good deeds and kind acts
of fulfilling needs and peaceful pacts.

Seldom do we see such good will and excitement to start the day.
The magic of Christmas certainly makes us feel this very special way.

2 day pass

2011-12-05T21:21:00.007-06:00

the weekend was in a word...quiet.

well, except for the carols sounding through the house.

could not get enough of this one or that one.

i pretty much had the house all to myself for the most of it save for my furry little elves who took it upon themselves to help me decorate...or more like undecorate.

miss bit cheerfully spent the entire weekend with grandpa and mostly grandma doing all things christmas...cookies with santa, shopping, muppets.

t. bone was on the phone with grandpa making plans to do all things guy...wings and football and hikes with the dog...before his friend was out the door saturday morning after a friday night sleepover.

hubby left as the day dawned saturday for a road trip to watch our badgers clinch the big ten championship.

everything's coming up roses baby!

he was like a kid at christmas getting his picture taken with some of his favorite players after the game.

it was all good.

yes, all.

i was happy for the time alone so i could take my time decorating what is now called nanny's tree.

no surprise it was a little emotional for me in a peaceful and reverant light.

i passed up an invite to join my family and another to join my friends to stay home.

i was basking not wallowing.

it was good.

all good.

early to bed and early to rise.

jess and i joined for a refreshing morning loop around the park nearby first thing sunday morn.

from there i was energized all day to take care of some of my shopping, and a little more decorating too.

hubby couched it and the kids didn't make it home until almost bedtime.

boy were they ready for bed.

it was all good.

yes, all good.

Dear Santa,

2011-12-04T11:44:00.002-06:00

Yes, they do know how to use their manners, that Mr. Claus has millions of households to visit and that even Mom doesn't have a fancy phone. No, they do not expect to get everything on their lists, but you cannot blame them for asking and hoping because they know that Santa's magic makes things happen for good little girls and boys. Darn right I exploit their sweet naivety to ensure that we have a December that is as peaceful as possible. Truly, it's a win win in all our books.

Grateful Friday

2011-12-02T08:29:00.007-06:00

Today I give thanks for...

It's Friday. Miss Bit declared herself "So relieved" by this fact from the backseat this morning.

Operation Tree Stand last night. I bid on and won this little tree at a charity event. It's going to be a blue Christmas in my dining room this year. Come to think of it blue is the perfect color since I plan to decorate it with my Mom's ornaments. After a fun night with my Aunt and Jess, I brought the tree home, plugged it in, and sat in silent reverance until my cats tried to take it down and spoiled the moment.

Miss Bit's pretty in pink tree is up too. Now looking at this photo, I see that Peanut was very involved in that project as well. Miss Bit knelt on an ornament and it shattered into many sharp pieces, thus reducing her to tears. It was a gawdy peace sign left by St. Nick last year so it could have been worse...more sentimental, but her's is a sensitive soul.

Enjoying Szechuan noodles and buffalo chicken enchiladas this week.

A friend picked up our treadmill, took it to be repaired and then delivered it just because he could. I am also grateful we didn't surrender it as useless.

Plans to take Miss Bit to the children's theater this month for a Junie B. Christmas play. When I asked her she said, "Oh YES! I love going to plays."

My hubby is going to Indy to cheer on the Badgers Saturday. T. Bone wanted to go too, but he seems content with making plans to watch the big game with his Gramps.

Miss Bit will be away enjoying Grandma and Grandpa's whirlwind Christmas weekend. She is very excited and it sounds like Grandma is too. My girl...my kids are blessed to have grandparents who think spending time with them is a gift. I'm going to savor a calm, quiet house immensely and consider that a gift too.

T. Bone came to the car in tears the other day. He was written up by his homeroom teacher. It was his first infraction and he wasn't happy about it. Apparently, the night before he was to have a parent fill out a survey. He was late getting home after a play date then practice then a JV game and forgot all about it. He took it upon himself to fill out the survey on our behalf. The survey was to get feedback on the appropraite amount of homework and whether or not students were being challenged. He didn't want a late assignment on his clean record. Oh, and if the survey was returned the next day he earned a homework pass for a night. I want to say that he learned his lesson.

Letters to Santa are signed although not sealed or delivered. They are also so sweet.

Since each one of the many stores I stopped at were out of Advent calendars, I had to make my own. I think it will be a new tradition.

St. Nick comes next week. I L-O-V-E the morning of December 6th!

The connection that this kid has with this cat. They are really quite smitten with one another.

He's also smitten with peppermint ice cream especially served out of a pretty glass dish on top of the counter by hand.

An afternoon at the art museum. Inspired and baffled by the beauty and the creativity.

T. Bone decided on Tuesday that he wanted a haircut on Wednesday. This is the before picture that he asked me to take. There's no after because it looks just about the same even $20 bucks later.

Big Gray snacking on a petite painted pumpkin.

Real life lawn ornaments.

Double trouble.

November's End

2011-11-30T08:51:00.006-06:00

Although the sun is shining high this morning, it is crisp and downright cold. At this time of year, the brightest days can also be the harshest. Mind you this is not a post about the weather, but present climatic conditions certainly do serve as a metaphor for what's going on in my mind and heart. Every year I struggle like so many others with that flip of the switch change from being humbled by gratitude to floating with joy. Gentle November urges quiet introspection. Debaucherous December tempts us to burn the candle at both ends day after day...night after long night. There are parties and cookie swaps and secret Santas and pageants and concerts and in the midst of all this good revelry, I yearn to slow down and savor the moments not just rush to and through each one to the next. I have a yen for simple family traditions and shared memories, soaking in the solitude and reflecting on what this joy season really means the other 47 odd weeks of the year.

Let's face it...sunny days can be bitter cold and seasons of joy can be times of great sorrow. It's a light and happy time of year, but that may have an astringent affect on someone who is in a place of sadness. It can literally feel like an assault. And honestly, who amongst us doesn't experience both joy and sorrow in each day? I do and I'm grateful for that. The down yos have made me ever mindful of the up yos. I have learned to respect the difficult times. By living through them, I have truly come to appreciate happiness: peace and harmony. I don't want to go all cliche here, but I am a believer that without sorrow, one cannot fully know joy. It's exactly why this season, at times reverent and others raucous, brings forth in me a flood of emotions. The call to endless joy and elation resurrects wells of deep and unending sadness. Kahlil Gibran pays perfect homage to the yin and yang that is pleasure and pain.

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say,
"Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board,
remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver,
needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

I have no doubt that December will be filled to the brim and overflowing with goodness, gaiety and wonder, but I also know that there will be times heavy with melancholy and wrought with woe. I'm making it my mission this month to give them all their due. To sit with worry...to bask in glory...to embrace ennui...to meet mirth...and to share solace. They all have earned their time and place and have much to teach and give.

Scenes From The Weekend

2011-11-28T21:26:00.008-06:00

2 day pass

2011-11-28T20:26:00.007-06:00

the holiday weekend which began wednesday was long and lovely...
really the way they all should be in my perfect world and probably yours too.
truth be told...i'm paying for all the fun.
today i'm dog tired and dragging.
i'm also a tad blue and missing my extended family and old friends.
it's hard not to feel lonely after much togetherness.
thanksgiving was a day of turkey, thanks and tradition.
it's truly one of my favorites.
so in that spirit we embarked on our annual before the feast four miler in anticipation of all the good eats of the holiday.
then we traveled over the river and through the woods to my dad and step mom's arriving shortly after kick off for the other f word of the day...football.
at half time the lab of the house revealed that he is rivaling air bud and hoping to become air bodie.
soon the house was filled with family and then our tummies filled with food.
most everyone in my family likes to cook and can do so well.
i'm especially grateful for this on thanksgiving day.
some of us can play a mean game of pictionary too.
the day after the festivities the girls met at the public market for a little lunch.
no one ordered turkey.
then we went on to visit the art museum making the most of our 2 hour time frame.
we got through the visiting impressionism exhibit and spent time with a few other favorites.
back at the hotel, miss bit saw santa who arrived by fire truck to light the tree in the grand and festive lobby.
the same lobby that was festooned with pumpkins and fall foliage just the day before and was overnight a sea of poinsettias, dog wood, holly and ivy.
miss bit later told her grandma that santa who arrived sleighless was no faker.
to her discerning, wide as saucer eyes, he was the real deal.
after a quick swim on the 22nd floor, we were off again to be wined and dined by and with family.
we gathered by the fire for warm chili and crusty bread thanks to my brother and his wife.
t. bone and miss bit were toast on the couch too tired to even eat their pizza.
i had grand plans to make a frou frou breakfast before bed for my friends coming early the next day, but at the end of the day...the end of the night, i was totally tuckered out too.
strong coffee, fresh fruit and day old bakery would just have to do.
we have this same time next year thing going strong... a standing saturday after thanksgiving date.
we talk a blue streak trying to make up for lost time, but of course, there's never enough of it...time that is to say.
the kiddos disappear into the playroom to become reacquainted which takes all of 2 minutes.
another friend from college joined us and it was good to see her for it had been far too long.
we spent much of our time crying and commiserating.
so sadly, this was her first thanksgiving without her mom and unfortunately i knew just how she felt.
after she left, i was emotionally exhausted so i crawled in bed and napped for hours and i never sleep during the day.
i could have slept straight through the night, but we had dinner reservations with the whole fam at 7 so we gussied up and hurried out to my cousins favorite italian joint in town.
it did not disappoint and we all ordered well.
although there's no lazy susan, we managed to share our plates and it's the best way to eat in my opinion.
we ended the evening at a local speakeasy.
my kids had to do the chicken dance to gain entry since they didn't have the password.
that was humorous, but having to pay a cover charge for them was not.
we stayed long enough to explore a bit.
miss bit found the dance floor.
t. bone bellied up to the poker table to play for drinks.
he did not redeem any.
they both thought that was quite the adventure.
should make for interesting journal writing at school this week.
hopefully no one calls child protective services.
sunday was not the day of rest we all needed, but it was good all in all.
t. bone had not 1, but 2 early morning away games.
grandpa showed up in the stands for the 8 o'clocker.
i was still cozy in bed.
i know i'm not getting mother of the year after this weekend.
miss bit and i convened with family (grandpa and the girls) once again eager to eke out as much time together as possible before cousins headed home east and west.
this time at the italian deli for muffalettas, fried ravioli and articholes, fresh baked pizza, italian cookies and gelato, although not necessarily in that order.
me and my girl arrived home after dark for a few hours of downtime.
we found the boys watching football in chicken wing coma.
apparently the celebrated their victories (yes, plural) at bw3.
it was early to bed for all 4 of us and when the morning came, we still didn't want to wake, rise and wipe the sleep out of our eyes.
i'm hoping i feel more rested and less nostalgic tomorrow.
after all, tis the season.
tis the season of joy and good cheer.
in 27 days christmas will be here.

Thanks

2011-11-24T07:44:00.002-06:00

For each new morning with its light,

For rest and shelter of the night,

For health and food, for love and friends,

For everything Thy goodness sends.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy Thanksgiving.

Folks At The Fair

2011-11-22T07:56:00.004-06:00

Miss Bit and myself were eager to attend the holiday folk fair Sunday after church. T. Bone...hmmm not so much. You see he was missing his Packers who were playing while we wanted him to wander around with us girls. The nerve! Adding insult to injury was the fact that I insisted he keep on his church clothes for the occasion. One would have thought he was being asked to wear a three piece suit instead of the jeans and a button down he had on. Needless to say, he never took off his Badger fleece and didn't find it amusing when I joked that he could be costume-clad and ready to perform like so many other boys in attendance.

As we made our way to the entrance, a taxi dropped off an older gentleman who was, indeed, rather dressed up for the event. Hearing our chatter, he called out to us to inquire if he was near the door seeing as how he couldn't see. He was blind. We helped guide him to the entrance, which was still at a distance and all wondered how he would manage to get around an unfamiliar venue crowded with people and booths. Both T. Bone and Miss Bit piped up that they thought we should "help" our new friend by taking him around the fair. The earnestness in their eyes prompted me to pause for a moment. They wanted nothing more than to show kindness to a stranger in need. My beneficence was further from the surface. Come to think of it I was more worried about offending him in some way and that made me uncomfortable. We were all saved from our consciences when another man (friend? guide?) offered him an arm and off they went.

Off we went as well. Our first stop was to sign up for a raffle where we were harassed by a cantankerous booth attendee. I think his badgering was in good fun, but it was a little off-putting. He asked T. Bone who Hitler was, and was surprised...perhaps even impressed when he knew. That was our golden ticket into the fair. According to him, 90 some odd percent of youth ages 10-18 don't have a clue who Hitler was. He claimed that the most frequently given answer is that he is a rock star. If that's true, it's truly sad.

The very next booth we came upon displayed rocks from all over the world, and the first rock we looked at was from a small village in Denmark. This little village just happened to be the setting for the work of literary fiction T. Bone just finished reading about the Nazis. It was creepy in a cool, uncanny way.

To say the least, it was a connect the dots afternoon of very few degrees of separation and I came home feeling certain of what I already know to be true. Clearly, we are connected by fewer links than we think. Six degrees seems like far too many at times. And what difference does the number make at the end of the day because on some level we can all relate in one way or another? That blind man is some one's son. The abrasive volunteer is some one's brother. The maker of Polish floral wreaths is some one's grandmother.

The persistent Russian who claimed my aunt was the doppelganger of his erstwhile classmate still living in his homeland happened to be a relative of one of Miss Bit's classmates. The patient Japanese woman who helped my son pick out an origami boat used to set-up a step for me at the Y. My daughter's Filipino Sunday school teacher was on the lookout for the Danish booth where she hoped to get the same open faced lobster sandwich she enjoyed last year, but she stopped long enough to greet Miss Bit.

I'm not going all kumbaya here, but it just strikes me how we are more alike than we often think and how we all want the same thing: to feel a part of something bigger... a family, a team, a community. But...BUT we are often reluctant to reach out and make connections for the fear of offending or worse yet, being offended. Offended by rejection. At the end of the day, we all just want to count...to matter...to feel good about our daily contributions.

So there you have it. The folk fair proved to be fun and tasty and a little bit frustrating if...IF you were T. Bone. We ran into a friend of my aunt's who updated us on the score of the game he was reluctantly DVRing so he could be part of our family for the afternoon. She casually said it. He promptly cried. I brightly blushed. She sweated the small stuff. I threatened to accidentally hit delete. He soon shaped up. And now...NOW I have a darn good story to tell to my grandkids one day. And who knows...he may end up marrying her daughter far away in the future and we'll all laugh together at the uncanny coincidence of how we first met. Stranger things have and will happen.

2 day pass

2011-11-21T18:31:00.003-06:00

i welcomed the weekend with a hint of nostaglia.
family that we don't often see arrived from across the lake...
my mom's brother and his wife.
then we went out for pizza to a place i've been going as long as i can remember.
it was my mom's favorite and probably mine too although it wasn't the same without my mom and extra cheese and sausage the way she was always sure to order it.
next time i'll order right.
it's been remodeled so it looked different, and the juke box didn't work so it sounded not the same too.
saturday we woke up to a grey, shivery scene.
the boys stayed home to watch football together.
the girls went out to do some shopping.
miss bit had $20 and although she considered a cozy ten dollar scarf, an out of her league key charm necklace, and a diary, she ended up with a jelly belly snack and two beanie boos.
corky and daisy are her newest plush pals because she only has 500 or so in her collection.
of course, she scored a few other goodies because she's so sweet that sometimes I like to spoil her.
plus she doesn't ask and she is always full of thanks.
plus if nanny were here it would be way worse...nanny even told me so the last time i talked to her.
my aunt and uncle met friends for dinner so i heated up leftover soup for the kids and poured another glass of wine to have with my cheese and crackers because what was left of the brie my aunt brought could simply not go to waste.
plus cheese and crackers may just be my favorite meal of all.
after sunday school, the kids and i had a date with another adored aunt at the holiday folk fair which sort of deserves its own post.
stay tuned.
the food was fabulous...gyros, crepes, churros, rice balls and a slice of pizza for the less adventurous among us.
guess who?
i cannot tell, but she sure is cute.
some of the entertainment was entertainingly good, and some was a tad hokey even though it had little to do with the pokey.
hubby came home without a deer in time for a steamy, cheesy pan of lasagna.
we visited until too late on a school night with my aunt and uncle, but it's a short week of work which will be our saving grace.

On My Mind Monday

2011-11-21T07:53:00.000-06:00

WE'RE ALL MAD HERE.

- The Cheshire Cat

Shhh...sometimes I wish I could emerge from the rabbit hole and discover it's all just a dream.

Grateful Friday

2011-11-18T07:50:00.002-06:00

Today I give thanks for...

T. Bone helping Miss Bit with her homework last night so I could do some cooking and cleaning in preparation for company.

The house has been spruced, scoured and spit shined.

My Aunt and Uncle arrive today for a weekend visit. Now Miss Bit can stop asking, "How many days until Aunt C. and Uncle P. get here?"

Molly Ringwald's book Getting the Pretty Back. It's my pick-up line go to this week. It's full of advice and tips, but it's light and funny...not preachy. It makes me wish Molly was one of my good girlfriends.

15 miles thus far this week and a new route around the park close to our neighborhood. Sometimes a change of scenery is the only thing one needs.

Last night while Miss Bit had swim lessons, I took off in the chill of the night for a walk in the neighborhood by the school. It was energizing. BTW she passed out of the breast stroke and is the only one in her class that has graduated to the butterfly.

A fun, festive and tasty dinner last weekend in honor of my man and his Mom's birthdays. The Ho Ho cake I served for dessert was a huge hit too.

The sentiment of last Sunday's sermon has stayed with me all week. If you live with your focus only on your needs, it manifests itself in fear. Fear that you will never have enough. If you live with your focus always on your desires, it manifests itself in greed. You will always want more and never have contentment. Think you reap what you sow.

T. Bone referred to himself as "A little Dr. Phil" this week. Needless to say, I still did not confess my problems to him. I laughed instead.

When Miss Bit and I got in the car this morning, Sleigh Ride Together With You was on the radio. She said, "W-H-A-T!? Christmas music?" Then we sang carols the whole way to school and had a merrier morning because of it.

Thoughts to attend the holiday parade tomorrow and plans to go to the holiday folk festival with my Aunt L. and the kiddos. Tomorrow's movie night is Prancer. I'm starting to stock up on seasonal spirit.

My new soft and beautiful sweater shawl.

Soup weather. This week a crock of pea soup and a pot of chicken vegetable.

T. Bone added fitness club to his after school regimen this week along with guitar club, homework club and basketball.

Miss Bit's final Jazzercize performance was this week. She is so serious about strutting and shimmying on the stage. and just for the record...my girl has some serious moves.

Hubby is away with the men in his family for a weekend of bonding in the northwoods. I know he looks forward to this every year. It's neat how they carry on the tradition.

Psalm 118:24

2011-11-15T08:24:00.006-06:00

Yesterday was not a good day. I didn't sleep much Sunday night because my feelings were hurt. Sadness and sleeplessness often add up to a whole lotta hopelessness. Time and tears heal though. So do 10 hours of a much needed deep sleep. The sun is shining this morning and I am feeling restored. Today is a late start day so we have the luxury of a slow start. I snuck downstairs a few minutes ago hoping to have a little time to plot and plan the rest of the week before the kids woke, but Miss Bit was only steps behind me so eager to show off the loot the Tooth Fairy left her overnight. Two bucks and a pink, bug eyed monkey to dangle from her backpack....a 7 years old's definition of bling. She's as happy as I've seen her in days. T. Bone's equally as happy because I just put a plate of perfectly cooked pancakes in front of him with a side of strawberries. Sometimes I am completely awed by how easy it is to please them. Contentment is so easy to come by when you are 7 and 10. I find that I have to make a commitment to contentment every day. It's a choice. Sometimes it's a chore, and then there are the times that the chore is the very source of contentment. That's how I'm choosing to frame this day. I'm going to seek satisfaction in a simmering pot of soup on my stove, baskets of folded laundry, well-made beds, chauffeuring children, taking a long walk in the fresh air and a myriad of other tasks I plan to undertake.

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

On My Mind Monday

2011-11-14T15:30:00.001-06:00

The dead have more power than we know.

Louise Erdrich
Master Butcher Singing Club

I asked my Mom for a sign this morning and she came through when I needed her. What I saw was so very telling.

scenes from the weekend

2011-11-13T14:36:00.009-06:00

Grateful Friday

2011-11-11T21:14:00.002-06:00

Today I give thanks for...

Acorn squash that T. Bone even deemed somewhat edible. Of course it is...it's more like dessert than dinner.

Cream of Wheat...it's my childhood in a bowl.

Lunch at Costco this week...there were so many samples that we were all satisfied after shopping.

My new infinity scarf in my new favorite color to wear...grey. I just cannot do turtlenecks anymore, but I love the warmth and coziness of something soft around my neck on a chilly day.

T. Bone found his beloved Badger jacket. He lost it a couple weeks ago and so we were sure it was gone for good. I'm also grateful I didn't order him a new one, which I was very close to doing despite the fact that I knew deep down that would not have taught him much of anything about being responsible.

The public market...this week i came home with spices and succulents.

JR's perfect 60 this week.

Hubby for turning all the clocks back this week. We have 13 in the kitchen alone so it is a time consuming chore. Ha!

Saying yes more often. This week I accepted an invitation to play Bunco from a friend. I had never played before, knew only the hostess and really didn't feel like going out at 7:00 on a Thursday night especially since it meant getting a sitter as hubby had plans too, but I did. I did and I met some nice women, and I had a good time.

Three walks in three days. My leg is getting stronger, but now it is sore. On Tuesday it stopped raining just long enough for me to go around the neighborhood.

Wednesday the rain turned to snow. Big, fat, fluffy flakes fell from the sky. Miss Bit was as excited as her mama. Then as we were admiring the scene, a huge buck came running through the yard right on cue.

A date with my hubby this week.

A date with Miss Bit to take a walk under the full moon tomorrow.

Tomorrow is hubby's birthday. Happy Happy to him!

This girl can climb.

This guy can cook.

I usually have this draft open all week and I add to it as I am inspired. That proved to be a true gift this week because for the last few days I have not felt the grateful chi. Someone I care about had the rug pulled out from under her and I learned of that mid-week. I've had a heavy heart since, but when I talked with her she even said that we have to focus on the little things in difficult times. And that is exactly what I do here...have been doing here...will continue to do here and I am ever grateful to her for reminding me of this.

Where There's A Will There's A Way

2011-11-09T09:18:00.001-06:00

Despite the dreary, rainy day, this clever cat figured out how to take a sunbath.

Today's Truths

2011-11-08T10:10:00.006-06:00

I'm sitting here on my computer when I have like 1000 other things that need doing.

I'm still in my jammies and a wool, winter hat that I wore to take Miss Bit to school.

I forced myself to make a bowl of Cream of Wheat for breakfast despite the fact that the only thing on my mind is acorn squash just the way I made it Sunday night: baked with butter, brown sugar and maple syrup. Oh well, there's always lunch.

I finally hit publish on the half finished posts in my cue.

Then I sent an email to my friend explaining that I may not be able to make the event she invited me to on Friday because I have plans on Thursday and Saturday and I'm not sure I'm in the state of mind to do 3 days in a row. Not sure when I was last in that frame to be honest. It was hard to put that out there in the raw, but good to be true and straight.

Next I may break down and order the cozy shawl I've been dreaming of since I saw it in a catalog weeks ago. In my mind, if it's still on my mind after double digit days, I must have it. Now do I go for the gray or stick with black?

I really just want to stay in all day drinking coffee and then tea and then wine reading catalogs, and then magazines and then my novel.

I feel like this rainy day is making me crave comfort.

November is a close second to my favorite month of the year...October. What I love about our eleventh month is her focus on gratitude. I try and remember that for which I am grateful each and everyday, but I find myself gushing with thanks more than usual during these 30 days.

Then I think of the seasonal/holiday projects I want to do and I feel overwhelmed that there is laundry in the dryer (always) waiting to be folded and put away, closets to be purged, photos to be edited, journals to be written, errands to be run and dinner to be made adding anything else seems percarious at best.

It's making me realize that I really want the rest of this year to be free of stress and shoulds. I want it to be about joy and happiness with family and friends. I want our souls to be filled and our spirits to be soaring...light and lifted, not laden down and overloaded.

The truth is that there is so much living to do in the moment.

On My Mind Monday

2011-11-07T21:19:00.001-06:00

As she bent over the child, she realized that the tragedy of death had to do entirely with what was left unfulfilled. She was ashamed that such a simple insight should have eluded her all these years. Make something beautiful of your life.

Abraham Verghese

Cutting For Stone

2 day pass

2011-11-07T07:52:00.001-06:00

we're really getting spoiled by these 3 and 4 day weekends.
an extra day to play makes all the difference...and play we certainly did.
friday we hiked along the banks of a gorge just north of us on a stellarly sunny day.
we made our way down through the gully to our favorite sandy, stony shore.
the kiddos did plenty of off trailing and scaling...scaling the surrounding bluffs that is.
later i spent the night in the company of a friend i hadn't seen in far too long.
we caught up over cocktails and fried pickles and then stayed up way too late dreaming and scheming.
she left me with sage advice about relationships and career, clarity with regard to potential home renovations and healing, essential oils.
despite the fact that i was tired saturday, i was energized.
good thing too because i had a houseful of kids for the day and the night.
hubby was cheering on our best college team with other alumni and friends on campus.
i headed with my brood to do the same at a neighbor's where 2 hours turned into too many.
the kids played football and ghost in the graveyard and hide n' seek.
there was fun and drama and injury...all in a day.
aunt jess joined us for the entertainment.
we came home after dark for pizza delivery and scrabble.
a thin crust veggie with sausage never tasted so good and a word game was never so challenging.
the entire houseful was ever so grateful for an extra hour as we fell back overnight.
that bonus 60 minutes allowed me to make a banana bread for breakfast before sunday school.
the rest of the day was a blur of birthday parties, play dates, errands, laundry and leaves so that when we settled in for sunday dinner at the end of it, we were famished and exhausted.
and not long after, calling it a day... calling it a weekend.

Grateful Friday

2011-11-04T10:31:00.001-05:00

Today I give thanks for...

The way Miss Bit says her favorite show that she has seen 2 1/2 times total is Modern Fam. And also the way she readily admits that she doesn't usually get much of the humor.

guitar club. This week 50 middle schoolers gathered to jam. They played Coldplay and Zepplin.

flexibility with my schedule at work.

a new Rosie'ism: it's their journey...not mine. We have a date tonight so I'm expecting to have more.

T. Bone opting to watch a movie (Evan Almighty) with the girls last night instead of playing video games.

A family hike today. Hubby was able to swing the day off to spend with us too.

A great conference with Miss Bit's teacher this morning. She had only positive things to say and excellent progress to report.

new yoga pants eventhough i don't do yoga.

I started my holiday shopping.

Sundown On The Shore

2011-11-03T19:50:00.005-05:00

Tonight after swim class, I suggested to Miss Bit that we stop home, quick dry her hair, bundle up a bit and take a walk on the beach in the light of the half moon. She immediately smiled bright and excitedly agreed. As we meandered on down the bluff hand in hand, she was absolutely beside herself that we were the only two people with such a crazy good idea. She was smitten with the thought that we skipped supper in favor of a stroll through the sand. The changing twilight kept our eyes turned skyward. We were awed by the dance performed gracefully by dark and light. There was a line of cottony clouds the color of dirty snow that converged with the clear indigo expanse. The sight was almost startling, and then my girl saw the faintest rainbow where the two met and she squeeled with delight. I saw it too and smiled.

Miss Bit ran right to the water's edge. She waded in wearing her new Bogs beyond giddy that her feet were still dry. I trailed her, closed my eyes and listened to the rhythm of the waves break on the shore. I never tire of that cadence. The November wind made me feel awakened, alive and a little redolent. I used to walk the few blocks from my home to sit at the water's edge on nights just like this often alone, but not always. In fact, nights like tonight were among my favorite: raw, piercing, penetrating.

We trudged up the path and along the way we spotted stars as they started shimmering in the sky. The last of day turned to the first of night and we were there to witness the beautiful transformation. It was really a gift to be present.

We have a date to return to the same spot at the same time for the next full moon.

On My Mind Monday

2011-10-31T17:28:00.005-05:00

Last night after I tucked a very tired Miss Bit in bed, she came downstairs to find me with big tears streaming from her eyes. As she wrapped her arms around me, she shared a big fear in a small and shaky voice. She didn't confess to me that she was scared of ghosts, haunted houses or the pitch black dark on the night before Halloween. There were no noises, shadows or spooky dreams to explain. No, what was scaring and saddening my girl was the thought of when I die someday. That's just heavy for a 7 year old. It's been weighing on my already leaden mind ever since.

Heavy because I know what it feels like to be without your Mom. Let me tell you...I don't wish it on a single soul, lest of all my daughter. Halloween is hard for me these days as much as I love it. I miss my Mom who would travel door to door with us in her feather boa, festive jack o' hat and bright smiling eyes. I think she may have liked it more than the kids. She always popped for the over-priced costumes complete with all the accessories, she cleaned up after us while we carved, and then often fed us a warm dinner.

It's just lonely without her even when I find myself in the best of company...even when I'm not alone. And the pictures of my kids together on the beach taken this weekend remind me that they are not alone. That someday when their elders have gone on, they will still be blessed to have one another, and as their mother, I pray they always know it.

2 Day Pass

2011-10-31T13:31:00.013-05:00

the weekend was a fine flurry of fun and activity.
it was tiring being off for 4 days, but also so so good.
we played and hiked and cooked and cheered in no particular order.
the kids had sleepovers here and there.
friday we strapped on our skates and had fun gliding around the rink.
t. bone was fast, miss bit fearless and aunt jess fancy.
i was having fun.
after a couple hours, we all worked up an appetite so we stopped for the city's best burgers.
just ask t. bone...it's his new favorite.
then we headed to the audubon to soak in the sun of the beautiful late autumn afternoon.
it was either that or naps.
we hid and sought our way around the grassland loop, which we were lucky to have all to ourselves.
later the boys headed to basketball practice followed by a pumpkin carving party.
the girls stayed home to keep cozy and catch up on our chat.
saturday both kids had friends over for the whole day and they played so well i didn't even know i had 2 let alone 4.
hubby made a mean tenderloin chili and i baked some pumpkin bars to share with more friends who joined us in the night for food and football.
halloween was the word of the day sunday.
after his last (early, cold, losing) football game of the season during which he was the talk of the team, t. bone made plans to trick or treat with much of his mates.
they went as football players.
original...and free.
miss bit rocked the rock star.
we made our way around the neighborhood in the rain with our neighbors and aunt jess whose presence miss bit specifically requested.
it was disappointing how many houses don't participate.
i hope i'm never that crabby and ill-spirited.
i didn't feel any remorse when i urged my girl to empty an unattended bowl of all the take 5's...just sayin' (and there were only 4 remaining) .
the kids traded candy, the girls carved more pumpkins, and we all warmed up with fajitas that simmered all day in the crock pot.
i'm tired just recapping all the hoopla here.
happy mischief night.
we're too pooped to play pranks around here (lucky for all my anti-halloween neighbors).

Grateful Friday

2011-10-28T09:17:00.011-05:00

Today I give thanks for...

Waking up snuggled in with Miss Bit this morning even though between my cat and my kid, it didn't feel like I got much sleep last night during our "sleep over." She thrashed and kicked, he kneaded and nestled. It was OK though because we all have the day off so we just slept a little longer this morning.

And then we woke to a bright, sunny day never mind that the yard was frost-covered.

A family fun day today. We have plans to meet Aunt Jess for ice skating mid-day. I'll also be ever grateful if the kids' skates still fit and if I manage to stay upright.

Although I didn't cook much worth mentioning this week, I did tweak a recipe for chicken enchilada pasta I saw somewhere and it was so good. I think hubby and I were both a bit glad the littles didn't want to give it a try because we made several meals of it. They were quite content with their boring buttered noodles.

An impromptu invitation to join friends for dinner at their beach club last week. The waves were rip roaring outside while the kids played on the shore and the fire a blazing inside while the adults caught up, chatted, and stayed warm and dry.

T. Bone's conferences. He has earned high regard thus far from all his teachers and is getting all A's and a B.

That I caved and booed my own children because Miss Bit could not have been any happier about the exciting surprise. T. Bone was glad to get a BW3 gift card, but more contained because he's 10 and cool and that gift card probably came from a girl you know.

Knowing it's all about the little things.

Holiday spirit.

A date at the coffee shop with my girl after her doctor appointment. An icy tea for her and a hot coffee for me. She's smiling that wide because she didn't need any shots and won't until the 6th grade, which is like another whole lifetime to her is all.

This crazy climber.

This Lil Gaga.

An impromptu hike down a path I once traveled upon often. The sky that day was mesmerizing and majestic.

My kids love water...our lake...just like I do.

On My Mond Monday...JOY

2011-10-24T08:20:00.001-05:00

We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.

-Buddha

Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.

- Mother Theresa

Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough.

- Emily Dickinson

Joy, has no cost.

- Marianne Williamson

I've never understood why people consider youth a time of freedom and joy. It's probably because they have forgotten their own.

- Margaret Atwood

Joy is the simplest form of gratitude.

- Karl Barth

Beauty is whatever gives joy.

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

2 day pass

2011-10-23T21:12:00.002-05:00

when winter comes to stay, it will be a bitter, cold, harsh reality in this neck of the woods,
for these fall weekends have felt more like the best of summer:
sunny skies, soft breezes and slighty sweaty temperatures.
we took full advantage of the sultry, summery tease by being outside whenever possible...as much as possible.
there was a hike around the audubon where a scarce few holdouts boasted ochre and crimson cover, but more trees stood barren and naked.
frogs and turtles have dug in deep for the season much to miss bit's dismay,
but the birds of prey still came out to play.
there was also a walk around the neighborhood that had us peeling off layers as we pounded the pavement.
friday we had an impromptu gathering with my brother and his wife that involved our favorite takeout tacos.
saturday night grandpa grilled ribs so good there were no leftovers and he had to dig into his freezer to serve us corn cut from the cob because sadly the farmers are all out until next year.
sunday i charred peppers from another garden for a mexican meatball stoup that tasted as good as it smelled.
jess dropped in just in time to enjoy my new creation and then be entertained by miss bit's rocking new dance moves...
we girls love us our captive audiences.
and we all love our two day pass.

Grateful Friday

2011-10-21T16:48:00.002-05:00

Today I give thanks for...

16 years. 16 years ago today I married the most amazing man. I am grateful for him and for my marriage.

Miss Bit and I looked through our wedding album this morning. She didn't recognize a few family members because they have changed so much. I can't believe how many loved ones we've lost in that time.

Taking time to sit around the table for breakfast with my family on a school/work morning today.

Joni Mitchell on the way to work this morning, and especially this line from Clouds: Well, something's lost but something's gained in living every day. I think I have a Mitchell song or two for every decade of my life.

A message from a friend I haven't talked for too long waiting for me at work, and plans to get together with her soon.

The commitment to remove the words can't and should from my lexicon, and to keep using the word no when I need to without guilt or fear.

Friends who call to tell you they want to come hang out with your kids so you can have a nice dinner out and they really mean it.

Miss Bit believed that the scene of mass carnage in Ohio as reported on the news was simply sleeping animals.

The leak that saturated part of the rec room last weekend was a. only water b. detected quickly and c. fixed relatively easily.

Smartwool.

Spending the day with my aunt Wednesday. We went for a walk in the rain and then out for some shopping.

Grilled chicken fajitas, cheesy patitsio and carry in noodles on this week's menu.

Haircuts: one for her and one for me. We are both loving our new lengths.

Homework Club and T. Bone for voluntarily attending it of his own free will.

Scenes from the week.

It's Friday again!

2 day pass

2011-10-16T17:45:00.002-05:00

this weekend was quintessential fall.
we carved pumpkins.
well, miss bit carved one and i got carried away carving numerous.
she dug right in and wasn't at all put off by the guts and the goo.
we snacked on the salty seeds fresh out of the oven and made a pact to pluck more from a patch for the fun of making them jack o'lanterns, and roasting their yummy seeds.
we ventured north for dinner out the first night and carried in the next.
there was baseball and football, although baseball came to an end at the end of the weekend for our home team major leaugers.
miss bit enjoyed visits with both sets of grandparents, a birthday party and a play date.
t. bone met up with friends to run some plays and make some tackles.
hubby and i enjoyed a walk along the lake while the kids attended sunday school.
it was the perfect fall weekend.
my only complaint is that it ended too soon.

October

2011-10-15T07:26:00.006-05:00

October (click here to hear)

And the trees are stripped bare

Of all that they wear

What do I care

October

And kingdoms rise

And kingdoms fall

But you go on

And on

-U2

Last night the wind started whipping and the moon was swimming in a sea of swirling clouds. It was like Van Gogh's Starry Night only better because it was real and right before me.

Grateful Friday

2011-10-14T16:20:00.008-05:00

Today I give thanks...

For the Sunday NY Times magazine.
On Monday morning, Miss Bit washed two freshly picked apples to take to school for snack. One for herself and one for her teacher.
T. Bone braved his shot. He got a little nervous when he saw the needle, which made me chuckle cuz' he plays tackle football and I'm pretty sure that hurts worse and longer.
Buffalo chicken enchiladas, scalloped potatoes with ham and roasted French tomato soup this week.
Booing. Our baskets are almost ready. (I'll be ever grateful if one of our friends returns the boo because it would literally make Miss Bit's month hence her mama's too.)
Deep conversations with T. Bone. This week's topic du jour: the Holocaust. He's been introduced to that horror in preparation for a work of historical fiction the 5th graders are reading in social studies.
I found the last letter my Mom wrote me just before she passed. It's been missing for a long time (years). I was pretty sure I tucked it away somewhere safe (Bible) and had hope I would find it eventually. Eventually came Sunday morning before church.
Fall crafts with my girl. This week we turned rocks into jack o' lanterns. Free, festive and fun.
Plans to head to my Aunt and Uncle's garden, or patch, to pick pumpkins and gourds after school today.
My leg seems to be almost healed, although it's not as good as new yet. While the infection is finally controlled, the MRI revealed that I have a tear in my hamstring.
Miss Bit's Halloween costume is coming together. She's going to be a rock star. and of course, she's going to be cute, and pink and sparkly.

Be.Here.Now.

2011-10-12T14:02:00.011-05:00

Just before the gloaming yesterday, Miss Bit and I took a walk on the beach. I didn't really want to because in my head there were many other tasks that needed doing, but I cannot put into words how glad I was that we did...just because...just the two of us. The scene was a postcard. Naturally, I wanted to capture the moment even while admitting that my amateur skills and idiot-proof point and shoot would never do justice to the beauty. Looking back, I'm now grateful that I left my camera at home. In forgetting it, I was reminded of the sharpness and the softness of simply seeing the scene not through a lens, and without a filter. I was struck by what a difference there is in existing for and in the moment instead of trying to capture it or preserve it.

Be.Here.Now.

Be.Here.Now. It was the mantra that was pulsing through every cell in my body. Feel the cold water sting your bare feet. Feel that just when you think you cannot stand to step on one more sharp rock, you are suddenly on the silky, cool sand. Feel the lake breeze that when it blows sends a shiver down your spine even as it smells of summer. Smell the stench of beached fish mixed together with algae and know while it isn't pleasant, it is familiar and that in and of itself is agreeable. Hear the gulls caw caw overhead, your daughter's stones skipping......P-L-O-P!, and the waves rolling up against the pier. See the way the translucent water meets the opaque sand meets the teeming with every color of the rainbow line of trees on the bursting with color bluff. See the so soon-to-be mother baring her beautiful baby bump for a photo shoot, the newly engaged couple getting their photographs in just the right light, the girl and boy just going steady sharing an innocent kiss on a rock, the kids beach combing, the friends walking and talking and see yourself in each and every one of them for you have been them...there. Feel the energy of all of the beginnings and endings of the day, the season, this life. Feel the energy as the tide ebbs and flows. Feel the energy as the sun wanes to the west to reveal a perfect apparition of the moon on the rise. Feel the energy as you breathe in deeply and exhale deliberatley. Feel the joy as you smile from deep within. Be.Here.Now.

As we made our way along the shore, Miss Bit proudly presented me with a red heart-shaped rock. I couldn't help but share a little story with her and as usual she was all ears (and heart). It's a story she's heard before, but last night she was really listening. I told her that Nanny would collect rocks wherever we would go. My Mom would bring them all the way home to her garden. I shared with her how on the first Mother's Day after Nanny passed we were walking on the beach and my girl found the first perfect heart-shaped red rock of our collection. Miss Bit picked it up and proudly proclaimed, "I think Nanny put this rock here so I would find it and know she loves me." (Or something like that...she was like 4 so that was 3 years ago.) Let me tell you it made perfect sense to me...still does. So we brought this flawless heart-shaped red rock home for our garden last night and many others because when you really use your imagination many rocks look exactly like hearts, but very few are red. I've lost count of just how many heart-shaped rocks we have accumulated since Miss Bit found our first years ago. Whenever I find one though, I feel compelled to add it to our collection.

After I finished answering all of her questions about this little tidbit of family history, my 7 year old quipped, "Mom, I'm so happy I inspirated you." (Sorry Spellcheck...that is no typo. I report the truth.)

If she only knew.

Be.Here.Now.

2 day pass (2 days late)

2011-10-10T16:47:00.005-05:00

this weekend felt like summer again...still.
we took advantage of the perfect days and pleasant nights.
time was enjoyed on numerous patios with various friends and family.
there was grilled food and chilled beer...brats, dogs and burgers although not all in the same meal.
there was baseball and football...we cheered on all of our teams.
t. bone's team ended their single game winning streak, but the afternoon's loss did not dampen any of the boys' moods at the team party that followed and lasted late into the mild evening.
t. bone and miss bit earned their allowances this week...they did all their regular chores and then helped rake and wash cars.
and they were both beyond excited to get invitations to go apple picking with friends at the end of the weekend...cortland for her and yellow delicious for him.
picking apples is yummier than raking leaves and more fun than washing cars.
the boys begged loudly to be let outside to play camouflage cat, and i felt a little crazy for staying inside baking...not 1, but 3 batches of cookies.
the calendar tells me it's fall even if the temperature doesn't concur.
weekends like this could last forever...should last forever.

Grateful Friday

2011-10-07T10:04:00.002-05:00

Today I give thanks for...

OMG these cupcakes...make them, bake them and share them. I added more cocoa and extra chocolate chips. You can halve the frosting or skip it even cuz' they almost don't need it.

Apple season. I'm trying to buy as much organic produce as I can and especially the dirty dozen, a group that includes apples. I'm torn, not so much by the higher price, but the lack of varieties available that haven't been sprayed by up to 60 different pesticides and then waxed to look pretty.

Indian Summer. It has maybe been the very best week of the year especially for this cooler in the morning and evening loving girl. There is no change in our immediate forecast.

A light and tasty lemon chicken dish enjoyed by the family this week. Because we eat so much poultry, I am always trying to change it up a bit.

During our coffeetalk one morning this week, Miss Bit said, "A person is born every minute." I wondered where she learned that tidbit, and then she told me she just thought it. When I suggested we Google it, her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree...so excited she was to have such knowledge literally at our fingertips. The answer was 255 people. She was wowed. Then she wanted to know how many people die each minute. 108. She looked a little forlorn for a moment, but then said, "God gives more people life every minute than death. That is an AMAZING discovery!" She is an amazing 7 year old.

Oh and her teacher thinks so too. At open house this week she gushed about how much she loves Lil Bit. I told her that she has a big fan in Miss Bit as well, and then she put her hand up to her mouth and whispered to me, "No, she's the one. The 1!" I cannot agrue with that or with a teacher who has favorites especially since it's my Bit.

T. Bone wandered in when I was watching Dancing With The Stars this week. He became completely absorbed in J.R.'s routine and the backstory. He is unbelievably compassionate and empathetic for a 10 year old. I'm really enjoying this season and this cast. Carson is wildly entertaining, Rickie is refreshingly a better dancer than her slimmer, more athletic contenders, and David Arquette is vulnerable and sweet.

Grapeseed oil and vegetables (especially brocoli) roasted in a little of it.

Evidence of Dad's do. Unfortunately these curlers are a don't. They do not work.

Personal pan pizzas.

The way this girl can rock her boots.

Chill time.

I had the patio door open much of the week. At one point, the leaves were coming down so fast that it sounded like rain. It was such a peaceful sound, but then it made me sad. Sad because I just wish that fall could last until December 24th.

Leaves covering the ground. They serve as camo for Little Red when the hawk is on the hunt and also for Peanut and Tigger when they are on the prowl for chippies.

i love it when they ask what i did all day

2011-10-06T08:07:00.000-05:00

For Your Viewing Pleasure

2011-10-05T13:40:00.004-05:00

This is a picture of Miss Bit in my hot rollers. We were gussying her up for school picture day today.

This is a picture of all her cuteness and curls.

This is a picture I found in T. Bone's closet beneath bins of his Legos.

Oh Boy. Enjoy.

Health Care Is Sick

2011-10-04T11:31:00.009-05:00

I spent the better part of the day yesterday trying to figure out what to do about my leg, which showed little sign of improvement over the weekend and actually started to hurt again despite like 30 days of strong antibiotic ingestion. I called my doctor. I asked her what she thought. She said sounding more like any clueless coed off the street than a medical professional, "To be honest...I don't really know what to think." She really didn't need to say that after talking to me on Thursday about surgeons and infectious disease specialists, and then Friday doing an about face by advising me to just finish out this antibiotic. She'd see me at my physical on the 12th...problem solved now go away. With an about face like that, I don't need my own M.D. to determine she is in way over her head. To be fair to her, she is new. New to me and new to the practice of medicine. To be fair to me, there is a time and place to admit you are out of your league and to call in the more experienced doctors in your practice. Instead, she called a surgeon she knows somewhere. The same doctor she was going to consult with after my visit last week, but who never called her back so she just decided that I should stay the course on her own. "Miraculously" (her word not mine) this doctor's surgery was cancelled yesterday, she was able to get right in touch with him this time and he said I need to get an MRI ASAP. They were on the phone for no more than 2 minutes so I'm not sure what he's basing his recommendation on. I'm confident something needs to be done, but I'm not confident in what...in them. This is costing time and money and peace of mind, but I feel like I'm being dismissed. The choices I have at this point as I see it are to keep taking this perscription and pray that it works. or to get the MRI, or to go get another opinion. For various reasons, the MRI is winning today.

The insurance website suggested shopping around for reasonable rates with these types of diagnostic tests. I decided that was wise and responsible given the fact that I do not agree with the way our health care system is being run or used. If I want to get on my soap box, I better do my part. My doctor's office wanted me to go to the diagnostic facility affiliated with them and when I told them what I was going to do, they tried to tell me I couldn't at first. Then they tried to tell me that I shouldn't, and finally that most people wouldn't. That only made me more suspicious and determined. The test there will cost me, my insurance company, and taxpayers and insurance users in general, around $5000 before a radiologist actually reads the scans. They couldn't be certain of the charge because although I obtained the 5 digit numerical code they use to bill this procedure, they still weren't willing to commit to the integrity of their quote and the certainty of the procedure.

I called 2 independent centers. One was suggested by the insurance company and the other by a friend who has used their services on more than one occasion. The first was a flat $600 for the scan and the radiologist. The second was $1800. There really is nothing more to say about that except that our current health care system is septic and something major must be done.

I'm beginning to think that we live in a world where you just may be better off having no insurance at all since everyone seems to be OK with someone else picking up the bill no matter its cost.

So today I called to ask my doctor's assistant to fax the all ready written order to the appropriate party and I was told that wasn't possible. It wasn't possible because both my doctor and her assistant are off on Tuesdays. So I asked, "Can't someone else fax it? A nurse? A clerical worker?" I was told a flat out "no." I felt my blood pressure rising as I calmly asked, "Is that because it is not possible or because it is not their job?" The answer was as I suspected...it's not their job. I don't remember exactly what I said after that, but within 5 minutes my order was faxed.

I'm pretty sure that I'm back to square one. I need to find a new primary care physician and maybe a good lawyer too. I'm hopeful that my leg will be healed soon, but my blood pressure may be elevated for good and it's all their fault.

On My Mind Monday...Time

2011-10-03T08:22:00.001-05:00

Give it time...take the time...make time...keep time...buy time...mark time...lose time...pass time...time heals...time flies...time stands still...behind the times...all in good time...on borrowed time...there is a time...out of time...time's up...pressed for time...no time like the present...the time is ripe...from time to time...a stitch in time...in due time...not enough time...too much time on your hands...race against time...time-out...sands of time...about time...the best of times...the worst of times...bide your time...just in time...in no time...high time...make good time...make up for lost time...time will tell...once upon a time...third times a charm...in the nick of time...a matter of time.

Oh Time,

You are an unforgiving, relentless tease. You are both siren and muse. Just as I pay you credence, you carry on forward causing me to lose my focus and miss the moment. Moments march into months only to become decades and suddenly I'm out of breath wondering how it is I got to this point...this place. It's exhausting playing cat and mouse with you day after day. I love you and yet, I despise you all the same. I never feel like I have enough of you. Here and then gone just like that. I want to use you wisely...savor you...make the most of you. Let me tell you that is near impossible when I find myself lamenting over the loss of you. You make me girlishly giddy one moment and paralyzed with fear - frozen in time - the very next. I mean let's face it...once you are gone, you are gone forever. I cannot get you back. Oh sure...there may be more of you, but I never know how much (not sure I'd even want to), and the mere fact that you are not limitless haunts me always. I'm forever aware of you, trying to gage you, keep you at bay, slow you down and maybe even outrun you. As you know all too well...I have yet to win our race. Come to think of it, don't know a single soul who has.

But listen here Time. I'm on to you. I don't have time for your games. You may win the race in the end, but I'm going to enjoy it all along the long and winding way.

2 day pass

2011-10-02T21:48:00.003-05:00

this weekend my 2 day pass felt more like a sentence to the solitary confinement of my moddled mind.
but after the darkness, doubt, and plenty of downtime, a new day restored hope.
and even in times of turmoil, peace and beauty can be found.
like when miss bit and i turned bare barbies into fashionistas with stencils and markers...she squealed when she took a risk with a bold color or a daring design and aha-ed excitedly, "anything is possible in fashion!"
or like when t. bone and i took a long, scenic, sunday driver's route to pick up hubby from the airport and chatted the whole way.
i have discovered that we have the best conversations when we are one on one in the car and he is my captive, solo audience.
and like when the grandparents brought my girl all the way home from her weekend stay with them and also brought with them a beautiful, thoughtful blessing bracelet for me.
or like playing a fast game of scrabble with my man...no time for laboring over lexicons and yet i still lost.
and like watching miss bit get her hair wrapped, weaved in new curlers by her dad cuz' we both know that he has more patience than i do...bless him.
or like when we sat down for the first family dinner in at least 7 days to toast grandpa vic who would celebrate 95 this week...the littles never knew him, and yet they know him - the dead are very much alive in our house.
we enjoyed his famous beef stew with mashed potatoes, and then convened for apple crisp with vanilla bean ice cream and amazing race.
he made pie, but i don't.
having hubby home was a huge, healing, happy relief.
being all together made most things right.

good-bye weekend...goodnight.

Daybook

2011-10-01T17:48:00.003-05:00

Outside my window the sun is shining and my lawn is littered with so many beautiful leaves.
I am thinking how I desperately wish I had more energy to enjoy this early autumn day...this season...this life.
I am thankful I have the house all to myself because in this state I am not good company.
In the kitchen a little while ago I made malts to celebrate T. Bone's first football victory of the season and his incredible running game.
I am wearing all black to fit the mood: yoga pants, fleece pullover, baseball hat and a braid in my unshowered hair.
I am creating the perfect pity party.
I am going to pick up some movies...probably tearjerkers...so I can escape my worries and woes even for just awhile.
I am wondering when I will feel like myself again.
I am reading little more than cookbooks right now, but I've got quite a stack in cue.
I am hoping to find hope again.
I am looking forward to bedtime tonight.
I am hearing my clocks tick in time, the wind ring through my chimes, my heart beat and that annoying little voice in my head.
Around the house there are piles and projects.
I am pondering the purpose of it all...everything.
One of my favorite things is usually just this time of the day...this time of the weekend.
A few plans for the rest of the week are to do what I can to rescue myself from this funk.
Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...I love this one. The piece of art my children are examining is exactly the way life presents itself to me right at this moment.

linking up over at http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/ today.

Grateful Friday

2011-09-30T18:17:00.003-05:00

Today I give thanks for...

Getting through this week. It was hard and sad and long. I missed my Mom something fierce especially yesterday when I felt particularly downtrodden and at the end of my rope. It was an I want my Mom kinda day. Those kinda days really suck now. Moms just know how to make everything better, or at least mine sure did. So after one more visit to the doctor for my ongoing infection, getting another round of antibiotics, putting what the doctor said about surgeons and infectious disease specialists out of my mind for the time being, and the power going back on so we could open our garage and get in our dry house, I popped some popcorn for a little t.v. tune out for me and Miss Bit only to find that the weather knocked out our satellite. Miss Bit needed me to make everything better the way moms do so I put Spooky Buddies in the dvd player and acted like it was the best movie I had ever seen. Just for the record, it was not. We chomped and chortled and best of all cuddled and that made it all worth it. Then T. Bone came home and the three of us gathered around the table for soup and homework before lounging in the family room chatting and playing games.

My girl has been extra cuddly all week long. It's like she can just feel that I need it. She slept in her Dad's spot the other night since he is away, and snuck in again sometime in the wee hours this morning. When I got up, I saw she had a kitty flanking either side. The three of them looked so peaceful and cozy, and I thought how I always want her to feel so safe and warm.

Dinner with Jess Wednesday night. I made my Mom's classic tuna casserole and her pumpkin squares. I'm lucky to have someone who understands my sorrow and allows me my tears. She knows my happiness and together we laugh too. Friends and family forget or don't want to bring it up or maybe don't know what to say, but friends like Jess just say and do and be thankfully.

Today is the last day of September. I'm eager to wake up to a new month, a fresh start tomorrow.

Hmmm????

2011-09-29T09:50:00.003-05:00

I've had a couple situations this week that caused me to really question authority and the direction our society is going in.

First off, T. Bone was released from school at 10:20 Monday due to a power outage. I found out that my son was not where I thought he was from a friend who called me at work after being unable to reach me on my cell. She was at work too, but was kind and thoughtful enough as she always is to arrange for T. Bone to get a ride home from another mother to their house. Basically, her 12 year old son was in charge of the 10 year olds. She received an e mail from the school. Apparently, I did as well at 10:41 in my junk mail AFTER the children had been released. I provided my work number on numerous forms I filled out in the registration process, but the school didn't contact me directly. Instead they sent an email blast and called it a day. CYA...I don't think so. What really irked me was this line in the email: The safety of your child is our highest priority and without power, students are unable to use the restroom facilities and we cannot serve lunch. Hmmm?? If their concern is for the safety of our children, then how could they possibly explain releasing them without certainty that they would be supervised? How could they feel comfortable that these 5th through 8th graders would actually go home and if they did that they could get in? So I called the superintendent and spoke with someone in her office because that is who generated the email. She was chawed that I was chawed. She said, "Well, we sent an email." And when I let her know that not everyone is connected to their electronic mail all day every day, she said, "Well, we let kids use their cell phones." When I let her know that not every kid, and certainly not most 10 year olds have a cell phone, she said, "Well, you'll have to talk to the principal." CYA and pass the buck two of my pet peeves.

Then the mother of one of Miss Bit's classmates called me the other night to set up a play date with the girls. She is new to the school and we have not yet met. She called me and yet I got the distinct impression that she wanted me to have her daughter over. When I paused a little long, she chimed in, "Well, I guess we can just do it at our house." She didn't give a time so I had to call her to find out the details. She gave me 3 numbers. I found that a tad obnoxious. I dropped Miss Bit off yesterday morning since they had a late start day, and I was surprised to be greeted by the nanny/housekeeper/chauffeur in a uniform to boot. As a parent, I think she should have informed me that she would not be home, but that so and so would. I wasn't so sure that so and so was even expecting Miss Bit and that was a little uncomfortable. I thought big, fancy house... important 3 phone number career and no manners.

Yesterday I went for a little pampering after my retail therapy. It's one of those salons where you can just walk in so you may or may not have to wait. It was the evening before a holiday and many ladies (I am using this term loosely) were coming in for last minute manicures and pedicures before heading to new year's celebrations. There is a language barrier between many of the technicians and customers, and in fact, the lovely girl who gave me one of the best pedicures I have ever had, barely spoke a word of English. I couldn't believe the way some of these women were talking to these girls, literally snapping their fingers at them, barking orders, just being ugly.

Hmmm? At times, I wonder if there is any hope for the human race. I'd like to know what's happened to personal responsibility, decency and courtesy.

Treading Water

2011-09-28T08:26:00.002-05:00

I'm just trying to keep my head above water this week. And smile when my kids say something funny. And answer them when they ask me questions. And make sure their homework is complete, they have clean clothes and full tummies. I'm just taking deep breaths and bracing myself. Getting them to school and sports and play dates on time, and also remembering to pick them up. I'm worn out, weary and water logged, but these two little people that I am responsible for...they are my life preservers. They are literally keeping me afloat especially today.

Yes, my littles and the sign that greeted me first thing this morning. That herald helps buoy me up too and how.

The sun is out for now.

Still Raining

2011-09-27T08:41:00.002-05:00

It's still raining and I'm good with that. Truthfully, the grey skies and dank dampness rather fit my somber mood this week. My Mom will be gone three years tomorrow and despite what they say, it really doesn't get any easier. What I can say is that it is different.

As I drove along the lakefront yesterday, I was fixated on the waves that weren't just rolling in as they usually do, but breaking shore dangerously. The typhoon that assaulted Japan is now stilled over the midwest. The wave, it struck me, is really the perfect symbol for my grief. As defined, a wave is a disturbance that travels through space and time accompanied by the transfer of energy. My sorrow is always present even if under the surface, building momentum, ebbing and flowing until it crests again. The sadness I feel from my loss shrinks and swells, but it never seizes. It's true that after three years, I experience fewer tsunamis. There are more ripples than rogue whitecaps day to day, but even slight undulations disrupt, disturb and cause erosion over time. Treading in still water is still tough and tiring.

I have come to accept that the end of September...this week...will always be a time when my grief surges. With two milestones: her last birthday and her heaven day, exactly seven days apart it is near impossible to come up for air. Somehow knowing this and accepting it doesn't leave me any better prepared to weather it.

two day pass

2011-09-25T22:20:00.000-05:00

dinner with the girls was a welcome start to this weekend.
being out and about on a busy friday night made me realize what a homebody i've become, and i vowed right then and there to plan more dates with friends in the future.
when i got home, hubby left to meet some friends in town for a reunion.
the littles were asleep so i called it a night too.
saturday morning was it's usual montage of activity: homework, housework and hanging out.
t. bone edited and published his poem and it's not even due until tuesday.
miss bit finished one junie b. book and started another.
t. bone vacuumed the upper level.
miss bit gathered the laundry from our baskets and brought it down to the laundry room.
it's amazing how motivating it is to earn an allowance.
we've gone back and forth on this, but in the end it is what works for us...for them.
miss bit's friend came to play for all of the afternoon.
the boys went to football and came home with the news of another loss...again so close.
i had plenty of time and ambition in the kitchen.
i roasted a chicken for one soup and then some tomatoes for another.
i made meatballs for grinders at my son's request and mixed up a batch of oatmeal cookies to satisfy my own craving.
my brother and sil stopped by and stayed for dinner.
the meatballs were gone, but there will be more and soon.
sunday we made our fall pilgrimmage back to church.
the pews were so packed we had to sit in the back.
it felt good to be there even if in our absence we've forfeited our regular pew front and center.
shortly after our bagel sandwich brunch, uncle b. bone came to get t. bone for a round of golf.
miss bit went shopping with her allowance and her aunt.
the guys never made it on the course cuz' it started to pour so they played dice and watched sports in the men's room and i'm pretty sure my boy was just as happy.
the girls had much better luck.
miss bit came home with new suede boots, a funky scarf, cool cargo pants and cozy pajamas all from her favorite store.
she spent her allowance on safari and peanuts who are new friends for alice, but at school today with her.
we all enjoyed our favorite wings and bowls of soup with bread while we watched football.
we are retiring for the night happy, full, warm, and ready to be lulled to sleep by the sound of rain on the roof.